Sweet Divinity: Go West

Hello, Dolls!

When last you saw me within the pages of this illustrious publication, I was giving you advice on how to remain sane during this quarantine. I waxed poetic about staying hydrated and reading. I mentioned the importance of staying in touch with friends, reconnecting with family and a great many other things that sounded great on paper.

That was November.

As of the publication of this article, I will have been all but isolated aside from one show and two dental appointments since the Ides of March, 2020. With all of my Gwyneth Paltrow goopy bullshit, I look back on the holidays and what has transpired since, and I am a little teensy bit overwhelmed.

I don’t assume that anybody who has ever really gotten to know me would describe me with words such as … well, I dunno, like “together,” or “solid,” or even, “safe around the elderly or infirm.” And the only person who has ever used my name and the word “stable” in the same sentence owned a ranch and suggested I purchase my shoes from a blacksmith. But, such as it is, I have done my best to keep my chin UP! (It’s damned-near impossible to eat Ben & Jerry’s from a horizontal position. Thankfully the news has kept me sitting up with the same frequency as one of those animated fish tank skeletons.)

Elections and insurrections kept the already weary media on their toes. Still, it has been refreshing to receive press briefings from a significantly less hostile White House deputy press secretary. After Sean Spicer, Sarah Huckleberry Sanders and Kayliegh McEnema, it’s a nice change of tune to currently be unable to remember the name of the soft spoken redhead who currently stands behind that podium. It’s truly a brand new day. (NOW WITH LESS ANGER!)

Rush Limbaugh has gone on to join the “Choir Invisible” and will be shaking a tail feather at Zsa Zsa Gabor’s house party in the sky. After his exit, many people spoke ill of the dead whilst another percentage of well-meaning folks argued that it was “too soon” and “in poor taste,” per usual. As I don’t generally tend to ask permission to relinquish my scruples, I’ll just ask if anyone happens to know where he was stashing 20,000 Oxycontins … for a friend.

There’s been a lot of important events since my last article dated Nov. 5, 2020: Presidential elections, subsequent claims of election fraud and then — just as things had become too much to bear, Melania Trump suggested that we fornicate the Christmas. (As if she would even hold the Christmas’ hand!)

Proving that everything is, in fact, bigger in Texas, massive snows and record cold temperatures were still somehow eclipsed by Ted Cruz’s ability to not only throw his children under the bus, but to also climb into it, take the wheel and make a run for the border.

Britney Spears is now attempting to regain control of her wealth from her father before menopause kicks in and I say good for HER! Until pop starts shaking his bare ass with a python around his neck to make them coins, leave Britney alone.

But the most devastating occurrence since we last saw one another has truly been the demise of the Kardashian / West family. I guess she’s packing up North West and taking Southwestern to the East coast for a while. The couple has somehow also managed to accumulate three more children with names equally as unconventional. (There are a lot of Wests in that house for there to be so little direction.)

I don’t understand how this could happen. I mean, here you have Republican Caitlyn Jenner’s step daughter — a woman made famous over an amateur sex tape — living out her third marriage in 20 years, paired with a rapper who clearly ingested lead paint chips as a child. As a result of said paint, or perhaps a sharp blow to the head, he decided he wanted to play president for a while. So, in the eleventh hour, he launches a campaign under the new “Birthday Party.” (Seriously. The “Birthday” party. I guess “Tupperware” was already trademarked and “Donner” felt too dark.) What could possibly go wrong?

Well, it’s impossible to get elected to the Oval Office without a wife. I mean, I know Kim Kardashian is a very busy girl. I can only imagine how difficult it must be to learn how to read between all of those dress fittings and developing a fragrance that has the “effervescence of grapefruit and pink peppercorn” and subtle notes of limousine upholstery and poodle vomit. If this is what’s going to bring down Yeezy’s political empire, maybe she could just take a check for four years and refuse to hold his hand. Precedent has been set.

Such bizarre and polarizing times. Can we all just agree that it’s wonderful this year — as wonky as it may be — that we are starting off with the ability to “worry” about the vapid rather than biting our nails in a corner? With vaccines on the way and a slow but steady return to normalcy, we might be able to look forward to a springtime of the soul!


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