The gay community is under attack, and it’s not just from right-wing religious zealots. Crystal Meth has long circulated in a subculture of our community, especially where gay men congregate.
The drug commonly referred to as “Tina” has become so readily available that gay men from all ethnicities and economic backgrounds are lured by its sexual power and tempting highs. But the addiction ruins lives and continues to spread through night clubs, bath houses and at social gatherings.
Jeff May of Sarasota, didn’t even know he was trying Crystal Meth until someone told him what it was.
“The first time I did it I was 17,” the 28-year-old recalls. “When I did crystal I was out in Ybor and someone told me to take something and I did. It was crystal and I didn’t feel anything from it. But I was excited to try something new.”
May isn’t alone. Forty five year-old Orlando resident Shane, who asked that his real name not be used, also fell under the spell of the drug. But he didn’t encounter it until he was 38 when he and his partner at the time invited other men into their sex life.
“We were at a bar and a friend of ours said, ‘You’ve got to try a ball,’” Shane says. “It started out as a booty bump. I don’t recall it having any effect on me. I had always been a top, but in this situation when I got the crystal, it turned me into a bottom. It will make the most dominant top flip in a second.”
A booty bump, Shane explains, is when crystal meth is dissolved in water and injected into the rectum. As with May, Shane didn’t think he was hooked. But soon he found himself single, homeless and contemplating suicide.
Jim Nixon, who works at Metro Wellness and Community in St. Petersburg, and is also a sales associate at Watermark, has also been influenced by the lure of crystal meth. Months after his partner passed away, Nixon and his new boyfriend were in a Fort bath house bath house looking for sex. He was offered crystal meth and he snorted it.
“It burned but it gave me a euphoric sense,” Nixon says. “I was more sexually aggressive and it relaxed inhibitions, which is part of the downfall.”
Soon, at 35, the formally anti-drug spokesperson was getting high and exploring new experiences in his sexual life.
“It was sort of a perpetuated cycle of having an open sexual relationship,” Nixon says. “Everywhere we went we were surrounded by people using. All of these beautiful men were dancing, sweating on each other—it makes you want to become a part of that.”
Jeff, Shane and Jim did become a part of that culture—and all three lost nearly everything they had.
A downward spiral
“You don’t realize it, but the first hit will take you down a never-ending spiral that will result in death,” says May, who very nearly lost his life in his battle with crystal meth. “My life was completely out of control. I couldn’t go a day without drugs or without drinking.”
May had moved to St. Petersburg and was living with a boyfriend, who happened to be a crystal meth dealer. May said he could get the drug any time he wanted it at little or no cost. He used every day for nearly a year. Soon he was up for days at a time, sometimes longer than a week, and began engaging in high-risk sex.
For Shane, his crystal meth addiction made him lose everything, including his six-figure salary job. He says his meth use escalated so much that he was slamming the drug, meaning he injected the drug directly into his veins.
“That’s the most addictive way to take it,” Shane says. “I was a high-ranking official in an advertising agency and was making money hand over fist. Between me and my partner, we spent $40,000 a year on the crap.”
Shane’s meth use and sex life revolved around each other. He and his former partner would host parties, ingest the drug and engage in group sex.
“We had a friend who got crystal meth from California and Mexico,” Shane says. “He would get a delivery every Thursday through FedEx and on Fridays we’d go buy a $375 8-ball. If we didn’t want to run out, sometimes we’d buy more.
“One time he came to our house with a tackle box full of the stuff. I freaked out. I didn’t want him in the house. But it wasn’t enough to scare me off of the drug.”
Shane and his partner began using the drug independently of each other, which led to their split and increased Shane’s addiction.
“Eventually I got to the point where I was shooting up a gram of meth a day,” Shane recalls. “I would only come out of my room to drink water or grab a bite of food after my ex left to see his boyfriend or to go to work. I had lost my job and really had no reason to live. I was miserable.”
Nixon ingested less meth than Shane. However, his constant use of the drug eventually caused him to leave his well-paying South Florida job.
“It progressed slowly and I used maybe once every one or two months,” Nixon says. “Soon it was one weekend a month, then every weekend. My relationship started to crumble and I found I was using so I could deal with the troubles at home.”
Nixon soon left his job because he suspected that his bosses knew about his drug use—paranoia is a symptom of meth use. He also says that his job interfered with his party lifestyle.
“I just didn’t care about work,” Nixon says. “Partying was more important to me than anything else. I completely lost focus of everything and life evolved around crystal meth.”
Rock bottom
On Memorial Day weekend, Shane almost died—and he wanted death to come. Despite having been accepted into a Tampa-based drug rehabilitation program for veterans, Shane continued to inject nearly a quarter of a gram of crystal meth directly into his blood stream every few hours.
“I was in my room, alone, and was sobbing,” Shane recalls. “I knew that a week later I was going into rehab and I saw that I had a gram left of crystal meth.”
Shane put the drug in a syringe and says he was ready to end it all.
“I looked up at a crucifix in my room and said, ‘If you’re not going to kill me, I’m going to pray to someone who will. Satan, you motherfucker, come and get me.’”
With that, Shane injected the full gram and soon began shaking uncontrollably. He recalls needing the restroom, but he was unable to walk.
“I was crying and crawling to the master bathroom shower,” Shane says emotionally. “I sat there, urinated and crawled back to the bed. Before I passed out I looked up at the crucifix again and said, “My God, don’t let this happen to me.’”
Shane awoke 18 hours later, half on his bed and half on the floor and still alone.
Nixon never got to the point of suicide, but his addiction did land him in jail.
While living in Fort Lauderdale, Nixon was arrested for possession, which is a class-three felony. He says he and his partner were pulled over with crystal meth in the vehicle. He contends the drugs were his partner’s, but he took the fall because he wasn’t working and the couple needed to hang onto some income.
“I bonded out and during that period of random drug testing and going through the courts, my partner was still partying,” Nixon says. “We split and during the pretrial I was still using occasionally. If I had tested positive then I would have been in jail permanently. But I was so addicted I didn’t care. The drug is that powerful that you’d risk going go jail!”
May even risked his relationship with his family after becoming violently addicted to crystal meth.
“At one point I pulled a knife on several of my family members,” he says. “After staying up three or four days, I’d see stuff that wasn’t there. It was horrible.”
May says he constantly felt alone and misunderstood, which would make him crave another hit of the drug. He soon learned his sexual behavior fixated by crystal meth led to a positive HIV diagnosis.
“My boyfriend at the time was positive and he never told me,” May says. “I tried to kill myself a few weeks after we broke up. I was on a suicide mission.”
Finding recovery
There comes a moment when an addict knows he can’t sink any lower. But finding the courage and determination to regain control can be difficult.
“The last month I used was pure hell,” Shane remembers. “It could be the amount I was using or maybe the quality. But everything had fallen apart. My relationship of nine years was over, I was alone and I was even afraid of the dark. I would literally make sure my closet door was open so I knew no one was in there. I had to get help.”
The first time Shane walked into the VA recovery center, he could still feel the crystal meth coursing through his body. He says he didn’t know if they would let him enter.
“While sitting in the lobby, I remember seeing Lisa, a marine,” he says. “We started rehab the same day. She looked over at me and asked if I was okay. It was the first time I felt love from anybody for months and months. To this day we are best friends.”
Shane now has a well-paying job in Orlando and has a new relationship of a year. His recovery has been successful, but he remembers the journey. He volunteers and donates to programs that help addicts reclaim their lives.
For May, his journey back to control began when he broke up with his boyfriend and returned to Sarasota.
“I lived in denial for a long time and kept using heavier and heavier,” May says. “Three years ago I put myself in rehab and built a support group around that. Today I surround myself with those who don’t use and the only time I go out to a club is if there’s a specific event like a concert or a show.”
May even returned to school and earned a degree in fashion design. His life is back on track, he says, and his relationship with his family is improving.
“To say it’s like it was before would be a lie,” he says of his relationship with his family. “Whenever anybody goes through that there’s a lot of respect lost. I’m working at getting that back. They are beyond supportive. They know what its like if I go back there.”
Not everyone uses official programs to come clean. Nixon says no programs fit him personally, so he gave up crystal meth on his own.
“I didn’t have a plan, but I knew I had to leave Fort Lauderdale,” he says. “I was surrounded by it and I couldn’t escape. So I moved to St. Petersburg.”
While he admits he had several lapses, Nixon eventually gave up his addiction and met a new boyfriend. Through the support of that relationship, he was able to stay off crystal meth, despite several temptations.
“I didn’t know if I could do it on my own,” Nixon says. “I didn’t want to go to Narcotics Anonymous because it’s religious based, and I’m agnostic. I knew I couldn’t afford rehab and I didn’t want to use my insurance at my new job because I didn’t want my boss to know.”
But that doesn’t mean he is opposed to others using available programs.
“You need to reach out for help,” he says. “I remember researching how to get off meth long before I actually quit. You have to identify triggers and remove those triggers from your life.”
Nixon has been off crystal meth for nearly four years.
