There’s a phrase I have returned to for solace many times in my life since first reading Margaret Atwood’s iconic “The Handmaid’s Tale” over 20 years ago. “Nolite te bastardes carborundorum.”
It is sort of an imitation of Latin, which roughly means, “Don’t let the bastards grind you down.” In the novel, as well as the TV series, this phrase gives the protagonist, Offred, the courage to fight against the oppression that threatens to break her.
Here we are, at the start of the holiday season. And while we’re not literally living “The Handmaid’s Tale,” life can feel a bit oppressive. As a pastor, people might expect me to share some kind of joy-inspired message of how fantastic this season is for us all — or maybe I am supposed to say something cliché about the “reason for the season” — but we have enough platitudes at this time of year. Instead, I want to offer you real advice for the holidays: “Nolite te bastardes carborundorum.”
Because I’m clergy, I’ll offer a biblical example as well. One of the many times that Jesus is saying not to be a judgmental jerk (I’m paraphrasing here, from Matthew 7), he goes on to say not to throw pearls to the pigs, because the pigs will stomp on the pearls and then turn and attack you. Why would you throw pearls at pigs? Let’s not get caught up in the details — the point is that sometimes what we hold sacred can be torn apart by others.
As a faith leader, my best advice in the holiday season is to not let yourself be torn down or trampled on. It seems like the holidays are always a hard time to maintain a sense of balance. Our schedules change, our eating patterns change, we are under intense pressure to spend money and show up at things. For many people, the holidays also require spending time with the people whose world views and values are different from their own.
In an ideal world, we would all comfortably get along with people with different political, religious and even ethical beliefs. But we live in the real world, not some idealistic utopia. I certainly do encourage everyone to keep an open heart toward those who might hold different views than you. But there’s a limit to what we can be reasonably expected to accept or tolerate.
If you find that participation in holiday events with your family, or even with your place of work, is harmful to your sense of self, then I encourage you to bail on the event. This is the advice I give every year at the holidays. If you can celebrate holiday festivities, and even endure some discomfort, but still be okay, then absolutely you should go. But if it threatens to break you, if it endangers your sense of wellbeing, if it makes you feel wounded beyond repair, you do not have to participate.
To be clear, I am not saying that we should all avoid conflict. I am advocating for self-preservation. As members of the LGBTQ+ community, we are all familiar with the discrimination that we are forced to face, all year long. We must each establish our own threshold of what we can tolerate.
If holiday gatherings mean you must avoid speaking of your beloved by name or that you have to endure being misgendered, these are unreasonable expectations. If showing up at a family function means that you are going to be lectured with bad theology or bashed with political viewpoints that invalidate your sense of self, you deserve better.
If the particular brand of vile homophobia or transphobia you have to face this holiday season is rooted in Christianity, feel free to let them know that Jesus doesn’t want you to throw your pearls to the pigs, then excuse yourself from the conversation.
If you can show up and help others with your presence, go for it! If you can maintain a sense of calm and balance, then you absolutely should participate in holiday functions. I have many people in my life who I love and do not agree with, it can be awkward, but it is possible to maintain these connections. Some things are reasonable to disagree about, and some relationships are worth it. Afterall, life would be boring if we were all the same. More power to you if you can make it work. But if you can’t, please allow yourself to be okay with that.
Sometimes we must forgive ourselves for not turning out the way our families or friends expected. We can celebrate the wonderful, creative, loving and different people that we are and allow space for the complicated feelings that come when we acknowledge that we might be different than the people and places we came from. During the holidays, these differences are even more obvious.
As we journey through the holidays, I encourage you to be like Offred, “nolite te bastardes carborundorum.” Or perhaps heed the words of Jesus (even if Jesus isn’t typically your thing) and resist throwing your pearls to the pigs.
Remember that the stress of the holidays and the added pressures of family and social functions can’t take away what you know to be true about yourself. You are worthy of love, your identity is valid and you are stronger and more powerful than you know. Happy holidays! Don’t let the bastards grind you down.
Rev. Jakob Hero-Shaw is the senior pastor of the Metropolitan Community Church of Tampa, MCCTampa.com. He and his husband are the proud fathers of two wonderful children.
