It had been two days since John, Warren and my “date.” Even though I had apologized for not coming home and tried to get John to talk to me about what he was feeling, he wouldn’t look or talk to me. When he stopped coming home straight from work and would stagger in late at night inebriated, I figured it was a safe bet that our relationship was over. After a week of this behavior, I decided to sit him down and ask him directly what was going on.
In typical John fashion, he shut me out with “I’m still thinking” and “I’m still hurt.” I agreed to give him his space but knew this was just delaying the inevitable.
A few days later, my suspicions were confirmed when I received a text from an acquaintance, asking why John was telling people we were broken up. It turns out he had been telling people for the past week that we had broken up because I was “having an affair.” Wow! Who needs love like that?
I was devastated by his lack of respect for our relationship but at the same time a sense of relief came over me. I sat reflecting on our four year relationship and all the red flags.
They say hindsight’s 20/20. Should it have been over before it even started when he was cheating on his partner of 13 years with me? When I first saw his temper and he would throw and break things? When he beat me up for saying something he didn’t like? When I caught him cheating? When he would constantly say we were broken up every time we had an argument? When I found out that he’d been trashing me to his friends but then turning around and trashing them to me? When he would shut me out or give me the silent treatment whenever he couldn’t own up to a disagreement? When he stopped making me a priority?
Alas, no. And even though I knew it was over, I still didn’t have closure. I knew why I was ready to call it quits but I needed to know his reason why.
Over a nice quiet dinner at home, I listed all of the areas that I needed to work on and how I could be a better partner. After I had laid my heart on the table one last time, John then disclosed that he never wanted to be in a relationship. How can you argue with that?
While I was annoyed and confounded that I wasted four years with someone who wasn’t really there, I felt it was an honest answer. I also took comfort in the fact that even though I had my faults, I was at least aware of them and they were repairable while John was simply intimately challenged. I could now walk away with a clear conscience knowing that I had done everything I could to salvage our relationship.
The next day, John texted me and asked if he could talk to me that night. At first, I thought, ‘What’s the point?’ After staring at the text for a couple of hours, I replied, “yes.” A brief glimmer of hope washed over me thinking that maybe he had heard me the previous night and was willing to own up to his faults and really make a conscious effort to make our relationship work.
Instead, the “talk” was more like a slap in the face. He told me that after talking to his friends, he realized he still loved me. He needed his friends to tell him what he was feeling? Red flag.
“If you want, you could try and date me again,” John offered.
I looked at him, my eye twitching. I was flabbergasted.
“I can try and date you?” I was astounded. I almost laughed hysterically.
“Never mind,” John snapped.
“Apparently, you didn’t hear me yesterday,” I explained. “I don’t want to go backwards. I want to work on a future with you. Besides that, you made it abundantly clear that you didn’t want to be in a relationship, so why in the hell would I waste my time?”
“Forget it,” he barked. “I don’t want to be with you anyway. You made me miserable for the past four years!”
Surprisingly, his bitter words didn’t faze me. I actually smirked at him.
“There’s John,” I said calmly. “Thank you for giving me the closure I needed.”
Erik Fact: Love requires so much work to keep you from getting hurt that you either harden up to make the tough times easier or give all your energy and dignity away, leaving nothing for yourself. Or you might be one of the lucky ones who manage to keep love the first priority in a relationship. If a couple is able to face their shit, battle it out and win, you’ll get to the next level of intimacy. Being able to overcome something together can be very empowering.
