Dear Truth,
Is it wrong to put off breaking up with someone until after their birthday? I am a 30-something gay male living in Orlando and I have been dating this guy, Leon, for about seven months. Leon moved here from Canada about two years ago and all his family still lives there, so he doesn't really have anyone to celebrate his birthday with. He's 23 and came out right before he moved to Florida, and he has had nothing but bad luck sinceâ┚¬â€Âhe's broke, unemployed, and staying with me until he can find a place to live. Leon is very sweet and I really like him, but I can already see that we don't have a long-term future togetherâ┚¬â€Âwe're just too different. I think breaking up with him now would devastate him, but it feels disingenuous to continue acting like everything's ok. Should I wait or end it now?
â┚¬â€ÂFeel Like Scrooge
Dear Ebenezer,
It seems that Leon's bad luck also extends to your relationship. Sheesh. Poor guy. I'm sure you have your reasons, though, and since you didn't really comment on the cause of you not seeing a long-term future with him, I can't really debate the â┚¬Ëœwhy' with you. So all that's left is the â┚¬Ëœwhen.'
If it is at all possible, I think you can wait for just a couple of days or weeks to pull the plug. I don't think it's disingenuous to â┚¬Ëœpretend.' I presume you still care for him and would want to celebrate his birthday with him in some way. If everyone who decided to end a relationship did it they moment the thought entered their head, we'd have a lot more divorce in this country than we already do.
You're not obligated to come out with it at this specific moment, particularly when your intentions are only to spare his feelings at a vulnerable time. That said, I would avoid buying extravagant or particularly meaningful gifts, so as to lessen the blow somewhat. Maybe you can just throw him a party at your house and invite friends old and new so that he can deepen some friendships. That way you've done a nice thing, but it won't be sitting on his mantel or hanging in his closet years from now to remind him.
Dear Truth,
My partner of nine years, Shawna, passed away from cancer in November 2008, right after Thanksgiving. Needless to say, the holidays are full of powerful and poignant memories for me, and sometimes I get a little sad and depressed. This year, my friends â┚¬Å”decidedâ┚¬Â that I needed to get out more and enjoy the season and bombarded me with invitations and activities. While I appreciate their efforts, I resent their insistence that I â┚¬Å”make new memoriesâ┚¬Â so I can â┚¬Å”move onâ┚¬ÂÂâ┚¬â€Âtheir words, not mineâ┚¬â€Âfrom my relationship with Shawna. I've tried shopping and going out to holiday parties, but the holidays were Shawna's thing and everything I see and do makes me think of her.
My friends are concerned that I'm making things worse by dwelling on the past, but I feel that I'm entitled to deal with Shawna's passing and the holidays in my own way. What do you think?
â┚¬â€ÂBroken-Hearted in Brevard
Dear BiB,
Let me begin by saying you sound like you have lovely, caring friends. You may not love their choice of words, but they're correct when they imply that moving on is a healthy and important part of the process of grieving. I think you've decided that â┚¬Ëœmoving on' somehow means moving away from Shawna's memory.
That will never happen.
Clearly you had a deep love, and you'll feel her presence in your life forever. But here comes the Truth, my dear: Shawna would want you to live a full and happy life in her absence. I say you take a big breath, start accepting some of those invitations and re-enter the land of the living. It's what Shawna would want, and most importantly, it's the healthiest thing you can do for your heart, and for Shawna's memory.
