Mama Bearings: Enough

The world is struggling these days. There is so much pain and fear that is being felt on a global scale.

I personally have been avoiding the news in a lot of ways for fear that I would continue my pattern of “doomsday surfing” – an equally funny and upsetting term I discovered online – every morning with my first cup of coffee.

I am a person who loves to read, but I have been avoiding current events because nowadays it seems it is frightening to live in this world for all of us. I am aware of the fear so many of us feel daily because of the color of their skin, who they love, and how, even in 2020, if you are different you could be in danger simply because of your uniqueness.

June 12 was the four-year mark of the Pulse shooting. My self-limited visits to the news and social media found so many had posted memorials and photos to honor the victims and this gesture of not forgetting made me feel good. While so many of us were honoring the victims of that hate crime, however, the rights of transgender individuals were being stripped away.

Back in 2010, the Affordable Care Act established many civil right protections in health care, taking a firm stance on not allowing discrimination based on race, national origin, sex, age or disability in “any health program or activity.” While the Obama administration interpreted the provision about sex to include gender identity, the current administration does not. They have worked to erase protections for some time and did so June 12.

I have been writing professionally for roughly three years now, and I try to enlighten, uplift and educate when I do. I personally am dealing with the world’s current state as a middle-aged white woman living in suburbia and driving a mini -van while raising four kids. But before you put me in the “Karen” lane, I need you all to know something; I am mad as hell that these protections have been removed.

There has been so much said recently about how staying silent is as bad as going along with the current situations in the United States. I have seen firsthand how standing out and speaking up can impact a person’s safety, financial situation and family support directly.

I have been supported and embraced by the LGBTQ community for years within my career as a hairdresser and as the proud parent of a transgender son. I have cried with you. I have laughed with you. I have shared my family with you and you have become a part of mine.

I am painfully aware of how my baby is in danger simply from being himself. Just typing that sentence took so much because it is not something I enjoy pondering, yet it is always there. And now my country’s government decided that protecting my child is something he is not worthy of because he is transgender.

A few years ago, this was mentioned in the press as an agenda of the current leadership, and my son – only eight years old at the time – came to me and asked me about what it meant for him. This was just as hard as telling his little dimpled face with big brown eyes when his grandmother died or when his father and I were getting divorced. I had to tell my child about people not liking him because he was being true to himself.

I had to discuss safety and disclosure. And I had to make him feel safe and supported while I, as his parent, simultaneously felt terror and anger.

I hate feeling this way. I think many of us in the world are connected by these bad feelings and it is so hard to be positive right now. I am very up front with all my kids, but I cannot believe the conversations I have had to have as a family recently regarding racism, violence, discrimination and illness. I know my son is going to need a conversation about the health care change and I am struggling with what to tell him when he asks.

The medical care and services he will soon need as part of his transitioning already aren’t covered by insurance in most cases, but now he can be rejected and treated poorly with no legal repercussions. It is a sad reality that many human beings have more sympathy than empathy, but it is natural; it is easier to have feelings of connection when we share similar circumstances. There is a huge difference when someone you love is in pain compared to a stranger, but we need each other more than ever. It feels like there are so many forces in power right now that are looking to divide us.

Recent protests give me hope that the next generation will strive for more inclusivity and champion diversity because at a certain point, we have to look at our differences and realize that is what really makes our country great. I am raising children who are not racist and who are taught to love others, and I am counting on their generation at this point pretty heavily.

But I cannot be politically correct when you come at my children and threaten their lives and their future. I cannot stay silent when so many things are wrong. I will not stay quiet because that has helped no one else find their own voice.

You may not understand that my son is a transgender boy, but I guarantee that you have someone in your life who has been treated badly for being “different.” You may not have gay friends, but you definitely have friends whose relationships you support.

If you love someone, you want them to be treated well and be safe from harm. So even those who do not live in the same circles I am lucky enough to should be able to understand why taking away legal protections for a person’s health can literally be a death sentence. All marginalized people are at higher risk for illness, violence, death, mental illness, substance misuse disorders and discrimination.

Take a look at who is in your circle. Think about who you love and who you want to see living a happy and healthy life. Ask your Black and Hispanic friends about their experiences with racism even if it makes you feel uncomfortable. Educate yourself regarding things you do not understand or have experiences with even if you know you might feel guilty.

Look within yourself to find what your passion is and find a way to channel all this ugliness in the current world into something productive. The smallest gesture of support is what so many of us need now. Kindness, care and love in a social distancing culture feel so impactful since hugs are out this year.

The government in my country does not support the safety and health of my baby boy. I pay taxes, I follow the law and I am a voter. My child deserves the same rights as anyone else in our country.

My optimistic heart hopes people in all this pain and anguish can come together and realize any form of discrimination will eventually impact someone they love. And even if it doesn’t, I cannot be silent when I have a voice and privilege. My child’s existence has led to so much learning and compassion that his place in this world is pretty concrete in my eyes. Protections may have been erased yesterday but the transgender community will not be erased.

Ask uncomfortable questions. Talk to people who are different from yourself. Learn about others and you will truly find yourself along the way. Make sure that you ponder where your beliefs come from. Look within for the answers to why you feel so strongly about certain issues. My child is not going anywhere, and neither am I. If you are racist, homophobic, transphobic, a bigot, a supporter of colonialism, sexist or any other version of someone who not loving the human race you are hurting us all; including yourself.

My child is proof of everything that is good in this world and he will not be erased.