I’ve been talking to a guy named Mick in Miami online for about six weeks, and although we’ve never met, I’m pretty sure I’m falling for him. We’re both in our 30s, professionals, and we click in every way imaginable. We have the same sense of humor and we can discuss everything from American Idol to national politics and relationships.
Mick has sent me numerous texts, emails and pictures, so I really feel like I know him. Two weeks ago he confided that he’s been talking to another guy that he met online but hasn’t met in person. Mick said that he never been attracted to two guys at once like this, and that he told me for “full disclosure” and because he felt guilty about dividing his time between us. Not surprisingly, he has been just as sweet and attentive (if not more so) since he told me.
I want to believe that Mick shared this as a sign of integrity, but I can’t help thinking that he’s somehow playing me. We’re supposed to meet soon but I’m scared that I’m being set up to have my heart broken. Am I wrong to be concerned?
—Head Over Heels in Hillsborough
Dear Belinda Carlisle.
Let me begin with a warning You’re not going to like what the Truth has to say. But here goes: As a man in his 30s, you should be mature enough to know that you can’t possibly know that you click in ‘every way imaginable.’ This is because the most important ways in which two people click, particularly romantically, have yet to be revealed because you haven’t met the man! I know that contemporary society has represented a shift in how people meet and interact, but not that much. Here comes the Truth: until you meet this person, you need to make some deep cuts to your expectations. Online chats and texts and all of that are lovely ways to make a connection, but until you’re face to face, the two of you are nothing more than electronic pen pals.
You have undoubtedly projected fantasies on this person that he will not be able to sustain. The fact that you’re fearful of a broken heart upon meeting him indicates you’re a little tipsy with crazy, frankly. Whether or not he’s playing you is a question I can’t answer, although his statement that this is the first time that Mick has ever been attracted to two guys at once sounds like unadulterated bullshit. And while that makes me wonder, as a strict matter of fact, you and he don’t have a real relationship, so he didn’t actually owe you that explanation. I suppose it’s a positive that he provided ‘full disclosure.’ Assuming that he’s not, yes, playing you for some perverse amusement. Simply put, dial it back, girl.
Dear Truth,
I am a 26-year-old gay man living in Pinellas County. About two years ago I broke up with my then-boyfriend, Shane, because he had become increasingly jealous and we were always fighting about my supposed “flirting” with other guys. Shane and I started dating in college and we were together for five mostly good years. We were deeply in love—I thought I was going to spend the rest of my life with him. After the break-up, Shane apologized for his jealousy, so I forgave him and we have become good friends.
Now I find out from a college buddy that while we were still together, Shane sent naked pictures—including x-pics of the two of us— to other guys. I am furious! It kills me that the whole time I was defending myself against Shane’s accusations of flirting and fooling around, he was using my pics to flirt with everyone in Tampa. I know that Shane is a different person now and I should let bygones be bygones, but I feel so angry inside. What should I do?
—Unwilling Porn Star
Dear UPS Man,
Ah, such an old story. Me thinks thou dost protest too much. Sound familiar? Most often, people who have outsized reactions of jealousy are assuming that you are doing the things that they are doing. Honest, loyal people don’t automatically go to ‘you’re cheating.’ You’re a good person for forgiving him and salvaging a positive friendship. But here comes the Truth: what happened in a relationship in what is now the distance past is just that, in the past. You are absolutely entitled to an apology and his performance in delivering that apology should inform the future of your friendship. But if he is, in fact, heartfully sorry, then stick with the program, chalk it up to immaturity, stay moved on from an ill-fated relationship and retain his friendship.
