Dear Truth,
I've been dating a guy, Philip, for about a year and things are starting to get serious. Philip is a really sweet man in his 40s (I'm 38) and I adore him; however, he's been unemployed since September and I'm starting to wonder about his priorities. Right after he was laid off from his paralegal position, Philip dove into the job hunt.
Now, however, he seems content to collect unemployment and only looks for job postings online. I've tried to give him ideas and encouragement about getting out and actively searching for work, but he just gets irritated and withdraws. I know finding work is tough in this economy, but I'm frustrated that Philip is being so passive. Plus, I'm tired of having to pay for things. What can I do to get him going?
â┚¬â€ÂTampa Bystander
Dear Tampa By,
My answer would be completely different if he were 28 or even 32. But he's in his 40s. At this point in his life, it's critical for the health of his career and resume to get back on that horse as quickly as possible.
I know that it's tough out there, but there are jobs available and only the most diligent will find them. Phillip is clearly falling into the category of â┚¬Ëœless than diligent.' That said, I'm not sure you can be the one to light that fire, if it isn't already crackling somewhere within his character. Here comes the Truth, although my advice will seem a bit contradictory. It's important to tread carefully, but it's also important that he understand that the stakes are high. That you don't live together gives you a little less room to lecture, but a friendly nudge might get Phillip back in the game.
Dear Truth,
My girlfriend, Kate, just moved in with me and I'm wondering if it was a good idea. Kate and I started dating about three years ago, but it was long distanceâ┚¬â€ÂI live in Orlando and she lived in Miami. We fell madly in love and she applied for a job transfer so we could be together.
Much to my surprise, Kate has been totally inflexible about merging our two households, including our pets. She insists that we use all of her furnishings because she â┚¬Å”had to get rid of so muchâ┚¬Â to make the move, which means I'll have to store or sell my furniture, etc. She also complains about my cat (she's allergic), even though she stayed at my place a hundred times before. The kicker is that she brought both of her dogs (instead of the one we agreed on) because she â┚¬Å”just couldn't decideâ┚¬Â which one to leave.
I love Kate, but I'm really feeling put upon. What should I do?
â┚¬â€ÂCramped Quarters
Dear CQ,
You two have made a tactical error. To go from living in different cities to living under the same roof was, simply put, too big a leap, and I would submit it would be so for any relationships. I know that finances sometimes dictate making decisions you wouldn't otherwise make, so let me say this: if you have the means to do so, Kate should immediately get her own place.
That way, you can settle into dating regularly as a next step as opposed to going from long-distance lovers to roomies. When you're dating but not living together, you have the space and time to work out all the issues you are currently experiencing. If you don't, or she doesn't, have the bank to make that happen, then I would strongly recommend a couples' counselor or at least a good and impartial friend to whom you can air grievances and come to a greater understanding. As an animal lover, asking her to choose one of her two pets is a pretty big request. That she agreed to that and then didn't follow through is a pretty big misunderstanding (if I'm being kind to Kate).
Here comes the Truth: Next moves are critical, CQ. I'd seek professional guidance through this rocky period.
