My parents instilled a core value in me at an early age. They both told me that actions speak louder than words and that we should always live our lives as an example to other people.
As a kid, of course, that meant making friends on the playground, standing up to bullies and showing respect to elders, particularly teachers and the parents of my friends. As an adult, I always try to be kind and warm to whomever I meet and stand up for what I see as right.
Do I always succeed? Of course not. But I was reminded recently that someone is always watching – whether from across the room or from a screen somewhere across the country. In this case, it was an extremely positive and humbling experience.
First, some context. I came out to my immediate family when I was 22 years old. It was a difficult experience and to this day it remains a subject to be avoided. I rarely visit the Midwestern town where I was born and telephone conversations typically stay high-level and focused on work, family updates and the Florida weather.
So, you can imagine my surprise when I received a Facebook message from someone with a familiar name but an unfamiliar face. It was from a relative of mine who I last saw nearly 20 years ago – when they were still too young to even walk or talk.
The message surprised me not only because of who it was from, but because of what they had to say. This relative said that they knew about my coming out story and that they had used my journey to help themselves navigate the coming out process with their own immediate family. Yes, there is another rainbow flag-waving member of my family coming to terms with their sexuality!
While celebrating that I finally was not the only rainbow sheep in the family, I realized that this crazy journey I’ve been on for nearly 45 years isn’t simply all about me after all. What my parents told me when I was young holds true – people are watching us and may use us as example in their own lives.
As Jack MacFarland says in a now classic episode of “Will & Grace,” I felt like I was able to “gay it forward.” I immediately responded to the message and found myself deep into mentor/mentee territory with this relative, reading questions, offering advice and asking a few questions of my own.
A week or two later, as fate would have it, a shared relative passed away and I was on my way back to the Midwest for the funeral. Lo and behold, this newly out relative was there as well and we had a chance to bond, reconnect as adults and show a very small form of solidarity – me being the elder, “experienced” gay and them being newly out and at the beginning of a very exciting journey.
We talked for more than an hour at the viewing and following the burial of our shared relative, I had a surprise message relayed to me from my newly out relative’s mother, who hugged me in the parking lot.
She thanked me for talking to her child about the coming out process and apologized for any difficulties I had experience in my youth as a young gay man. Sure, she was not a part of my coming out story, but she said she was aware of the difficult parts of my journey and regretted not stepping in and offering advice or assistance.
Those words meant a lot to me and the lingering hug from her felt absolutely amazing, especially since I was standing within just a few feet of the relatives who never fully embraced my gayness. Here was someone who loved and appreciated me – all of me.
That’s exactly what I hope my young relative and all of those out in the world who are navigating the coming out process with their families experiences. We’ve come a long way in the world of acceptance. I see supportive parents at Pride events and on social media pages. But while our world is still gaining some traction in this area, there are a lot of young LGBTQ youth who still need support.
I have been out of the LGBTQ activism world for a while now, but this whole experience reminded me that whether we are at an event, in the voters’ booth or just simply living our lives, what we do matters and there are people watching us every step of the way.
My life has been anything but perfect up to this point and I’ve certainly had my fair share of stumbles. But I feel fortunate that the parts of my life my young relative did notice were the positive ones and that they could provide some sort of guidance for another person’s journey. It was a very real reminder that we should all continue living our authentic lives and living as positively as we can. Who knows who else may be silently watching?
