Dear Truth,
I have an old flame: tall, athletic, very smart, sexy as all get out. We’ve remained good friends since he started seeing his new boyfriend and I, in all sincerity, am happy for him. My issue is that I keep fantasizing about the old flame. Explicit sexual fantasies. I’ve had these fantasies since the day I met this man but I feel guilty when I have them now. How do I make them stop? Hyponosis? A ruler to the knuckles?
—Boned in Bithlo
Dear BIB—
To begin, fantasies are judgment-free zones. You shouldn’t feel guilt for having fantasies about an old flame, or really anyone or anything. Fantasies are not reality, and wanting to enjoy something you’ve enjoyed in the past barely qualifies as a licentious fantasy. Trust me when the Truth tells you that there are ten people you see every morning on your way to work that are fantasizing about you and probably in ways that would shock you. Takes all kinds.
That these fantasies are coming to the fore since he started dating someone probably indicates some sense of a missed opportunity now that he has a boyfriend. Did you have more than purely sexual feelings for him? And if not, maybe this is a function of wanting what you at least perceive you can no longer have. It’s a normal human emotion. It says here you enjoy the fantasies without guilt, secure in the knowledge that if the flame in question knew, he’d be enormously flattered, not offended. Don’t forget, life has a way of bringing us what we want. Here comes the Truth, baby: As long as these fantasies aren’t inhibiting your own dating or sex life, I’d say stop feeling guilty and enjoy.
Dear Truth,
My husband, Aaron, and I have been together for over 20 years. We have a great relationship except for one thing: Aaron wants me to quit my job because my coworkers don’t accept us. I am a well-paid professional in the Tampa Bay Area, and my income supports both Aaron and me. My company has a non-discrimination policy that includes sexual orientation, and Aaron accompanies me to all of our office functions. But the reality is that I am often excluded from unofficial networking and social events where much of the “business” actually transpires (e.g. golf, sporting events, strip clubs), and Aaron rarely feels welcomed by my peers or their families at official events.
At our last family-friendly function, Aaron overheard one of the directors’ wives tell their children to stay away from us, and I noticed how the women always seemed to swoop in every time we spoke to their kids. I don’t experience any harassment at my job and I’ve learned to work around any professional or social snubs, but it’s difficult to go in every day knowing that my coworkers and their families think Aaron and I are “less than” they are. Aaron and I argue about it all the time, but in this economy, I’m afraid to leave. What should I do?
—West Coast Realist
Dear WCR—
While your lover is sweet to be concerned about your work life, ultimately this is your decision to make and he should respect that. That he’s willing to take such a financial hit as a couple proves that he really means it when he says he doesn’t want you to work there. But ultimately, in today’s job market, having a job is vastly preferable to standing on principal. The snubs and the comments might be difficult to swallow, and if a hostile workplace has been created, the company has a stated policy to prevent that. A legal action might be required. But if your work isn’t affected and these issues only arise at after-hour events, I would merely explain to your direct manager why you won’t be attending them any longer, go on record with HR about what has transpired at specifically company-sponsored functions, and then get back to work.
