Suicide awareness, prevention and resources

This feature examines suicide in and outside of the LGBTQ community. Please utilize the resources included here if you are feeling suicidal or experiencing a mental health crisis.

Mari Macabenta wanted a healthy husband, not a dead wife. The choice couldn’t have been clearer.

She still felt it was one her in-laws expected her to make. Mari’s late husband Dreux had a long history of suicidal ideation – contemplations and preoccupations with death and suicide – and in 2015 had Baker Acted himself in a Tampa Bay facility for his own safety.

The Florida Baker Act allows individuals to be detained when they’re determined to be a threat to themselves or others. Evaluations are made by experts to assist those experiencing mental health crises.

Mari and Dreux had been together for more than six years at the time, married for nearly two of those, and their relationship with his parents had long been strained. They’d first failed to accept them as a lesbian couple, an identity Dreux felt was most readily available to him in 2008.

They were known as the Ashleys at the time, Mari still says fondly, having shared names assigned at birth. She adopted the moniker Mari when Dreux chose his name to help them both adjust to the change. She still uses it in his honor.

In 2015, Dreux came out as the transgender male he always was. Mari notes that he readily shared these details and more before his death in 2020, and is confident that he would today.
“It was part of our story and he was proud of that,” she says. “He wanted people to understand us.”

Before coming out as trans, Dreux sought help through the Baker Act over concerns about familial rejection. Mari says his fears were warranted.

“My in-laws were never super excited about the lesbian thing,” she remembers. “They pushed back almost immediately and in 2008, he told his parents he was having strong mental difficulties and that he felt like he just wanted to disappear. Dreux was love personified and he couldn’t deal with not being able to love me out loud.”

The same was true in 2015, when Dreux could no longer afford not to fully love himself. Mari remembers visiting him while he sought treatment.

“He basically said, ‘I need to live out, I need to live as me,’” she recalls. “‘I can’t keep it a secret, I can’t. I need to do this.’”

Mari reluctantly involved Dreux’s parents, deciding they should be apprised of his mental health, who she says “pushed back hard.”

“They looked at me and said, ‘you’re okay with this?’ and I told them ‘It doesn’t matter,’” Mari remembers. “Truly to my core it didn’t matter how I felt, because I would 100% rather have an alive husband than a dead wife.

“There was no question,” she continues. “I wanted him in my life. I married him, I made this commitment and I wanted to be with the person that I pledged my life to.”

While the Macabentas were more estranged from Dreux’s parents after that, they still sought to mend their relationship. That’s when they found PFLAG Tampa, which holds support meetings for families, friends and allies of the LGBTQ community.

It’s where they met Lucas Wehle, an LGBTQ activist who held regular support groups dedicated to detailing the trans experience he understands firsthand.

“Dreux struggled with his parents,” Wehle says. “His mom and stepdad really refused to accept him and so they came to my TransParent groups a couple of times.”

The group – which Wehle still maintains today – is designed to help parents understand their transgender children.

“Dreux’s mom was very candid and talked to me a lot about my experience,” he remembers. “I thought we were going to get somewhere and unfortunately, we never did. His mom never did come around to accept him.”

Dreux’s story is one many in the LGBTQ community can relate to. The Trevor Project, the world’s largest suicide prevention and crisis intervention organization for LGBTQ youth, found in 2022 that suicidal thoughts are trending upward for the entire community.

In their 2022 National Survey on LGBTQ Youth Mental Health, the organization surveyed 34,000 LGBTQ youth ages 13-24, finding 45% had seriously considered attempting suicide in the past year and 60% who wanted mental health care were unable to access it. That crisis extends to LGBTQ adults.

According to the American Foundation for Suicide Prevention, which has worked to act against this leading cause of death since 1987, stigma, prejudice and discrimination the LGBTQ community feels can increase the likelihood of stress, depression and other mental health concerns. When people lack access to quality mental health care, they note, depression, anxiety and substance abuse can increase risk for suicide in and outside of the LGBTQ community.

Wehle says he’s experienced that impact in his work.

“The LGBTQ community suffers disproportionately from mental health concerns and has a much higher rate of attempting suicide,” he says. “One of our biggest barriers here is that there aren’t a lot of LGBTQ-competent, mental health resources for folks to get the care that they need.”

Crisis facilities are working to change that in Central Florida and Tampa Bay, partnering with the 988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline. Many are part of the national network which provides free, confidential support to people in suicidal crisis or emotional distress, accessed by telephone in the U.S. 24/7 every day of the year.

The country transitioned from a 10-digit nationwide number to the dialing code 988 on July 16 after the passage of the National Suicide Hotline Designation Act in 2020. It was described as a key part of President Joe Biden’s strategy to address the nation’s mental health crisis.

When people call, text or chat via the three-digit code, they will be connected to trained counselors that are part of the Lifeline network. They will listen and provide support, connecting them to resources as needed.

The transition to 988 followed a multi-year joint effort to reach those in need. The Biden-Harris administration also increased federal funding from $24 to $432 million, scaling up crisis centers and provide additional services nationwide.

“988 is more than a number, it is a message: we’re there for you,” U.S. Dept. of Health and Human Services Secretary Xavier Becerra announced in July. “Through this and other actions, we are treating mental health as a priority and putting crisis care in reach for more Americans.”

“988 will be available nationwide for individuals in crisis, and their loved ones, to reach the 988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline more easily,” Federal Communications Commission Chairwoman Jessica Rosenworcel added. “This cross-government effort … comes at a crucial point to help address the mental health crisis in our country, especially for our young people.”

Heart of Florida United Way is one organization working to make an impact, which it does by operating 988 for Central Florida in addition to providing other services. They are the region’s largest supporter of health and human service agencies, focusing on creating long-term solutions for people in Orange, Osceola and Seminole Counties since 1939.

“The nationwide transition to 988 as a three-digit call, text and chat line is just the first important step in reimagining crisis support in the U.S.,” Senior Vice President Ashley Blasewitz says. HFUW answered more than 11,000 calls in 2021, which she notes equates to 30 suicide calls each day from their region alone.

“HFUW is committed to promoting equity and inclusion for the LGBTQ community,” she says. “Some of the ways we support our LGBTQ+ neighbors include our Ryan White program, which supports HIV/AIDS patients throughout Brevard, Lake, Orange, Osceola, and Seminole counties who are unable to afford sometimes costly HID/AIDS treatments, as well as strategically investing in partner agencies who support LGBTQ+ people in need.”

After the Pulse shooting in 2016, HFUW also partnered with the City of Orlando and the Orange County Government to establish the Orlando United Assistance Center. It provides services and support to aid in the physical and emotional healing for those affected by the tragedy.

Those offerings are now provided by the LGBT+ Center in Orlando under the name Orlando United Resiliency Services, in which HFUW continues to invest. That’s because they recognize the community’s specific challenges.

“According to national research, LGBTQ young adults ages 18-25 have suicidal ideation at more than four times the rate of heterosexual young adults, and almost 2 million LGBTQ youth aged 13-24 seriously consider suicide each year,” Blasewitz explains. “Members of the LGBTQ community deal with barriers exacerbated by a lack of support for substance use, transportation, housing and mental health.

“LGBTQ youth experience homelessness, suicide, and abuse at alarming rates,” she continues. “Members of the trans community experience disproportionate rates of violence and discrimination, especially trans women of color. In addition, the trans community is facing threats to gender-affirming care across the state.

“Heart of Florida United Way stands up for every person in Central Florida,” she stresses. “Every person.”

The same is true for the Crisis Center of Tampa Bay, which handles the region’s 988 response. The organization marked its 50th anniversary this year and seeks “to be that extraordinary place where all people find help, hope and healing to make tomorrow better.”

“The Crisis Center of Tampa Bay serves over 160,000 individuals each year through all of our services, with many clients being part of the LGBTQ community,” President & CEO Clara Reynolds says. “No population is immune to crisis, and our team works to ensure that individuals in the LGBTQ population know that we are a safe place for them to share their experiences and struggles and know that they will receive the help and support that they need and deserve.”

Reynolds also notes that COVID-19 greatly impacted the organization and others like it.

“As our community and beyond are coming out of the COVID-19 pandemic, we are feeling the impact in many ways,” she says. “There is a mental health tsunami currently in effect, with the need for mental health services increasing every day and exceeding the resources that are currently available.

“Calls to our contact center rose in March of 2020 and still haven’t returned to pre-pandemic levels, with many individuals disclosing that they are experiencing mental health issues for the first time in their life,” she adds.

988 has helped streamline the process for those in need.

“The Crisis Center is available for any member of our community needing help,” Reynolds stresses. “Our staff are available 24/7, 365 to ensure that no one in our community has to face crisis alone, regardless of what that crisis may be.”

Dreux went to the organization for help in 2015 for that reason. Mari says he experienced a personal high after leaving their care, having received proper medication and taken steps to live authentically as himself.

He became more heavily involved with local LGBTQ organizations, advocating for and with his community through local Pride events and gatherings. Mari lost track of how many people he hugged during Tampa Pride, Wehle still laughs at memories from St Pete Pride and Dreux made a name for himself in the Suncoast Softball League.

That’s where he met Teresa Noe, his coach and friend.

“My first impression was how outgoing and softspoken he was, and how passionate he got about what he did and loved,” she says.

One of those things was playing softball with his team. “He looked forward to it each Sunday,” Noe explains. “He was such a great player and kept everyone on the team going, making us laugh. Even off the field he was a person you wanted to be around – he always had a smile on his face and was an honest, genuine friend.”

Wehle agrees. He says “Dreux was probably the best guy friend I’ve ever had.”

“He was always willing to help other people,” he notes. “I don’t know anyone that Dreux didn’t get along with; he definitely didn’t have any problem making any friends.”

PFLAG Riverview President Faith Moeller was among them. Dreux and Mari attended the organization’s very first meeting in 2020 where she says “it was love at first sight for me.”

“During the first month of COVID I remember seeing a post on Facebook from Dreux,” Moeller says. “He had just gotten home from a jog around his neighborhood, where he felt so much freedom running without his T-shirt on in just his binder. His courage made me want to know him even more.”

Mari remembers that triumph. “He was living for the confidence,” she says warmly.

Not long after – on April 14, 2020 – Dreux died by suicide. He was 28.

“It was my understanding that Dreux was having a really good week or two,” Wehle says. “He had gone on that run and seemed to be in a decent place.

“In his last few months of his life, I think we were really seeing quite a bit of confidence that we hadn’t quite seen,” he continues. “It was a quite shocking to learn that he was feeling differently.”

“Dreux struggled with his mental health,” Mari says. “It’s especially hard being in an intersectional place; I know that as a Black woman who is queer, and Drew was biracial. He was Filipino, a Pacific Islander, and Black. He was also trans.

“You’ve got all these different things where people are telling you that you are less than or you should fit into a certain box,” she continues. “And then when you finally get the courage to say ‘obviously I’m not doing well, I should get some assistance,’ either the resources aren’t there or they’re difficult to get and maintain.”

That’s part of why the American Foundation for Suicide Prevention recognizes September as National Suicide Prevention Month, highlighting stories like Dreux’s to spotlight suicide awareness, prevention and resources. National Suicide Prevention Week will also be recognized this year from Sept. 4-10, the last of which is also World Suicide Prevention Day.

“AFSP takes advantage of the full month to offer understanding and guidance for the public … to help people know what they can do if they or someone they know is struggling, and how to have authentic, caring conversations about suicide and mental health,” the organization notes.

“Suicide prevention is important every day of the year,” they also say. “National Suicide Prevention Month gives us an opportunity to shine a special, encouraging light on this topic that affects us all, and send a clear, hopeful message that help is available and suicide can be prevented.”

Along those lines, the 988 Lifeline stresses that “we all have a role in preventing suicide.” Read how they say individuals can take care of themselves and others can help those in need in the sidebar here:

LGBTQ SUICIDE AWARENESS & PREVENTION

Courtesy of the 988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline.

PRACTICING SELF CARE

• Know you are not alone. There are resources where you can connect with other members of the LGBTQ community, available here and elsewhere.
• Build a support network. Develop a support network in your life that will help keep you safe and that you can lean on if you feel depressed or suicidal.
• Talk to someone. Don’t keep thoughts of suicide to yourself. Lean on your support network, find a therapist or a support group and utilize resources like the Lifeline.
• Make a safety plan. Have a step-by-step plan ready for if/when you feel depressed, suicidal, or in crisis, so you can start at step one and continue through the steps until you feel safe.

HOW TO HELP OTHERS

• Be an ally. Publicly show your support for the LGBTQ+ community. Ensure that you are supporting loved ones by affirming their identity, using their pronouns and being committed to providing a non-judgmental and safe space for all.
• Know the facts. Over 80% of LGBTQ+ youth have been assaulted or threatened, and every instance of victimization in an LGBTQ+ person’s life more than doubles the likelihood of self-harming.
• Ask and listen. Be an active part of your loved ones’ support systems and check in with them often. If they show any warning signs for suicide, be direct and ask. Tell them it’s OK to talk about suicidal feelings. Listen to their story without offering advice or judgment.
• Link them to resources and remember to take care of yourself. Collaborate with your loved one to get them any help they might need. If you’re not sure where to start, the Lifeline is always available, both for crisis intervention and to support allies.

“Having the Lifeline changed to 988 is huge – I hope that it’s really going to change lives,” Wehle says. “If anyone is struggling, please reach out. There’s always someone who you can talk to.”

“Your life is worth so much more and there is someone out there that is willing to listen and help,” Noe adds. “Your life is so precious and valuable.”

More than anything, Mari stresses, “I would rather listen to you for however long you need than read your eulogy. We all just need to give each other a little grace, because you never know what others are going through. There are resources and support groups available out there, find what works for you.”

View photos of Dreux, Mari, Lucas and PFLAG Riverview below, courtesy of his loved ones.

If you or someone you know is struggling or in crisis, help is available. Chat with a trained crisis counselor by calling/texting 988 or chatting at 988LifeLine.org.

Learn more about the Crisis Center of Tampa Bay at CrisisCenter.com, Heart of Florida United Way at HFUW.org, The Trevor Project at TheTrevorProject.org and American Foundation for Suicide Prevention at AFSP.org. Contact Wehle at LWehleConsulting@gmail.com for additional details about virtual and in-person TransParent meetings.