In his new column, Dr. Steve Yacovelli, (a.k.a. “The Gay Leadership Dude”) shares his expertise on submitted workplace questions from members of the LGBTQ+ Community. Have a question? See below!
Hey GLD: I have a simple question: should I come out at work? I’ve been at my job for over a year. I’m doing pretty well, but just don’t feel like I’m being my true self at work. I avoid personal discussions with most co-workers, watch my pronouns when people do ask what I did last weekend and keep work people very separate on social media. It’s not horrible, but feels like a light dull headache every day. Should I or shouldn’t I? — Closet Cubicle
Hello Closet! This is a big question and so glad you asked. A 2018 Human Rights Campaign survey found that 46% of LGBTQ+ employees say they’re closeted at work, down just 4% over the past 10 years. So, you’re in a lot of company here.
Your question is big: so, should you? I hate to say, “it depends,” but it does. Here’s some things to help you process through:
– Reflect on the “why?” Ask yourself: “Why do you want to come out at work?” Be clear on your intention and what you want to happen.
– Be mindful of your organizational culture. Is your workplace one that embraces differences and celebrates inclusion? Getting a temperature check on your work culture can help you see potential support or roadblocks when you do decide to share your authentic self.
– Look at what your organization has done to both others within the workplace who’ve already come out as well as their external stance on LGBTQ+ equality. Actions speak louder than break-room posters.
This is such a personal thing, so I won’t tell you what to do. However, personally I think life is too short to work in a closet and to be in an organization that doesn’t value your authenticity.
“Gay Leadership Dude” I have an issue: my boss is a jerk. I mean, she’s good at getting things done but at a high cost! She doesn’t respect anyone’s differences or uniqueness, she only wants things done her way or it’s the highway. I love my company but hate my boss. And, I can’t tell if she’s homophobic or just an ass (I’m the only out person in the department). How do you deal with a jerk boss who won’t listen? — Frustrated Homo
Hey Frustrated: I hear ya! While I’ve been fortunate to have many awesome leaders in my career, I’ve had a few who were just like yours. I was on a special project for a company once and our Project Manager took the whole team on a “team building afternoon” boating trip and she purposely didn’t tell me.
So, what could you do if your boss is like the jerk of a PM I had? Here are five ideas to help you:
1. Reflect: Is her behavior really about your sexual orientation? It’s sometimes easy for us to think someone doesn’t like us because of simply who we are as our authentic selves. But take a pause and think if it’s really about you being queer. Have you heard her say gnarly comments about our community overall? Does she have rapport with any other openly gay folks in your org? Take a breath and objectively look at her past behavior.
2. Reflect: Is it actually you? Sometimes we don’t see our own faults or challenges in relationships, business or otherwise. Think back to the last conversation. What was your demeanor? Were you “short” with her? This could be a chicken-egg scenario. As hard is it may be, adjust your attitude when you interact next and see if that helps.
3. Ask: What’s REALLY going on? If it’s not your attitude (#2) nor your queerness (#1), then what is it? At this point it may be time to muster up your Leadership Courage and just ask her, in a neutral tone and in a private space. This Feedback Formula of “When you __, I feel __ because…” helps frame an observed action and share how it impacted you. It’s your perception and it opens things up for a dialogue to share perceptions as well as its impact.
4. Help: You need somebody! If you’ve tried the above and nothing changed, it’s time to get your friendly HR professional involved. Meet and share your perspective and ask for their advice.
5. Pull an Elsa: It may be time to dust off your resume or CV and “let it go!” I’m not saying just pick up your toys and leave, but if you have put in your best effort to no avail, you can look for new opportunities—either within your workplace or outside. It’s time to get out from under her shadow and let your authentic awesomeness shine for others to see.
HAVE A QUESTION FOR “THE GAY LEADERSHIP DUDE”? Submit at YourQueerCareer.com. Please note the advice shared is for informational use only; it is not intended to replace or substitute any mental, financial, medical, legal or other professional advice. Full disclosure can be found at the website listed above.
Dr. Steve Yacovelli (“The Gay Leadership Dude”) is owner and principal of TopDog Learning Group, LLC. His latest book, “Pride Leadership: Strategies for the LGBTQ+ Leader to be the King or Queen of their Jungle” came out June 2019. Find more information at TopDogLearning.biz.
