Healing is one of those words that seems to get lost in translation. The meaning is lost between social media’s perception of it and the actual work required. As someone currently on a healing journey, what I provide here is simply from my perspective and what I have gathered from those around me.
Firstly, whomever is reading this, I want to extend sincere gratitude to you because having this platform has been part of my healing journey. Experiencing the space to speak my truth, and maybe express a remnant of others, has been one of my greatest risks I shot out into the void. Telling my story and connecting with you is a medicine of its own kind. With that being said, let’s journey back to a time in my life where healing was needed.
I was a teenager learning the world and cultures beyond my purview. Aged 17, going to my first doctor appointment alone and terrified. The dreaded “Are you having sex?” question was running in my mind the entire ride there.
During previous appointments, my mother, who knew I was sexually active, would look at me and I’d cower out of pure shame. This time around it was a new doctor and I had no idea what to expect. Getting mentally prepared for my annual checkup as I get the normal routine tests and checks done by the nurse, I could feel my palms sweating.
Finally, the doctor walks in and begins to ask me about myself, already off to a different start. Then we get to the “are you sexually active?” question. I nod, “yes, but only with women.” The look on her face was surprisingly delightful. She then tells me in her culture they believe two souls happen to find one another among the flesh we are given but the gender does not weigh as heavy like in American culture. The base of their acceptance is love, not judgement or ridicule. This was the first time in my life a stranger made me feel comfortable with being who I am but also the first time I realized I never truly felt accepted until that moment. I found another wound that needed to be patched.
Since this experience roughly 10 years ago, I am still processing those wounds. My current partner made it clear that “healing can never come to a point of being healed, because it is an endless journey.” Your wounds may not leak or smell but they are there to help us understand the world around us a little better. To extend compassion in the most trying times. I have been trying the last few months to implement a self-care routine to assist in the healing process. I’ve also learned advocating for myself has granted me the ability to navigate my feelings and not feel muted. Many of us within the community I’m sure have felt or currently feel small in a world we sometimes feel was not made for us in mind. The hatred and bigotry whether directly or indirectly perpetuate this feeling of unworthiness or feeling small. I found once you enter a place of healing it’s more powerful than forgiveness and has everything to do with love and care for one’s mind.
The phrase “the journey is not linear” is something to also keep in mind. There will be days where we feel less than incredible but even a sip of water can be treated as a victory. The most important thing to keep in mind is not holding any expectations of self. Similar to working out, you won’t see the results immediately but they will rise to the surface as time passes.
As we grow through life none of us anticipate finding wounds while we are trying to heal the ones we held on to for so long. We often walk around wondering when will we wake up and witness the healing we work toward in our own ways. It could be writing, exercise, drawing/painting, going to the middle of a forest and screaming, screaming into a pillow, really anything that can take a little bit of weight off our shoulders. Healing our minds, bodies and spirits will give space for everything else in our life to experience healing as well. This will look different for everyone, it could be as small as no longer shaking your leg when you are in a stressful situation, placing boundaries around family or friends that did not have any before or deciding to prioritize your wellbeing above the interest of others.
Looking back to that doctor appointment, I am reinvigorated with gratefulness. I was able to experience something that not many people get to. Especially being a masculine presenting lesbian woman, I could have been dismissed but she had a level of humanity that can never truly be measured. I felt a sense of acceptance from the world. I carry this offering in my heart graciously and aim to carry it on to others.
In general, healthcare workers are the backbone to our society. And now more than ever it is being recognized but it has always been deserved. They care for the sick and elderly, help us live longer and prepare us for the opposite end of it all.
Almost 10 years have passed since this interaction and I never saw her again but I trust this memory will stick to my journey forever. This doctor gave me the ability to breathe a little softer and feel a little lighter by simply caring. If you all take anything from this, please let it be that love is the ingredient needed to heal our communities, to love ourselves more, to breath deeper, to live fully. Thank you.
