Dear Truth,
I’m dating this great guy from Sarasota, Mark, and we’ve been together for about two years. Mark is smart, funny and generous, and I really want to take our relationship to the next level. The problem is that I am not an American citizen and I am here on a work visa. I have applied for my green card but I don’t know when (or if) I’ll receive it. There’s another catch: I have a wife in my home country (it was an arranged marriage). Neither of us loves the other, but I had to marry her and prove I was “straight” or risk losing my family, my job and possibly my life. She wants to come to the U.S. too, but I know that I want to be with Mark. What should I do?
—Middle East Meets West
Dear Bollywood,
By no means is the Truth an expert in immigration law, but let’s give it a shot. I understand that cultural differences are nothing to be judgmental about and an arranged marriage is a centuries-old custom for many cultures.
However, if you don’t love one another, it’s time to undo that union. If she wants to come to the U.S. and you wouldn’t mind that, it would be okay to use the “arranged” nature of your marriage to her advantage. After the necessary time, the two of you shake hands and go on your way. As for whether or not you can stay, if you truly believe your status as an out gay man would risk your life in your home country, why not apply for political asylum?
Governments in a number of backward countries have recently re-criminalized homosexuality with some pretty strong penalties, up to and including death. It might be the perfect climate to make your case that having to move home to your country of origin will put you in grave danger. Here comes the Truth, baby: if you want to hold on to your life here, which clearly you do, you’re going to have to be creative and diligent. Best of luck.
Dear Truth,
I am a decent looking, single, gay guy in my early 30s with a steady job and good friends. I would say that I’m a pretty normal gay man, but I think my gaydar is broken. I go out about once a week to meet guys, either to the bars or other gay gatherings (i.e. softball, meetings, parties) but I can’t tell when other guys are cruising or even hitting on me. My friends are constantly telling me, “That guy was so into you!” but I never see it. The only time it’s obvious to me is when the guy is drunk and won’t leave me alone. Drunks are a real turn off, so I don’t even engage them. Of course, that means I go home alone. I know there’s a good guy out there looking for someone like me, but how will I know it if I see it?
—Blind to Romance
Dear Helen Keller,
I struggled all through high school French. I could memorize the words but it just never clicked for me. Then one day, I looked at the board and suddenly everything made sense. It was as if someone turned on the lights in the room. The same can be said for some people’s ability to flirt. Your problem, I believe, is a quite common one. All of us have had that moment when we’ve heard that someone was attracted to us and we had no idea. Typically, it comes from a place of humility (if not insecurity). That’s a good thing, and I’m with you on the pawing drunks. That’s not cute for anyone.
But here’s an idea: instead of waiting to see who is attracted to you, why not make your feelings known to those you’re attracted to? You know, maybe you should wear the big boy pants sometime. That way at least if you get rejected, you won’t be left with questions. I think that by opening up the flirting dialogue to a bi-directional one, you’ll increase your flirting fluency, and you will begin to recognize in others the flirting you’re doing. Certainly more conversations will be revealed to you.
