Dear Truth,
I was just diagnosed with HIV. I have no symptoms, but have begun taking preemptive medication on the advice of my doctor. His words: “I’ll see you grow old.” I believe him.
It was a stupid one-night stand, we didn’t use protection, and I should know better. The worst of it is that I have a partner of more than 15 years. Like a lot of longtime gay male couples, we’d opened the relationship.
I told him immediately. We’ll get through it. But we disagree about one thing: I’m very close with his large family—all local—and he thinks we should tell them. “I did the closet thing for a long time,” he says, “and I don’t want to hide anything anymore.”
I don’t want to tell. I don’t see the need. And while they’ll likely be sympathetic, I think they’ll see me—and us—differently A small part of me even thinks my partner wants to punish me a little in this way.
What would you do?
–Mr. Stupid
Dear El Stupido
What would I do? I would wear a condom. Seriously, people, why would anyone have unprotected anal sex these days? And with a one-night stand?! The lover must be a saint. And that’s all I have to say about that.
I can’t for a moment think why your lover would be getting vengeance by telling his family. Your doctor may be right in saying that he’ll watch you grow old, but this isn’t the common cold we’re talking about. The ramifications of this disease are serious and life-changing. HIV will take up residence in your house and there it shall stay for the rest of your life.
Mercifully, HIV has become more of a chronic condition than a death sentence. But it’s not like hay fever; its a major pain in the ass filled with fistfuls of meticulously timed medication, doctors visits and the necessity to ponder your health before most major decisions you and your lover will ever make. It will be a true burden to hide from those closest to you. If he thinks his family should know, that’s his call.
At this point, the fact he didn’t drop you means he’s either the most forgiving man on the planet or he’s doing the same thing himself. Either way, you’re playing with house money. Shut up and play along.
Dear Truth,
I just started dating a sexy, great looking man. The third or fourth time we slept together he pulled out some porn, saying “You should see this, it’s really hot.” It was, and it ended up being fun. But now it’s pretty clear this is his routine… poppers, too. It’s pretty much the same when we’re together, regardless of the circumstances. Wednesday after work: porn and poppers. Friday night after the bar: porn and poppers. Lazy Sunday morning: porn and poppers.
I guess it’s not a deal-breaker for me—he’s so hot! But this is not my idea of romance, or even good sex for that matter. What ever happened to mood music and kissing? I think they’re a crutch for him, and that it doesn’t bode well for our future sex life. What do you think, Truth?
P.S. Can you recommend a good CD for sex?
–Old Fashioned
Dear Oldie, Goodie
You don’t give Johnny Wad’s relationship history but my guess is that porn and poppers have been on the menu while he’s alone a lot more than sex with loving partners. Therefore, by sheer repetition, he has connected sex in general with P&P specifically and has developed a little dependency. He’s probably afraid that by removing those crutches, he won’t enjoy himself or, worse yet, be able to perform.
For the record, a little porn never hurt anyone (unless specifically labeled as doing so). But with overindulgence, it can create addiction issues for those predisposed. (And don’t get me started on poppers, which may seem harmless but show the door to more brain cells than much harder drugs. The sensation created by a hit of poppers is your brain believing its dying. Enough said.)
Here comes the Truth, baby: you’ve got to get him out of his comfort zone. There is nothing wrong with the porn play as long as it’s not every time. I’d recommend a (clothed) conversation about your concerns and a desire to not throw out the porn but at least have a more diverse sexual experience. Shake things up a little. Do it outside. Maybe some road head. Maybe make your own movie.
The longer he depends on the poppers and the porn, the harder the habit will be to break. Start today. But for Christ’s sake, wear a condom.
