Literature, movies and TV shows played a pivotal role in shaping my queer identity.
I didn’t grow up with any direct queer representation, which led me down a path of reading books to discover who I am. Watching movies showed me romance and dedication in ways that could only be fiction in my world. TV shows were part of all those things — comfort, understanding, escape and discovery. These mediums have been like a life raft in my journey.
While in middle school I began secretly trying to understand where my queerness fit in the world. In the process I discovered books that helped me through this new journey, which was my only connection to anything queer. The first book that helped me was “Annie On My Mind” by the late Nancy Garden. It was about a pair of New York girls that were also on a journey of discovery. They find themselves falling in love and not having any guidance in the process. Honestly, the book transformed my world so much that I reached out to the author and suggested it be turned into a movie. To my pleasant surprise she wrote me back and said she received offers but nothing quite like what she pictured. My younger self daydreamed about being able to fulfill that desire for a stranger viewed as a beacon of hope.
Years later, I tried to find the author to connect with and unfortunately found out she had passed. This book filled with unsure romance and girlhood becoming was where I began to build an understanding of my queer identity. Some of the other books I found as a young queer were “Luna,” “Keeping You a Secret,” “Define Normal” and many others. Most, if not all, had a common theme — the struggle of being queer and having to keep that part of yourself quiet for fear of disappointment or ridicule. Of course, this resonated with me and led me down a path of denial for a few years. I think this is unfortunately the case for many queers, which is why the figurative closet exists for us to hide in.
Growing up I found myself surrounded by people but feeling like the loneliest person in the room. Building a sense of self was my greatest challenge. Not seeing any representation in media or even when I walked outside made the search increasingly difficult. It wasn’t until I got older, well into my 20’s, that I watched the early 2000s show “The L Word” and wow was my initial reaction. I’m not gonna lie, some of it felt toxic and stereotypical but a good amount provided a glimpse into the LGBTQ+ experience, which is something my younger self needed, even though my older self was watching. Jenny was one of those characters that was toxic while also showing the struggle of identity. Most of the characters were emotionally raw and others struggled to express their troubles like Shane. I found pieces of myself in all of them and was grateful to experience the show with someone that saw me. There are very few shows that took the chance to show lesbian relationships, but “The L Word” is timeless. I’m watching it again for the fifth time.
Movies that represented queer love and the complications associated with it were also few and far between. One movie I watched recently, which was created in 1995, is called “The Incredibly True Adventure of Two Girls in Love,” which starred a young woman who was also in “The L Word.” This film was beautifully made and explored trying to figure out what queerness meant to one of the main characters. The other character was on her lesbian journey but being met with the wrong type of attention. They found love in one another and fumbled and stumbled through it but their love was a reprieve from the rest of their world.
The film wasn’t quite like but close enough to the lesbian “Romeo and Juliet” I also daydreamed about. I could only imagine how this film was received in the 1990s but like most queer media it still meant something to watch it 30 years later and relate to the characters. It made me happy to know this film provided comfort to those struggling during the time it was released.
Being a masc-presenting, Afro-Latina lesbian, the struggle for representation is still difficult. I see a little more on the streets depending on the city I am in but on my screen and in my books they are still missing. Society and the government tell us “be quiet or get out,” from classrooms to the military. I had enough will, or we can call it courage, to stay the course despite the powers that be attempting to silence us. Media is often the cord that keeps young and old queer’s hopeful for a better future. I still daydream about a queer world, filled with peace love and no fear to be ourselves. I daydream of the closet never having to have existed and love being paramount in all households. These dreams are almost 20 years in the making and will remain with me until I can see them come to life. One day I hope we can get there and we can all see ourselves in all forms of media. As always, love is the most precious thing you can ever show yourself and those around you, so go forth and conquer.
Bryana Saldana is an Afro-Latina poet born and raised in Orlando. Saldana had her first published poem through “Women Who Roar.” Saldana’s pronouns are She/Her/They.
