Have you ever wanted to kiss someone and punch them in the face at the same time?
Even though I was thankful for the clarity and narrowly escaping what could’ve been yet another detrimental relationship, I couldn’t help but wonder why I had picked Warren?
I was sitting at my neighborhood gay bar, feeding the juke box full of break-up and empowerment songs, sipping on Cape Cods and analyzing my behavior. For starters, I was going at the relationship the wrong way and was doing things for him for the wrong reasons. I was doing things to get recognition or love but it shouldn’t matter what I’m doing for him. A potential suitor should want me for me; insecurities; flaws and all.
Then I thought, maybe I had misconstrued the situation all together, trying to make him something he wasn’t meant to be. Warren came into my life, as most people do, for a reason. His was to be a friend, a mirror, to help me see that my relationship with John was unhealthy, over and that I could open my heart again.
In the end, I realized I had put too much weight on the relationship with Warren. I knew he was basically John with a different face but deep down, I would tell myself, it had to work. Otherwise, there must be truth in what John said about me being a controlling, nagging, mistake. And that I had thrown away any chance of loving and being loved again.
As I wondered if I was going to continue to be haunted by my past and continue making the same mistakes, my past walked in the door. A familiar voice bellowed above the music. I glanced over to see John with some Rough Trade wrapped around him. This didn’t shock me because I had heard through the grapevine that he and Danny had recently broken up. I rolled my eyes.
I’m so not in the mindset to deal with this.
I couldn’t bear to let him know that things hadn’t worked out with Warren, so I threw back my drink and tried to make a B-line for the door. Before I could hop off my stool, John was already situated next to me at the bar.
He introduced me to his fellow inebriated “friend.” I was cordial but wondered if anyone would blame me if I was a tad snarky.
“Wow, what’s this,” he questioned rubbing his hand across my cheek to feel my newly grown beard. “I like it. Very sexy.”
“Thanks,” I said, retracting so that my face was no longer within grasp.
I turned back toward the bar as his date wandered off to find the restroom. I began playing with my phone, hoping John would take the hint and go away.
“You look really good,” he slurred.
Flabbergasted, I looked over at him hovering over my shoulder. “Aren’t you on a date?”
“Erik, you know you’re the only man I love.”
“What?!”
“Do you still love me?”
Now you know what I meant with my intro question.
“I can’t answer that,” I replied sincerely.
“Just tell me that you still love me. That’s all I need to know.”
“John, you’re drunk. You’re obviously upset about your break-up with Danny. And you’re here with some trick. I can’t answer that question right now.”
As his date staggered over, John leaned in to kiss me. Not expecting it, I swiftly turned my head so his lips landed on the side of my mouth. Rough Trade came to retrieve John so they could leave.
While John was still leaning in to hug me, I whispered, “If you “love” me, don’t go home with that guy.”
“I’m doing what I need to do,” he replied, walking off with R.T.
I had no idea what that meant but I did know I had made the right decision.
Is it true that you’re bound to run into old lovers, ex-boyfriends, anyone you have unresolved issues with, again and again until you resolve them? I thought my relationship with John was long-dead but with one question he was suddenly a presence in my life again. Or had he never left?
“Do you still have feelings for John?” my friend Scott asked me the next day over coffee.
“No!” I instantly answered. “I don’t know…I don’t know.”
Erik Fact: “That which doesn’t kill you, makes you want to die.” – Beverly Donofrio
