Dear Truth,
I am a 35-year-olf gay man living in Orlando. My partner and I have been together for seven years and we are very happy. We both have good jobs and we live quite comfortably, and we often contribute to charities because we feel it's important to â┚¬Å”give back.â┚¬Â Now that same-sex adoption is legal (or almost legal) in Florida, I want to adopt and raise an unwanted child. Unfortunately, my partner does not. I think a child would enhance our relationship, and I believe it is incumbent upon those who have the means (like us) to help out the needy and less fortunate in society. He says he didn't come into our relationship expecting a family and adopting would end our social lives. Who's right?
â┚¬â€ÂDaddy Wannabee
Dear Spicy Wannabee,
First of all, no one's right. Let's just start there. This is a case of differing points of view, not a case of a binary right/wrong call. Unfortunately, you didn't talk about this at the top of your relationship. That's understandable. As gay men, I think a lot of us have simply concluded that our lifestyle situation will most probably result in no kids. That said, more and more gay men are challenging that notion. In fact, recent statistics indicate that gay men are the large â┚¬Ëœgrowth' demographic for adoption, which is all kinds of lovely in my book. You don't give your partner's age so I'm left to only guess that the two of you are of roughly the same age. Here's the good news: Since neither of you have a biological clock that ticks, this isn't a decision you need to make today.
While I don't necessarily agree that it's â┚¬Ëœincumbent' on anyone to adopt children, I get you. At the moment your lover doesn't really feel the same and your co-joined social life is of the upmost importance to him. Okay, but if he's a thoughtful person, chances are that he will evolve and adopting children might be something he warms to over time. But direct communication is necessary. If he is someone who will never want children, and you're someone who feels your life would be incomplete without them, then you might have a hurdle you can't cross. Here comes the Truth: you won't know until you ask. So ask.
Dear Truth,
My boyfriend Cliff and I broke up about a year ago after being together for five years. Towards the end of our relationship we fought constantly, but prior to that we had years of really good, fun times. We've just started hanging out together again, and I'm reminded of why I fell in love with him: he's kind, generous, and sexy as hell. I'd like to be friends with Cliff, but every time he gets cocktailed he wants to argue about all the negative shit from our past. I know he still cares for meâ┚¬â€Âand I definitely feel connected to himâ┚¬â€Âbut I don't see how we can be friends if he won't let bygones be bygones. Is it possible to be friends with an ex, or does a bad break-up signal the end?
â┚¬â€ÂTorn in Tampa
Dear TiT (sorry, had to),
Every situation is unique, so I wouldn't say that a bad break-up necessarily always means the end. Sometimes passion is what drove the beginning and the end, and that's the way it breaks. Words said in anger can be recanted and bonds can be restored. Clearly, he's fixated on the bad stuff that happened, at least when he's with you. That indicates that he's still licking some wounds. It also indicates that you're still very present in his thoughts. While it's bittersweet to let go of the feelings (and with it the drama), I think that some real separation is necessary.
You might have been out of each other's company for a certain time before you started to see each other again, but clearly not enough time has passed for either of you. You still have feelings for him and he has feelings (at least of profound ambivalence, if that isn't an oxymoron) for you. I would recommend that you put the idea of the two of you together out of your collective heads and allow yourselves to heal. If the wounds you've laid upon each other can heal, well, time will tell. Here comes the Truth: While there are still so many scabs to pick at, neither of you can heal properly.
