Is it just me or do gay boys turn into the biggest sissies when they get sick? I mean, hello! It’s just the flu! It’s not the end of your shiny, fantastic world—or your boyfriend’s. On not-so-fresh days, just remind your man that an open airway isn’t a gift, it’s a privilege. And besides, you have more important matters to attend to, like getting well again. For many this is a common conundrum—trying to place your needs before your boyfriend’s. Selflessness can be deemed an admirable trait when you’re coupled, but it can also weaken your power line, especially when your boyfriend takes charge.
Like my friend, Steve. We love Steve, but he’s not using his brain these days. He’s in love with a selfish, self-absorbed man—the most attractive kind.
Admit it—you and I are no better. We’ve been dicklashed too. But when you get the flu and your man has no time to dash to the store to purchase OJ for your whiny ass, it’s time to move on.
Not Steve, though! No! He loves his neglectful man, Frodo, even though he doesn’t trust the shady bastard further than he can throw him. When Steve caught the flu last week, Frodo was too busy to stop by the house to play Nurse Nightingale. So Steve decided to go to him.
Conjure the scene: Steve, a big Italian bear of a man, running to his Beamer with a box of tissues, a thermometer and a mission! He’s sweating and feverish, but that’s not a big deal. Steve’s got more pressing matters than his 102 temperature. Like why isn’t Frodo answering his cell phone? Why won’t he kiss me in public? Why is he always texting that drag queen at the bar? And how does he manage to forget his wallet every time we go out to dinner?
“I can’t help it,” Steve snapped, calling me from his cell phone. “Am I pathetic?”
“No, you’re in love,” I said, knowing that was only half the answer.
The other part—the tiny bit I failed to mention—is the crippling insanity of love gone wrong. After passion turns into need that morphs into jealousy that results in stalking.
Sick or not, no man in his right mind would sit in a BMW parked across from his boyfriend’s home for three solid-gold hours just because the boyfriend wasn’t returning calls. Would he?
“Where do you think he is?” Steve asked with a panicky sniffle. “He said he was staying home to study. Where could he be?”
Over the phone, I could hear the smooth rush of air as his hand pulled multiple tissues from a box. In the background, Britney sang about living in a circus over the radio.
“I don’t know,” I replied, trying not to mask my impatience. “Stinking up the toilet at Starbucks like every other college student?”
“Oh shit! Here he comes!” Steve gasped, and then I heard dial tone. The rest of the story was recounted later. According to Steve, it all went downhill from there.
You see, Frodo was not (surprise, surprise) alone when he arrived home. No, he had gone to lunch with a crusty, gray-balled gentleman (Steve’s description) who followed him into the house as sick, sad Steve sat in silent dread in his shiny BMW. What happened next is too predictable. Sneezing and wheezing, Steve yanked the thermometer out of his ass and ran in the front door behind them.
“Um, excuse me. Is there something you’d like to tell me?” he asked the startled Frodo. “Haven’t you been worried about me?” he further inquired, dripping in a cold sweat. “And who is this old slut?!”
“Uh…,” Frodo began, turning beet-red. “This is my grandfather…you idiot.”
To which good ole grandpa added, “Frodo, you should learn to lock the door behind you.”
I’m not shitting you. This happened. And the end result? Well, let’s just say Frodo took his grandfather’s advice a step further and changed the lock as well.
This is what happens when there’s no trust. You connect the wrong dots and the picture turns out ugly—and inaccurate. And you end up looking crazy. Sound familiar?
But it’s not all on Steve. If Frodo was a nice, attentive boyfriend, he would have been there for Steve, tissue and cold compress in hand. That’s what you do in a relationship: you put your lover before yourself, especially when he needs it most. And in return, your lover shows his gratitude by not exploiting the circumstances.
Steve has yet to figure this out. He clings to the hope that he and Frodo have a future together, even though they barely have a past. And the sickest part: as reward for telling my true friend the truth, I risk losing him.
