Every week I tune in to The Celebrity Apprentice. The trash talk. The miscommunications. The backstabbing. What’s not to love?
I never realized how much Donald Trump and I have in common. Patience isn’t really his strong suit and he makes no effort to tiptoe around the facts. You don’t pull your weight and you’re fired. You use bad manners and you’re fired. You do something stupid, you’re fired. You don’t know who Alexander McQueen is, you’re fired.
And where else can you see brutal honesty? Admittedly, there are times I wish I hadn’t taken the “high road” in previous break-ups and had my very own Joan Rivers moment like last season’s showdown between she and Annie Duke…“ You’re a piece of sh&%! You’re a poker playa…A poker playa. That’s beyond white trash. You’re trash, darling…You’re scum,” Rivers tartly stated.
So, I got to thinking. What if I dated Celebrity Apprentice-style?
It’s brilliant! The one time I should be more discerning is when looking for Mr. Right. So, why not gather my top dating candidates for a little head-to-head competition?
Think about it. Would any of the candidates on The Celebrity Apprentice show up late or forget to call? I don’t think so. Why? Because they know that if they did, they’d be history. The same is true for dating.
I would assemble ten fabulously qualified eligibles for a month-long date-off. Every week would involve a different dating task, like a “Home Life Challenge” to see if he replaces the toilet paper roll over or under, leave a pile of dishes in the sink or let the garbage overflow and see what he does. Another could be to take him out to a nightclub and gauge his social etiquette and attentiveness. Hell, I’d even throw in a bonus if they can provide the correct answer to the question, “Are you truly versatile?” Then of course, they’d have to prove it.
All the while, candidates would be judged on style, good manners, restaurant and lube choices and the ability to make me cum. Yes, of course sex would be part of the tasks!
At the end of each week, I’d call a few of the pejoratives into the boardroom (or maybe the bedroom) and let somebody go.
To truly weed out the chooches that may have slipped under my radar, I would enlist my very own Don and Ivanka to keep an eye on the candidates, offer opinions and report back.
Why date like The Donald? First, it’s efficient. Why go through one lousy date at a time when you can date in bulk? Second, it’s easier to see who the really great candidates are and who the best fit is for you by comparing them side-by-side. With traditional dating, you may not realize that old flame was the perfect match for you (six or seven years too late, after they’ve already been scooped up by somebody else.) And last, well, it would make looking for Mr. Right a hell of a lot more entertaining!
In the end, you may just end up with someone who’s not only perfect for you but also with someone who clearly wants to be there.
Erik Fact: Do it right, and you’ll never again have to say, “You’re selfish in bed, you’re a lousy dresser, and putting the toilet paper on the roll ‘Under’ is annoying. You’re fired.”
