Dear Truth,
What is it about the holidays that makes people act so weird? My girlfriend, Kim, flipped out on me because I didn’t come out to my parents when they came to visit me in Kissimmee over Christmas. I’m sure they know I’m a lesbian, but I’m just not ready to have that conversation with them (I come from a conservative Baptist family). After they left, Kim kept asking me if I was embarrassed to be with her or ashamed of who I am. Then she said she wasn’t sure if she could be with someone who was living a lie. Kim and I have been together a year and I really like her. But this is so out of character for her (she’s usually really loving and supportive), and I think she is overstepping her boundaries when it comes to my family. Do you agree?
—Post-Holiday Letdown
Dear Emily Post,
I don’t think you’re actually asking me a question about the emotional effect of the holidays. You would have to be thick as a brick to think that Kim’s desires for you to live your life openly was somehow heightened or influenced by some sort of seasonal malaise. Secondly, you ask why she’s acting so weird. She’s not. She’s acting concerned about the future of your relationship, and I think she’s right to.
It’s true that no one can force someone to come out before they are ready, but it is perfectly acceptable to have a baseline expectation of only being with someone who is out. There are always reasons to stay in the closet, and you have yours. But her questions about how you feel about her and about yourself are perfectly legitimate ones. You’ve only been dating a year, and as things get more serious, the gravity of your personal choices on her become heavier. She’s learning that you aren’t in transition into an out person at this point; you’re stuck, you seem to be okay being stuck and she’s simply saying she’s not okay sitting there in the mud with you. For some people, being able to be proud of their primary love, and to want that reciprocated from their partner, is table stakes. It seems Kim is one of those people.
If she spoke to your parents or ‘outed’ you in some other way, I would agree that she is overstepping boundaries. But she’s done none of that. She’s put it on you, where it should be. What you do with it is up to you. Here comes the Truth, baby: your decision to come out is yours and yours alone to make. But by agreeing to date this person in the first place, you took responsibility for some corner of that person’s heart. They are going to be affected by the decisions you make and the values you have, and they have the right to evaluate your worldview and determine if it works for them. That’s called dating; it’s why we don’t get married on the first date. We’re not talking about a simple difference of opinion here. There can be no question what the right thing to do is in this situation. It’s obvious. You know coming out is a healthier decision than not. You simply haven’t grown the set you need yet to seal the deal. You want to have a relationship with this person? Well, she certainly has let you know what you have to do. If you can’t or won’t, that will be sad, but it will have been your decision—and your loss.
Dear Truth,
I just got back from visiting my parents and family in Michigan and I realized we have a problem. I am a single gay man in my 30s and I have two brothers and a sister, all of whom I love dearly. I am out to my family and they are very supportive. My concern is that my family avoids all discussion of my personal life, as if I am some kind of eunuch who exists in a sexual vacuum.
We talk about my siblings’ relationships all the time, but no one ever asks whether I’m seeing anyone or how my last break up went, or even if I’m happy being single (which they ask my brother all the time). When I try to bring it up, it’s awkward and I feel like I’m forcing the issue.
Invariably, someone just changes the subject. I know my family loves me, but I’m beginning to wonder if they truly accept me. Any suggestions?
—Left Out
Dear Lefty,
Well, of course I have a suggestion. The next time you are at a family function, take your natural turn in the conversation when it turns to love and relationships. Talk normally about what’s going on with you, but in a family appropriate way. If what you describe happens again, it’s time for a family meeting and I’d waste no time in doing so. I’d gather everyone around and directly describe to them what you’ve described to me, and tell them how it makes you feel. Let them know that you appreciate that topics of gay sex can make people uncomfortable and that you promise to not make it any more intimate than any of your siblings.
If they see that you are genuinely hurt by their actions, I bet your loving and supportive family will rise to the occasion.
