My girlfriend and I are having an argument. When we met in 2008, we both lived in Orlando, but she now lives in South Carolina. She recently came to Orlando for the gay softball tournament weekend. I play on a local team and we both have a ton of friends from all over who were playing in the tournament. Before she got here, I told her that I wanted to hang out at the fields and see people; she agreed. Once she got here, however, she threw a hissy fit and refused to stay and party with me and our friends at the fields.
Instead, she went back to my place and bitched about me to my gay roommate. We ended up fighting the rest of the weekend (and since), and she’s still accusing me of disrespecting her and not “putting her first.” I say that she knew the deal beforehand and she’s acting like a selfish child. What do you think?
—Too Much Drama
Dear Mary J Blige,
Why do I get the sense that I’m not hearing the whole story? Her about-face does seem suspicious. Maybe she didn’t fully understand what you meant when you said you’d want to hang out at the field and see people. You must admit you left some space open there. I’m not sure, depending on the way you said it her, if she should have magically known it would be a full-time partying weekend with the friends. When she realized her alone time with you would not merely be shared with others, but rather, be completely absent, she had a bad reaction.
Your issue is one of communication. The Truth is a lovely shade of blue in the face (not royal blue, or dark blue, but cerulean) from saying this: If you’re not sure what to do in the context of a relationship, your first thought should be “adult conversation.” Sit down with her, and ask her directly what the problem is. When she tells you that she was hoping for more time with you, apologize for not setting the right expectation and tell her that you two will be clearer about things next time. Here comes the Truth, baby: The whole thing is a little silly, and surely, it’s not the end of the world. Talk to each other!
Dear Truth,
I am a 40-something gay man with a great family and a close circle of friends. Typically, I am an outgoing, fun-loving guy and I’m really good at finding the positive in every situation. But since the passage of Proposition 8 in California and Amendment 2 in Florida, I have started feeling depressed and cynical. I internalize every defeat of an LGBT rights issue (like the repeal of gay marriage in Maine) to the point that I can’t think about anything else.
Normal gay conversations don’t interest me anymore; I find them frustrating and inconsequential. All I want to do is shake people and scream, “How can you care about this crap when they’re taking away our civil rights!” I know that I dwell on this too much and that it’s affecting my relationships, but I don’t know how to fix it. Any suggestions?
—No Sun in Sarasota
Sarasota Sunny,
Oh Sunny, they aren’t taking away our civil rights. We never had any in the first place!
Look, I understand that these things are depressing. It’s easy for us to see the moral imperative in providing gays and lesbians with equal rights. But you do understand that not everyone agrees, right? We’d like to think that the mere fact that we’re right to be enough, but it’s not. Here comes the Truth, baby: As frustrated as you might be, despite recent political setbacks, gays and lesbians in the U.S. have more to be encouraged about than ever before about our place in society.
We are in a better place today than yesterday, and that was true yesterday, too. Of the greatest importance is a growing social environment where being anti-gay is seen as ignorant. That hasn’t always been the case. The fact that you’re internalizing what is essentially a political issue, albeit one close to your heart, lets me know there is something else going on with you personally. Political realities like this shouldn’t really interfere with your daily mood, and if they do, it is time to seek a therapeutic solution. Feelings of cynicism and depression—no matter the reason—need to be addressed as soon as possible. Chin up, young person. It will all be okay.
