Marriage, committment or whatever you want to call it is a pretty amazing thing when you think about it. For two people, especially two men, to live together for so long under the same roof is a big accomplishment. Fifty-year anniversaries are all-but extinct. Sometimes I see old people in restaurants sitting together eating their meals. Part of me feels sad. They don't even talk. Is that because they have nothing else to say after all these years or can they simply read each other's minds by now? I wonder if, forty-three years ago, their Seven Year Itch went untreated and they stayed together despite their itchiness.
I never had a stable example of what a relationship should be like. My parents divorced when I was an infant and went on to date, remarry and divorce several different people. The only consistent marriage I was exposed to was my grandparent's. Though they had been married for more than fifty years, they fought constantly. When I would ask my grandmother why she stayed in such a seemingly miserable marriage, she would tell me because her vows were sacred and marriage is â┚¬Å”for better or for worse.â┚¬ÂÂ
Those words always resonated with me and because I never had a â┚¬Å”healthyâ┚¬Â example of what a relationship should be, I was determined to make mine work at all costs.
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After the night of the bachelor auction, I continued to talk to Warren. Over the next few days, we talked for, what seemed like, hours at a time. I still attempted to keep it light but deep down I knew I was feeling more than simply â┚¬Å”socialâ┚¬Â or â┚¬Å”friendly,â┚¬Â In a twist of irony, I found out that the studio he taught ballroom dancing at was just around the corner from John and my house.
When Warren invited me to come see him there, I was hesitant but intrigued. Hesitant because I was attracted to him and vice versa. Intrigued because I liked the fact that he had a unique talent and wanted to see him in action.
I decided to meet him after work one night. As I was leaving the house, John asked where I was going.
â┚¬Å”Oh,â┚¬Â I stuttered. â┚¬Å”My editor wants to meet up to talk about work stuff.â┚¬ÂÂ
I'm in trouble. I can't believe I just lied to Johnâ┚¬Â¦And badly. As I drove to Warren's dance studio, I wondered why I felt the need to be deceptive and knew I needed to talk to John about it.
After watching Warren and one of his students practice, he asked me to meet him for a glass of wine at a nearby lounge. As we talked about our relationships; past and present, I felt as if I had an emotional time bomb in my lap. Even though we hadn't done anything, I was finding myself very tempted.
Even if it was just lust, I needed to figure out why it wasn't being directed to the guy who already possessed my love and devotion.
Erik Fact: The longer and more comfortable you are with your partner, the easier it is to take them for granted. You can sometimes lose sight of why you love and appreciate them.
When John and I first started dating and agreed to be monogamous, we had promised each other that if there came a time when either of us was questioning our loyalties, we would come to them before anything happened. So, the next evening, I sat down with John. I needed to know what he was feeling about our lack of intimacy, why we hadn't made love in awhile and basically to see if we still wanted the same things.
Immediately, he responded with, â┚¬Å”It's obvious that we don't want the same things so why bother?â┚¬ÂÂ
â┚¬Å”I guess it's my fault,â┚¬Â I stated humbly. â┚¬Å”I must've misinterpreted you saying all the time that you didn't want a relationship like the one you had previously but from my perspective, it seems that's indeed what you want; a boyfriend who's subservient; doesn't question you or care what you do or where you go and with whom; wants to live a life of luxury without having the money; not want to talk about issues and just ignore them; make drastic decisions, like having a baby without thinking about your partner or the big picture.â┚¬ÂÂ
â┚¬Å”My perspective could be totally wrong,â┚¬Â I continued. â┚¬Å”If I'm wrong, I'd like to know yours. I feel we need to decide if the paths we're on are the same.â┚¬ÂÂ
He just stared straight ahead stone-faced, not saying anything, never even looking at me. I decided to tell him about Warren.
â┚¬Å”I'm scared and I feel guilty because I'm having feelings for someone else,â┚¬Â I said earnestly. â┚¬Å”I shouldn't be feeling like this about someone else.â┚¬ÂÂ
â┚¬Å”Oh, please. I flirt all the time,â┚¬Â John replied nonchalantly.
I explained it wasn't just a flirtation I was feeling and reminded him that his flirting bothers me.
â┚¬Å”Whatever. You have an infatuation and you'll continue to talk to him and if that's what you need, there's nothing I can do about it.â┚¬ÂÂ
But there is! You can feel as uncomfortable with the fact that I'm opening up my emotions to someone else as I do. I wanted him to feel something; jealous, protective, angry, fear; anything to show me he cared or was worried about losing me. Instead, the conversation seemed to end there when he went back to watching tv…
