Dear Truth,
Last year, my best friend, Mark, told me he tested positive for HIV. Mark didn’t sleep around much and he said he always played safe, so he was really surprised and upset when he got his results. He also asked me not to tell anyone because he didn’t want people to treat him like he was “sick,” so I have kept this information private. Recently, Mark has been hooking up a lot, and I’ve been told that he is having unprotected sex. I’m sure Mark isn’t telling these guys that he’s positive. I’m really worried about him and the guys he’s sleeping with, but I don’t want to betray his confidence. Any advice?
—Warn or Wait
Dear WOW,
Emergency! Mark needs to be set straight immediately. I would go to him and ask him directly if he’s practicing safe sex and notifying his partners of his status. That’s the only acceptable path for him to take. Not only is it the right thing to do, but in many jurisdictions, having unprotected sex with people when you know you’re HIV positive is also illegal. Frankly, he has put you in a very difficult position. By disclosing his status to you, and then going on a raw tear through your community, he is asking for you to keep more than his status secret. He’s asking you to be complicit in his offense. Being a good friend doesn’t mean sitting by mutely as he infects people with a very serious disease. He may not care about the people he’s sleeping with, but that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t. It’s all kinds of foul. Here comes the Truth, baby: your question isn’t about friendship or betraying a confidence, it’s about public health. Tell him that if he doesn’t tell the people he’s sleeping with what his status is, that you will take it upon yourself to do it.
Dear Truth,
I am a 38-year-old single gay man living in St. Pete, and I really like porn. I spend at least three hours every day looking for and watching gay (and sometimes straight) porn, more if I’m not working. I’m a handsome guy with a good job, so it’s not like I can’t get a date. But when I do meet a guy, I usually watch videos while we’re having sex. For me, it heightens the experience and gets me turned on; without it, sex just isn’t that interesting.
Unfortunately, most guys aren’t into porn like I am, so it’s been really hard for me to find a boyfriend. My friends don’t understand why I’m still single, but I’m embarrassed to talk about it because they all treat porn like it’s something dirty. I’m tired of being single but I know that my fascination with porn is here to stay. What should I do?
—Porn Junkie
Dear PJ,
Your fascination with porn is only here to stay if you want it to be. I’ve said it before: a little porn here and there never hurt anyone, unless hurting someone is, in fact, the subject matter of the movie. But what you have is a dependence, and like any dependence, it needs to be addressed, particularly if it’s getting in the way of healthy adult relationships. You probably think it’s a permanent presence in your life because you use it like a security blanket. It allows you to establish a buffer between yourself and other people, thereby staving off intimacy and insulating you from pain and heartbreak. Over time you’ve connected all your sexual feelings to porn. But those connections can be rewired, if you really want them to be. To that end, my advice to you will be a little unsatisfying, pun intended. You need more professional advice. Contact a psychotherapist who can help you turn off the porn and connect with the flesh and blood person (people) in front of you.
