“Michael’s chasing Kimmy? You’re chasing Michael? Who’s chasing you… nobody, get it? There’s your answer.“ – George, My Best Friend’s Wedding
It’s amazing the clarity that comes when you step out of a situation for awhile…that and therapy once a week.
After having had my affections for Warren go unreciprocated and the heartache that followed, I realized I needed to really discern my feelings and the situation. It isn’t that I regret telling him; I’m happy that I had allowed myself to open my heart to someone. But I couldn’t help but wonder, Was I pursuing a relationship that wasn’t there?
I know logically what I deserve and should expect from a relationship but when faced with being offered less than that(in some cases a lot less), it’s hard to know when to cut your losses and move on.
It’s not easy to find someone you like, let alone someone you like and get excited about. I want to think the men I meet are honest, kind and have my best interests at heart. But when I really looked back on the past few months, I wondered if I was repeating a pattern myself…
The first indication that Warren was just not that into me was when he couldn’t be bothered to call me. To say he didn’t have a moment in his “insanely demanding schedule” to pick up a phone is a load of crap. The word “busy” is bullshit. It may seem like a valid excuse but in reality all I was falling for was a man who didn’t care enough to call and can’t make me a priority.
I should be the bright spot in his horribly busy or mundane day. I remember feeling a little disappointed when Warren stopped calling when he said he would. Granted, he always called but it was never “in a few minutes” or “over the weekend” like he said. One might say I’m overanalyzing but to me, calling when you say you’re going to is just the first stepping stone on the path you are creating toward love and trust; whether it’s as a partner or just a friend. If he can’t lay down one stupid stone, the path won’t lead anywhere.
There came a time when I no longer wanted to be “sort of dating” Warren or “just hanging out.” I found myself spending a lot of energy suppressing my emotions as to appear uninvolved and aloof.
We all want to feel emotionally protected when a relationship starts getting serious. One way to do that is by laying claim to it. I like my men like I like my clothes; what no one else has. Warren was aware of this but would try to pacify my need by saying things like, “there’s no need for labels” or that he wasn’t ready for a “serious relationship.”
It seemed what he was really telling me was that “I don’t want to be in a serious relationship with you” or “I’m not sure you’re the one.” This became especially evident when I learned he was in fact dating his ex-boyfriend and hoping to reestablish the relationship. However, in a twist of kismet, the ex-boyfriend would not commit to him.
I realized I had forgotten what dating was all about. It’s about being with a man who wants me, calls me, makes me feel sexy and desired fully. He wants to see me more and more because every time he sees me, he likes and then hopefully loves me more and more.
Screw New Year’s Resolutions. I decided to make a list of Relationship Resolutions:
-I shouldn’t be in a constant state of uneasiness because he’s completely unreliable.
-I will make a conscious effort to notice when a guy’s behavior starts making me feel bad about myself; when I start feeling like he’s making me suffer. Meeting someone you like and dating him is supposed to make you feel better, not worse.
-I will not date a man who isn’t sure he wants to date me.
-There’s a guy out there who will want to tell everyone that he’s my boyfriend.
-I want to be sleeping with a man that I know I’ll see again because he’s already demonstrated to me that he’s trustworthy, honorable and into me.
Erik Fact: Every two weeks, once a month, “seeing” someone – getting minute doses of love and affection may get you through the day, the week or the month but it won’t get you through a lifetime.
Photo Credit: Eric Babcock
