Raise your hand if you’re fairly sure we are living in a simulation. Alright, fine. That’s a bit of a loaded-prompt. We all agree the past year has been fucking weird in some measure, right?
Now, of course 2021 has shown signs of an upswing; a glimmer of hope, at the very least. People are getting vaccinated, folks are getting back to work, grandparents are being hugged for the first time in over 300 days; all very promising sentiments considering the doom and gloom that sharted everywhere in 2020.
As the good news pendulum swings one way, let us not forget the other, intensely-frustrating pendulums that seem to be swinging in completely opposite directions. Shall I tell thee the ways?
Pope Franny Franny Oxen Free recently signed off on the decree that upholds the longstanding “tradition” of prohibiting gay marriages in the Catholic Church, or as the Vatican so gently put it, “We can’t bless sin. Sorry lol.” That is not a direct quote, but it is the way I interpreted the words (does that sound familiar, thumpers?)
I’m not surprised as much as I am confused because I’m fairly sure it wasn’t that long ago that the current pope was welcoming all the homos with open arms. Perhaps it’s just that I am now realizing that those open arms may be similar to those of a T-Rex. You see, T-Rex arms are great for holding decree-signing pens and even better for simulating a hospitable embrace that can easily (and apparently rather quickly) morph into the “IDK Emoji.”
It’s also worth noting, and may even incite a chuckle or two, that the Catholic Church invested nearly $1.2 million in “Rocketman,” the gayest biopic of the century, probably. Furthermore — wait for it — THEY PROFITED FROM THEIR INVESTMENT! You must be asking yourself where, oh where did they get the millions of dollars used for his righteous investment? Donations from their faithful, definitely not gay at all (sike) members, of course. It’s like Divine Gaslighting, fam!
I was born and raised Catholic, so you can probably tell I’m a bit miffed. For one, I had a fairly pleasant experience with the church in my youth; I went to mass every Sunday with my mom, I was a youth group leader in high school, there was even one time I went to a Christian music festival and raised my hands up so I looked like all the cool teens next to me. Granted, at that time I was very unaware that in a few years I would have a lifetime membership to the Sisterhood of the Scissor Society. So, maybe that is why I don’t have early memories of someone telling me God and my church aren’t cool with the whole same-sex marriage thing. Or perhaps I’ve repressed those memories so they can marinate and resurface at the most inopportune time in a few years (that’s how panic attacks work, right?)
All the above is not to say that once I was launched out of the closet (thanks, crazy ex and Facebook!) that these doctrinal teachings on gay marriage didn’t conveniently find their way into my ear holes, because they did. “Love the sinner, hate the sin!” I mean, nothing screams “love” like telling someone they’re hellbound for going against the word of the Lord while simultaneously eating from the forbidden Boom-Boom Shrimp Basket (#AsSeenInTheBible!) Would you like a side of ranch with that hypocrisy?
To those that may be clutching my section of Watermark in one hand and flicking a Bic in the other, well, I’m not sure what publication you thought you were reading, but thanks for reading this far. I hope you know that these embittered words are not for the all-knowing, all-loving God; I may have my questions for Her, but I do believe that good people are on this Earth and if they’re loving thy neighbor as they love themselves, than they deserve the gift of loving another human as much as anyone else.
Furthermore, no matter how many lemons discrimination, bigotry and hate try to throw, we have, can and will make sweet, inclusive lemonade out of it. And it will be fucking delicious.
Sabrina Ambra is a co-host of Real Radio 104.1’s “News Junkie” program and an LGBTQ activist in Central Florida.
