All I Want for Christmas is a Jew, Part 2

Over the next few weeks, John and I continued to spend time together and yes â┚¬â€œ sleep together. I wasn't sure what we were; friends, boyfriends, friends with benefits but we were actually communicating. It seemed like we were actually on the same page as far as working toward a goal of getting back together.

Meanwhile, my apartment lease was almost up. Since John and I still owned a house together and we were getting along so well and because being single is expensive, we decided I should just move back in â┚¬â€œ of course, into the guest bedroom.

While at first, I was ok with not defining our relationship, there came a point where I just needed to know. I mean, after months of spending so much time together and being intimate, why shouldn't you be allowed to know where you stand with someone you're, for all intents and purposes, dating? I knew I wasn't dating anyone else. Besides that, I've never been one to just have sex with people without the benefit of monogamy.

At dinner one night, I found myself desperate to ask but I kept psyching myself out of it out of fear that it would scare him away. Experience showed that John had an aversion to commitment. That night, while in bed, my heart took over for my head.

â┚¬Å”I love you,â┚¬Â I blurted out.

John paused. He looked like a deer in headlights. I quickly tried to backtrack.

â┚¬Å”â┚¬Â¦inside of me,â┚¬Â I added.

He knew what I meant, though. I guess I could no longer avoid bringing it up. As we were getting ready for bed, I asked.

â┚¬Å”So, what are we?â┚¬Â

â┚¬Å”We're reconnecting,â┚¬Â he stated.

â┚¬Å”Okâ┚¬Â¦What does that mean?â┚¬Â

â┚¬Å”Ugh, Erik,â┚¬Â he began sternly, â┚¬Å”I thought you had changed.â┚¬Â

â┚¬Å”What does that mean?â┚¬Â

â┚¬Å”I thought you were able to just have sex without getting emotionally attached.â┚¬Â

â┚¬Å”Excuse me?! My morals have never changed!â┚¬Â

â┚¬Å”Well, I can't make a commitment.â┚¬Â

There it was. The statement no hopeless romantic wants to hear from the person they're helplessly in love with.

â┚¬Å”Well, what are your intentions with me, then?â┚¬Â

â┚¬Å”I like being with you but I'm working on me right now.â┚¬Â

An infuriating response.

â┚¬Å”If you're working on yourself and your commitment issues, then don't you think you shouldn't be dating anyone then?â┚¬Â I asked, dumbfounded.

â┚¬Å”I care about you but I don't expect you to wait for me.â┚¬Â

Another knock to my ego.

â┚¬Å”So, what you're saying is, you still want to date other people?â┚¬Â

â┚¬Å”Yes, I want to keep my options open.â┚¬Â

Pow! Another sucker punch. To me, that says â┚¬Ëœyou're not enough.'

It sucks when you realize you're at a different emotional place than someone else. What could I do except respect his wishes and take care of myself? So, I began going on dates again and actually met a few that I was really starting to care for.

Apparently, John couldn't respect his own wishes. Any time he learned I was going on a date, he'd make snide comments.

This is what you wanted, though.

While I was out at a nightclub with a date, John happened to show up with CJ, who of course, he was still seeing. Normally, I would've been uncomfortable or jealous even. Since John had set boundaries, I was fine with seeing him with another man.

As I was locking lips with my date, John happened to walk by. I swear, total coincidence. I'm not one to try and throw something in someone's face so, when I saw him, I instantly pulled away from my date. John had definitely caught a glimpse and stormed out of the nightclub.

Later that night, when I got home, I tried to talk to him calmly about it and tried to empathize with his feelings and vice versa but he would have no part of it.

â┚¬Å”John, I'm so confused,â┚¬Â I stated.

â┚¬Å”It's not you, it's me,â┚¬Â he whined.

Oh, no, he didn't just use that line on me.

â┚¬Å”I am NOT going to apologize,â┚¬Â I snapped. â┚¬Å”I'm single. If you want to change that, all you have to do is say the word. Until then, go to Hell!â┚¬Â

â┚¬Å”Yes, I'm the asshole,â┚¬Â he said passive aggressively.

Clearly, we weren't on the same page. All these months, I thought John had grown. I guess I just had delusions that after more than a year apart would've allowed him to realize that I was the only man he wanted to be with â┚¬â€œ that maybe he'd see that there must be a reason we never really left each other's lives after the break-up and why we were reconnecting romantically again. I knew that he was my Chosen person but alas, he just saw me as an option.

With that, I also realized that if he couldn't be monogamous, I definitely couldn't have sex with him. To me, that comes with intimacy and trust. It was then, I knew the best Hanukah gift I could give him — and myself was to back off; see him as any other man I was casually dating.

â┚¬Å”I want–and have always wanted– to build my life around you,â┚¬Â I began. â┚¬Å”I am proud to be with you. I want you to feel the same about me. I don't know what role do you see me as in your life but if it's just a friend, that's fine but I just ask that you please be honest with me. I feel like I've been the only one fighting for the chance to make it work. I think about you all the time. I think about how much fun we have together, how much you make me smile and laugh, things you taught me, conversations we had and as I've said before, even just sitting doing nothing with you made me feel complete and content. I know that is all still there. I miss us. I love you but I love me more. So, with that, I think the best thing I can offer you, is to let you go and stop pursuing you.â┚¬Â

Erik Fact: If after months or years of dating someone, they still can't be in a state of monogamous, as far as I'm concerned, they're in a state of denial. And I'm in a state as well. It's called single.