Intimate partner violence, or domestic violence, is traditionally thought of as a women’s issue – a crime perpetrated against women by men. When looking at binary gender statistics, this sentiment is true.
Women are more likely to be abused, are three times more likely to get hurt during abuse and are more likely to experience long-lasting effects from the violence perpetrated against them. However, since the beginning of the battered women’s movement in the 1970s, we now have a better picture of how power and control affect queer relationships.
With increased advocacy and research, we now know that intimate partner violence affects the LGBTQ+ community at the same if not higher rates than in heterosexual, cisgender relationships. According to the National Intimate Partner and Sexual Violence Survey, 43.8% of lesbian women and 61.1% of bisexual women report having experienced rape, physical violence and/or stalking by an intimate partner at some point in their lifetime, compared to 35% of heterosexual women. Additionally, 26% of gay men and 37.3% of bisexual men have reported experiencing the same, compared to 29% of heterosexual men.
These numbers get worse for the transgender community. A staggering 88.9% of trans youth have experienced physical abuse at the hands of a dating partner.
At its core, intimate partner violence is a partner’s sense of entitlement to power and control in the relationship. Perpetrators will use emotional, verbal, financial and physical abuse tactics to gain and maintain power and control.
Abusers will use intimidation to devalue their partner’s sense of self-worth and gaslight until the victim believes that they are at fault for the abuse. While all survivors of intimate partner violence may experience these control tactics, perpetrators in LGBTQ+ relationships will utilize additional power and control tactics not seen in heterosexual and/or cisgender partnerships.
These abusers will use homophobic, transphobic and heteronormative tendencies to reinforce the manipulation and to belittle their partners. They may threaten to out their partner or question whether their partner is a “real man” or “real lesbian.”
If survivors try to speak out, abusers will reinforce the belief that it’s not “domestic violence” because they are in an LGBTQ+ relationship. They may deny their partner access to gender-affirming medications or tools, or prevent them from accessing queer-friendly resources in the community for support.
The social service programs and agencies available to survivors of intimate partner violence, put in place to provide safety and security, are unfortunately not without their own heteronormative barriers. Survivors are forced to relive their story multiple times as they explain their circumstances to various institutions. LGBTQ+ survivors are not only faced with this potentially traumatic experience, but also with having to come out again and again with each interaction. Support groups for survivors are gendered, screening protocols and intimate partner violence response systems are often presumptuous and if staff members aren’t effectively trained, biased.
In addition to systemic barriers, more hurdles come from an unexpected place – the queer community itself. For the past several decades, the LGBTQ+ community has dedicated a significant amount of time, energy, resources, blood, sweat and tears, to the ever-present campaign for acceptance and equitable access to resources.
While tremendous gains have been made, advocates and allies alike know that there are still injustices and basic human rights denied to the community. Because of homophobia, there can be an undercurrent of pressure for queer individuals to “not give the community a bad name,” especially in their relationships.
Queer intimate partner violence survivors also fear ostracization, real or perceived, from the LGBTQ+ community for “airing their dirty laundry.” There is a fear that by disclosing the abuse that they have experienced at the hands of their partner, they will be giving bigoted individuals more fuel for the fire.
So how do we make a change? At an individual level, we need to call out toxic and abusive behaviors when we see them. We need to hold friends, family and colleagues accountable for relationship abuse.
As a community, bars, restaurants, local businesses and support agencies need to be conscious of intimate partner violence and its complexities, as well as how to support survivors. Systemically, we need to recognize and acknowledge intimate partner violence in all of its forms and be more cognizant about how it affects survivors.
The Spring of Tampa Bay’s LGBTQ+ Roundtable is one group actively working towards societal change. This formal volunteer organization has a mission of educating the community about intimate partner violence in LGBTQ+ relationships, advocating for victims and connecting survivors to an inclusive network of resources.
This is not work that we can do alone. To create effective change, we need a community-wide response. It is important that we call out abusive behaviors when we see them, hold batterers accountable and validate the experiences of intimate partner violence survivors.
Christine Meister and Kayden Rodriguez serve on the prevention team at The Spring of Tampa Bay, Hillsborough County’s certified domestic violence center. Its mission is to prevent domestic violence, protect victims and promote change. If you or someone you know is experiencing intimate partner abuse, confidentially contact their free, 24/7 Domestic Violence Crisis Hotline at 813.247.SAFE (7233) or the National Hotline at 1.800.799.SAFE (7233). To join its LGBTQ+ Roundtable or host a community training, contact Prevention@TheSpring.org.
