I never asked to be a guru. And yet, here I am — doling out half-sincere wisdom like a TJ Maxx clearance bin version of Oprah. Not everyone wants my advice, and frankly, I don’t always want to give it. But whether it’s shouted across a parking lot or whispered into a glass of whiskey at 9:17 p.m. (after two to four neat pours, naturally), I’ve dropped some gems that, upon reflection, are actually kind of brilliant. Or at the very least, not entirely unhinged. Here are a few unsolicited nuggets of truth I’ve offered (or lived through) over the years. They weren’t asked for. But dammit, they were needed.
“If someone ghosts you, pretend they died and move on. Grieve. Grow. Block.”
This one’s been my go-to since 2016. Ghosting used to mess me up until I realized: Oh shit, they’re dead. Spiritually, emotionally, technologically. They passed into the afterlife of bad decisions. There is peace in pretending they were taken too soon by their own cowardice. Honor them with silence and an Instagram thirst trap. Bonus points if you caption it with something vague and dramatic, like “rising.” Do NOT caption it with, “I did a thing.”
“Don’t get bangs after a breakup. You’re not starting a new chapter; you’re writing in lipstick on a wine-stained napkin.”
Look, I say this with love because I did the thing. After a brutal breakup, I skipped the scissors and drunkenly adopted a dog. His name is Carl. My judgment was fogged with feelings and Jameson, and I had absolutely zero awareness that my application would be approved within 20 minutes. He was, and he is, the best impulse buy my heart ever made. So maybe the advice is: skip the haircut, adopt your soulmate. But also, make sure your soulmate doesn’t need obedience classes and a $1,300 dental cleaning within the first month. Ask me how I know.
“Never trust someone who uses a Bluetooth earpiece in public and doesn’t work in logistics.”
If you’re not actively routing produce from Modesto to Minneapolis, take it out. You’re not in the matrix, you’re in a Winn Dixie. And no, I don’t care if you’re “between calls,” you still look like you’re doing your own commentary track for life or waiting for Scotty to beam you up.
“Your gut is louder than your red flag filter. Trust it. Even if it sounds like gas.”
We always know, even when we pretend we don’t. If you feel weird around someone, even if they’re hot or have a Costco membership, that’s your gut waving its arms like a Pitbull backup dancer. Listen to it. Bonus: If it turns out to be gas, at least you didn’t ignore both types of warning signs. Double bonus if you excuse yourself and never return.
“Don’t mistake being needed for being valued.”
This one came out of my mouth mid-pep talk and even I had to pause like, “Wait… who said that?” Turns out it was me, baby. Codependency wears nice cologne sometimes but that doesn’t make it love. It makes it an unpaid internship. That was a full-blown Life Coach Energy™ moment from someone who had just eaten a bagel with more cream cheese than actual bagel (ratio-wise). If I ever start a TED Talk, it’ll begin with that line and end with me crying into my free promotional tote bag after spending $50 or more.
“See something, say something… but maybe make sure you’re seeing the right something.”
We’ve all heard the PSA. Mine comes with a backstory. I was at Walgreens for cigarettes and cat litter (the duality of woman) and noticed an elderly man sitting in his car next to mine. From my angle, it looked like he was… well, doing the five knuckle shuffle with no shame. Horrified, I shouted something along the lines of, “What the fuck?! You’re disgusting!” The man — bless his aging ears and confusion — lowered his window just in time for me to realize that what I saw wasn’t a crime against public decency but a reflection of flesh-colored leaves on the windshield. So yeah. Double-check your angles before you ruin grandpa’s Tuesday.
Final Sip of Wisdom
Look, I’m not claiming to be a philosopher. I’m just someone who has made enough mistakes — and narrated them loudly enough — to accidentally accumulate some wisdom. If even one of these tidbits keeps you from texting your ex, misreading a windshield reflection or adopting a third animal on a small bender, then my job here is done. For now.
And while none of this will land me a book deal (yet), I stand by my unsolicited advice because, like most of the best things in life, it’s unprompted, slightly chaotic and occasionally useful. If you’re looking for clarity, just remember: it might not come from a self-help book. It might come after a few pours, a poorly timed impulse decision or screaming at a stranger over phantom genitals. Namaste.
Sabrina Ambra is a co-host of Real Radio 104.1’s “News Junkie” program and stand-up comedian.
