Dear Truth,
I’m going on a “bear cruise” with a guy I’ve dated off and on for the past couple years. (I live in Tampa, he lives in Jacksonville.) “Bob” is a big, bearish, handsome guy. He’s active on bear web sites, and has lots of friends and admirers. We’ve been to a couple similar events together (Bear Bust in Orlando, Bear Week in Ptown), and he’s invariably a center of attention.
I’m not a jealous guy, and I actually love to see him light up at all the attention. He deserves to enjoy that. But after a couple days it gets old for me, and I’m not sure how to make sure we both have a good time on the cruise. Bears like to travel in packs. It’s not unusual for dinner plans to include 20 people. Bob is a pleaser, and has a hard time setting boundaries and saying ‘no’ to invitations.
Its complicated by the fact that while the cruise is a date, we’re not a ‘couple’ and date other men. Any advice on how to bring this up with him before we board?
—Yogi
Dear Friend of Boo,
I had a whole different response worked out until I got to the clarifier at the end. I’m personally a little unclear how two adult men go on a vacation together (and presumably sleep together) without being a couple in some way. Far be it from me to judge, but a little clarity before such plans are made would be the mature approach.
You clearly want him to focus a good part of his attention on you, and I smell hurt feelings coming your way. Obviously, a “bear cruise” conjures images that are inconsistent with a romantic getaway. You don’t say in your letter if the attention he receives translates into actual hook-ups, but if I’m familiar with the dynamic at bear events, the potential is there.
The underlying subtext of your letter is that you want a more singular sort of relationship (at least on this cruise), but you suspect that Bob doesn’t. Unfortunately, since you aren’t a couple, you really don’t have much in the way of a remedy at your disposal.
Here comes the Truth, baby: in the absence of clarity regarding your relationship, you’re going to have to—pardon the pun—grin and bear it. Perhaps once this event has passed, you should have a more serious conversation about the nature of your relationship with Bob, but I have a sinking feeling you’re not going to like what you hear. Best case scenario? You meet someone cute on the cruise who is interested in bonding.
Dear Truth,
My good friend and roommate recently lost her job with a big company where she’s worked for close to six years. Her health care benefits are about to run out. She’s now self-employed, and will not likely have access to group or affordable coverage until relevant parts of the new health care legislation begin in 2013.
She’s asked me for a huge and awkward favor. She’s had several melanomas and is terrified of losing coverage. My company offers partner benefits, and she’s asked me to designate her as my partner. I’ve looked into it. We’d have to register somewhere as domestic partners and provide evidence that our finances are co-mingled. Both are awkward but doable, especially since we have the same address.
I’m sympathetic to her plight, and I believe our health care system is absurd and unfair. I’m with her in spirit, and would hate to see her forced into bankruptcy by another cancer. I’m truly torn. Part of me says just do it because the result would be good and right and generous. But it’s also a huge lie and feels very wrong on some level. I’d be very interested in your opinion.
—Life Too Hard
Dear So-Called Life –
A more youthful Truth would have said “Eff that! Put her on your insurance. Gays and lesbians have been getting the short stick when it comes to corporate America for generations!”
However, imbued with the wisdom only years can bring, I’m with you when you fear for your karma in such a situation. It is a big lie, if a well-intentioned one. If you feel you can make this happen with minimal exposure to risk, I say it’s pretty harmless and I do believe that gays and lesbians working the system to their advantage for once is just a little quid pro quo for decades of abuse.
But if you have genuine anxiety about pulling off this canard, I say you explain your position to your dear friend and ask for her understanding.
