Dear Truth,
I need your help. My girlfriend Jenna and I met at a party three years ago and we have been dating seriously for about two years. I am really attracted to her and she says that she isn’t interested in any other girls. That’s the problem; she sometimes dates guys. Jenna claims she isn’t really bi and that she’s just doing it “for fun,” but it seems strange to me. I think I could commit to Jenna (I haven’t wanted anyone else since we met), but it creeps me out that she has sex with men. Am I wrong to judge her for liking boys? How do I move our relationship forward?
—Full Time Lesbian
Dearest Meredith Baxter Burning,
“Wrong” is a pretty judgmental, but okay, yes, you’re wrong to judge her for liking boys; particularly if you knew that information before you got involved with her. Frankly, my issue would be one of fidelity and monogamy, not gender. Whether or not the other party is an X or a Y is almost less important than the fact that you seem incrementally more invested in your relationship than Jenna.
For the record, I was always just a wee bit skeptical of people who called themselves bisexual. Frankly, I just thought they were being greedy. But in my colorful and winding path through the rose garden of our community, I’ve “encountered” people who I grew to realize were genuinely bisexual. Each of them would say the same thing: “I am attracted to both genders, but if I’m in a relationship I know how to commit. Being bisexual and being a slut aren’t synonymous.” It was a little hard for me to swallow (in one case quite hard), but words and actions seemed to back up what they were saying.
So in sum, it’s not creepy that she is attracted to men. The fact that she’s sleeping with them (which is “fun” for her—a nice way of avoiding saying she is still attracted to men) is a function of where your relationship is, not her bisexuality. As for moving your relationship forward, you have only but to ask. I know it’s not an easy conversation, but it is a simple one: “Do you want to date exclusively?” By definition, her answer should cover all suitors, and until she proves otherwise, she should get the benefit of the doubt.
Dear Truth,
I am a 34-year-old pre-op transgender male-to-female living in South Florida. I am attracted to brawny, masculine men, but they don’t seem to be very attracted to me. A lot of times they are downright mean to me before I even get two words out of my mouth. I am well-educated, have a good job and I’m known for my charm and wit. In short, I’m a catch. While I don’t expect every muscle bear out there to fall in love with me, I would like to make some friends and maybe have a little more romance. How do I get these guys to look past the exterior so they can see what they’ve been missing?
—Wanting More
Dear Demi More,
How do you get a guy to look past the exterior? Well, if I knew that, I’d be sitting on a sunny island enjoying the royalties of the world’s most successful relationship book ever published. But alas, here I am. Men are going to look at the exterior, and it is not as though we’re talking about you being a single standard deviation away from what they seek. I am sure you’re a catch, but if its gay men you’re approaching, you’re going to be an awkward catch for most of them.
Let’s be honest. You’ve changed your gender away from the thing they desire most: men. I would say that out, “mainstream” gay men are no longer your core audience. That said, there are many avenues for a male-to-female transgender to meet potential suitors—And you’ll finder there are a lot out there. In urban areas, these avenues tend to be wider, better lit and maintained, but the Internet provides opportunities as well.
Check out sites that are specifically dedicated to men dating transgender. I think you’ll be surprised at how many men in the world are looking for exactly you, and some of them might even be hairy and brawny. Here comes the Truth, baby: you are a catch, probably more than you realize. But you have to know your audience, and where to find it.
