Sometimes things just do not go the way we planned. Maybe we got distracted along the way, maybe a roadblock proved to be more challenging than anticipated, or maybe the other members in a group project did not do their part.
Regardless of extensive planning and effort, we are not always guaranteed our expected results. This can be frustrating and discouraging; how should we navigate this type of disappointment in a positive way?
First, I recommend that you feel your feelings thoroughly, even when they might not be the best feelings. Ignoring them will not make them go away, they will instead accumulate and explode when we least expect it.
Before jumping into problem-solving mode, give yourself some grace and quiet to process what has happened. If you feel like crying, do not suppress it. If you feel like screaming, take a deep breath and let it out. If you feel like staying home, cozy up in your safe space.
Take the time you need to feel better, but I have a warning for you: please do not get too comfortable in this step. If you do, sadness and inaction can become the norm of your daily routine and that is not healthy for anybody. At some point, you must dust yourself off and think about what comes next.
Sometimes, feelings of joy and hope start to slowly come back on their own. Other times, you must make the conscious decision to set aside the frustration and actively choose joy and hope in order to feel better, facing the world head on with all its imperfections.
I understand that choosing joy in the face of disappointment is sometimes easier said than done, but it is doable. Think about the small things in life that bring you joy — like listening to music by your favorite artist, watching your favorite show, eating your favorite meal or wearing your favorite outfit. Small instances of joy can accumulate in a positive manner.
However, my prime recommendation to find your joy again is to seek it out with others, with whoever you consider to be your community. Your community could be your siblings and cousins, your chosen family, your friends who you see and talk to in a local safe space, the people with whom you play your favorite sport or hobby, or the online friends you have made over the years. It is cathartic to talk about all aspects of your life with people who know you and care about you.
Solitude will feed your sadness, but the right companionship will feed your joy.
In addition to finding refuge with your community, you can take it one step further and look for ways to help your community. Whenever I feel like I am in a funk, I look forward to whatever event the Tampa Bay Sisters of Perpetual Indulgence have coming up, because I know that I will immediately start feeling better when I shift my mind to focus on others instead of on myself.
You can help others on a large scale by volunteering with a local charity of your choice, but helping others on a more personal, small scale is equally valuable. Prepare a meal for your friends, offer them help with home projects, give them a ride if they need to get somewhere, or lend a friendly ear if they are going through a tough situation. By comforting and helping others, you also end up comforting and helping yourself. That is the magic of meaningfully engaging with your community.
So after you have allowed yourself to feel your feelings and have started to pursue joy again, what’s next? This is when you can get into that problem-solving mode and take some action.
Why exactly did you not get the expected results? There will probably be some personal reasons, things that are under your control. Think about what you could do differently in the future.
Maybe you start earlier, maybe you plan things out more concretely, maybe you ask for help when you need it, maybe you consider more other people’s perspectives, maybe you anticipate potential challenges before they occur so you are better prepared.
However, there will probably be some external reasons why you did not get your expected results. I recommend not lingering for too long trying to address things that are out of your control. We cannot control how others act, we cannot control when somebody else makes a decision with which we disagree, we cannot control when the weather acts up or when we get sick. It will be more productive and healthier to focus on what you can control with determination, creativity and kindness.
Even when things do not go the way we expected, always remember that this too shall pass. Every problem has a solution, and every day is a brand new opportunity to pursue our goals and dreams. Do not let an unexpected result shake you to the point of giving up. There is always next time, and you have a community of people rooting for you. As long as we always help each other, we can overcome anything.
Sister Juana Reaction is an educator by both vocation and training. As a fully professed member of the Tampa Bay Sisters of Perpetual Indulgence, she spreads joy at local queer events and helps with fundraising for many local charities.
