Oh COVID, like many things in life I thought I had you figured out. I thought I knew you. I thought I understood you but you have proven me wrong. Like an ex-girlfriend who wants to process our relationship from a decade ago and still be friends, you are lurking and holding on.
I was on the dancefloor of life, reemerging from quarantine and actually enjoying myself. I had found joy in my new normal. Then, from across the club, I saw you walk in. The music stopped. I quickly looked away, trying to ignore you and hoping you didn’t see me. But, my gut says, you did. Now, I’m distracted by knowing you are here, in my space and on my turf. I want to pretend you never happened but you won’t let me. I sweep the room, looking for you and hoping you aren’t heading in my direction.
BAM! It’s too late. You are heading straight for me with that fake smile, pretending we are friends. Your small talk is irritating and aggravating, asking questions about my life, my wife and my kids. And, slowly, ever so slowly, you have made us all your business. Some don’t believe how manipulative and destructive you can be. Yet, others have seen and felt your wrath. I hold my breath wishing you will just leave and let me be. But, you don’t.
The first to fall was my five year old. My wife and I had decided in March of 2020 to hunker down and strictly quarantine because of him. He suffers from severe asthma. Hearing about the respiratory nightmares and complications, I was terrified he would catch COVID.
Since we believe in science and regularly monitor the numbers, we lowered our guard and enrolled him into an in-person summer pre-K program. We just wanted to prepare him for his fundamental year of kindergarten in the fall. A decision that still torments me.
On the last day of class, what seemed to be a typical day, our morning routine was disrupted by a fever and a mild cough. My wife rushed him to our pediatrician. An hour later, I was facing my worst-case scenario. As you can imagine, keeping two siblings apart while quarantining is impossible. Once COVID had infiltrated our home, we figured it was a matter of time. It felt like we were living with the devil herself, never knowing who she would possess next. The second was my wife. She was out for the count leaving me to care for our kiddos. The third was my oldest kiddo. He was the sickest out of all of us. By that time, our five year old was back to his rambunctious self and eagerly ready to return to school, but he couldn’t.
Like in a horror movie, I watched everyone around me steadily become infected. I did everything I could to care for them and protect myself while still being a mother, wife and professional. I had recently accepted a new position with Come Out With Pride as the executive director. With Pride being around the corner, I had no time to slow down or get sick. Pride must march on! Finally, after three weeks of sleeping with the enemy, she got me. COVID hit me like a truck. At the peak of the controversial conversation about police in Pride, I powered through with a smile, only sharing my secret with a few close friends. I was determined to show COVID she had no power over me. Yet, she penetrated me, physically and mentally. I believed her cruel lies and the rumors. COVID was my fault and a sign of failure.
Everyone in my family had contracted COVID. Her revenge mission as a scorned lover was complete. But was it successful and did she accomplish what she set out to do? Like most relationships, even the bad ones, I learned a few things. I recognize she will always and forever be part of my life’s journey, impacting my family and myself in ways that haven’t been revealed yet. And, I grew from our time together. I learned that I need to ask for help more often and accepting help is a stronger action than struggling alone.
I learned that I need to practice more self-care and be kinder to myself, giving myself the same gift of grace as I do for others. And, I learned to combat the rumors, lies and stigma behind being positive for COVID, I must share my story. As a society, we are too quick to blame the victim. It was not my fault I contracted COVID. We wear masks. We are vaccinated. We quarantined. We tried our best. Yet, she still got us. And, we survived, understanding a lot don’t. We are tremendously grateful for our health and our lack of complications. By openly talking about my experience, I want others to know you aren’t tainted or contaminated, there’s no shame and it’s not your fault.
As most ex-girlfriends, your happiness is their unhappiness. So, I’ve moved on. My household has recuperated. We’re all feeling better. My children have returned to school, wearing masks and Pride is still happening! Yes, COVID, you can’t steal my Pride. If anything, she motivated me to work harder with my amazing team of board members and volunteers to produce an extraordinary celebration of love and LIFE.
Tatiana Quiroga is the Executive Director for Come Out With Pride. She is a proud mother, wife and LGBTQ advocate in Central Florida.
