My father-in-law passed away from cancer about six months ago. My partner, Adam, did most of the caretaking by himself. Adam’s brother, Tim, eventually showed up, but only because he had lost everything—his marriage, his house, his vehicle—due to his excessive drinking. Tim now lives with his mom, who is a wreck because Tim still drinks, has no job, and is depressed.
Adam and his mom hardly have a day of peace because of Tim. I can’t stand to see the person that I love in such distress over what each day will bring for his family.
I grew up in an alcoholic abusive family, and I’m not going through this battle again with an unwilling person.
What do we do now?
—Been Here Before
Dear Groundhog Day—
To begin, let me extend my heartfelt condolences to you and your partner’s family for the loss of his father. Your commitment to your partner and his family is laudable, but here comes the Truth, baby: it’s not your bale to tote.
The first piece of advice you should give is that AA has worked for millions of families, and if Tim doesn’t want to go, then perhaps Adam and his mother should, or at least seek out the help of an addiction specialist. Not to get all A&E on you, but clearly an intervention is in order and only when Adam and mom remove the giant safety net from underneath Tim (particularly allowing him to stay with his mother), nothing will change. Because it won’t have to.
Once he has no other alternative than getting himself sober and getting his life together, he just might actually start being accountable for himself. Adam and his mother are being held hostage by this person, and you are experiencing some collateral damage. But you ask “what do we do now?” The “we” in this case must primarily be Adam and his mom, not you. Good luck.
Dear Truth,
My boyfriend and I, both in our 30s, have been together about a year and I’m already losing interest in sex. However, his libido seems to be in overdrive. He wants to fool around all the time. I would rather sleep than have sex, and I get grouchy when he keeps me up at night or wakes me up in the morning because he wants to get off. When I say no, he gets moody and gives me the silent treatment. I’m flattered that he’s so turned on by me, but I just don’t crave sex like he does. What should I do?
—Worn Out
Dear Rode Hard and Put Away Dry—
No gay man needs to be told that variety can be the spice of a sex life, but as we mature, we hope to put away such things. If it is your internal sexual wiring that is cooling down, and not merely your attraction to your partner, get yourself to your general practitioner and have your testosterone levels checked. If it is a performance issue, not uncommon even among 30-year-olds, there are medicines to take to help erect-ify that problem.
My guess from your letter, though, is that there might be a psychological component to your issue that a good therapist will help you identify and treat. Sex is a beautiful and natural part of any intimate relationship. Without it, your relationship is a fragment of what it could be.
I hate to side with your partner but his moodiness and silent treatment are perfectly understandable by-products of constantly being shunned sexually. It is thoroughly unfair for you to expect your partner to go without just because you’re never in the mood. That’s like asking him not to eat because you’re not hungry.
Here comes the Truth, baby: it’s incumbent on you to figure out what the problem is. A 30-something man shouldn’t be having these issues and, particularly after only one year, you and your partner should have enough gas in the tank to go all night.
