What if you recorded your coming out? Not just the dramatic moments where you tell your parents, friends and co-workers. Not just the joyful release, affirmation and empowering freedom that results.
But the rest of it, too.
The hiding and the lies. The damage done to your relationships by your duplicity. The fear, self-loathing and sleepless nights as you wondered how much more psychic pain you could endure, and whether you'd ever muster the courage to accept the consequences of an honest life. And in some cases, the disappointing rejection of loved ones.
That kind of brutally honest record is accomplished in a miracle of a film, the award-winning documentary, Wish Me Away. It's country music star Chely Wright's coming out story. And it's a riveting, inspiring, must-see film for any member of the LGBT community.
Wright acknowledges that coming out is a complex and multilayered process for each one of us.
â┚¬Å”It's just as difficult, and just as important, for a teacher or school bus driver,â┚¬Â Wright says.
But the strikingly beautiful Wright, now 41, did it in the May 3, 2010 issue of People magazine, on The Today Show, Ellen and Oprah, and in the Nashville-centered world of country music where the rejection of fans and peers was virtually assured.
And throughout, Wish Me Away never blinks. Filmed over three years by Bobbie Birleffi and Beverly Kopf and released in late 2011, the award-winning documentary makes full use of difficult-to-watch video diaries Wright began recording years prior as she struggled with the end of a 12-year relationship and a resulting breakdown. Using interviews with Wright, her family, her pastor, and key players in Nashville, the film shifts deftly between Wright's celebrity and her deeply moving personal journey.
Since coming out, Wright has talked openly about her disappointment over lost fans, withdrawn career opportunities, and a lack of support from high profile peers in country music. She also found love and married activist Lauren Blitzer last year.
Wright will be in Orlando on Wednesday, Oct. 3 for a screening of Wish Me Away as part of Come Out With Pride's Out in the Open Film Festival. She'll talk about the movie and her life afterward. I spoke with Wright by telephone last week. In a warm, generous interview, Wright asked questions about my coming out. I can't wait to meet her.
WATERMARK: So before we begin, Chely, I have to tell you that I just had a female couple in my office to do some legal work. When I told them I was about to interview you they absolutely lit up. They're bringing all their friends to the screening on Oct. 3. And they're reaction got me thinking… you have a big, important, meaningful life. Does it feel that way to you?
CHELY WRIGHT: That's incredible to hear. Thank you for sharing that with me. And I don't think I've ever been asked that question in that way, so thank you for that.
I do understand the gravity of the opportunity I've been given. And I have to say that even though there was a lot of luck involvedâ┚¬â€Âthere are a lot of people who move to Nashville with far more talent than meâ┚¬â€ÂI got to where I am today because of decisions that I've made. I've had to participate in my life to be in this position, to gain this platform. I had to pull my big girl pants up.
I read letters that are sent to me from all over the world, and I never stop marveling at the impact that a person standing up can make. I consider myself enormously lucky.
As difficult as coming out and being gay can sometimes be, if you rise to the challenge it's a real giftâ┚¬Â¦ a real growth opportunity for yourself and your family.
It's markedly different being really out as opposed to being just kind of out. One of my goals every day is to be very, very gentle with those who are not out, or not all the way out. I try to go back and remember what it's like to feel afraid and to be so worried about consequences.
But part of me wants to shake them by the shoulders and tell them, â┚¬Å”You will not believe how different it is when you're totally out… when you let the fear go.
And you're right, Tom… it's an incredible growth opportunity for your family. My nephew, Matt, delivers the most poignant interview in the film. He says, â┚¬Å”I'll admit that before I knew Aunt Chely was gay I made gay jokes, I talked bad about gay people.â┚¬Â Then he pauses and says, â┚¬Å”I regret that I did that.â┚¬ÂÂ
So my nephew has been unburdened from a limited mindset that is very common in some communities. He now gets to move on and not spend his time and his energy trying to decide whether to tell a gay joke or beat up a gay kid. He no longer has to experience the negative consequences of that kind of behavior. He's been freed from that.
Advocating for LGBT people is not just for LGBT people. It's for straight people, too.
How did your mother react when you told her?
It's not a particularly funny or nice story, but it's a big part of my story. It's a huge element of my film and my book (Wright's autobiography, Like Me, was published in 2010).
I didn't come out to my mother before I came out publicly because I suspected it wouldn't go well. About 10 days after that she called me on the phone. We had a pretty intense, difficult conversation, and we haven't talked since.
It's a narrative that the filmmakers captured that I really didn't want them to capture. They went and talked to my mother. It's pretty tough stuff, but it's important for people to understand that my coming out experience hasn't been all roses and sunshine. It was good in a lot of ways; I have a great dad, and a wonderful aunt and a wonderful brother and sister.
Some people say, â┚¬Å”I could never come out because it would kill my mom or my dad.â┚¬Â It's important for me to be able to speak to them as a peerâ┚¬Â¦ to be able to say that â┚¬ËœI get it.' It may look like everything worked perfectly for me, but it didn't. It didn't.
When you appeared on Ellen right after you came out, you told her that you felt â┚¬Å”two weeks old.â┚¬Â How do you feel now?
I feel settled into my freedom.
I had a lot of fear, and over time I developed a skill set unknown to people who are free. I hid almost everything that was personal. When we were on tour and I'd get on the bus and my band would ask me, â┚¬Å”What did you do this weekend?â┚¬Â I'd just say, â┚¬Å”Not much.â┚¬Â When actually I'd done a lot! Not gay stuff, but everything. It's not like I'd been kissing girls all weekend, but I had a life. I'd done a lot.
I had a practice of detaching… of hiding my life from people. Even now, when people ask me, â┚¬Å”What did you do this weekend?â┚¬Â I still find myself saying, â┚¬Å”Oh, not much.â┚¬Â These are deeply ingrained habits. When it takes years and years to hone the craft of hiding, it takes years to unlearn that behavior.
Before I came out, I was afraid of being exposed by someone, anyone, that didn't like me so I became a real pleaser. Was your experience similar?
My friend, Kristin Chenoweth, and I were just talking about this!
In my heart, I'm a nice person. I got the award in school for being friendly to everybody. But the hiding caused me to be nice to people that didn't really deserve it. There were people who were repeatedly unkind to me. I was nice to them because I didn't want anyone to take out a rumor hit. I didn't want an enemy. I know the damage that an enemy can do to you. I took a lot of crap that I shouldn't have taken.
I'll give you an example that I write about in my book. I had an employee that stole money from me. She was dishonest about it when confronted, and I allowed it. I figured she might suspect that I'm gay, and if she told other people they would assume it's true.
Think of all the time we spent in our heads worrying about stuff like that. Imagine all the fretting and emotional energy we spent on those people who did that to us. I know that for me it was enormous.
Performing is about connecting with an audience. Is that easier for you now?
Onstage, no. Off-stage though, vast difference. I now warm up to people in an instant. Before I came out I was known as an artist who was warm, and who connected well with my fans. I had a great fan club. But I knew I was holding back.
On-stage, I'm the one with the microphone, so it would be difficult for someone to make me feel uncomfortable. I guess it has something to do with control. I'm doing the talking, I'm doing the singing. I always felt total comfort onstage, and I still do.
People magazine named you on of its â┚¬Å”Most Beautiful People.â┚¬Â I'm curiousâ┚¬Â¦ has coming out changed the way you look, or the way you view your appearance?
I feel the same. I love dressing up. I love hair and makeup. I love dresses and high heels. I never felt like I covered up or betrayed myself in any way. That being said, when I'm not working I'm in cargo pants and a t-shirt with my hair up in a pony tail.
Country music is good at telling stories. The song â┚¬Å”Your Shirtâ┚¬Â (2005: The Metropolitan Hotel) tells the story of someone who uses a torn shirt to feel close to a departed lover. It came out before Brokeback Mountain, but I wonder if you thought of your song when you watched that heartbreaking â┚¬Ëœshirt scene' toward the end of that movie.
I write most of my songs. I didn't write â┚¬Å”Your Shirt,â┚¬Â but I loved it, and I sang it as though I'd written it. In fact, when I recorded it I was thinking about my partner of 12 years and her sweatshirt.
I've never told anyone this, but I saw Brokeback Mountain the day it came out. I was in a brief relationship after leaving my former partner. I wanted to see the film and she wouldn't go with me because she was afraid of being seen at a â┚¬Ëœgay movie.' So I went by myself. After the film was over I drove over to where she lived and said, â┚¬Å”I can't do this.â┚¬Â And that was the beginning of my breakdown.
Brokeback Mountain had a devastatingly inspirational impact on me. I saw myself in the characters. I saw myself ending up unhappy, alone, and dying without anyone knowing who I am or what I feel. It was a major, major pivotal moment for me. I think it was for a lot of people.
Do you think you'll ever write songs that deal specifically with same-sex relationships?
Artistically, I try never to point a compass anywhere. You just have to do what comes to you. Someone tweeted me the other day and said, â┚¬Å”I can't listen to Chely Wright's old music because it's so straight.â┚¬Â Another fan responded by saying she'd charted all my songs and only something like 17 out of more than 100 mention my being with a man. That was shocking to me, and for country music that's certainly unusual. Maybe I subconsciously avoided that because it felt like I was committing a crime against myself. You'd be surprised how much of a story you can tell without details. It's really about feelings.
I guess my fantasy is that you'd write a very specific â┚¬Å”Ode to Billy Joeâ┚¬ÂÂ-type song about some of you rich experiences, like the ones portrayed in Wish Me Away.
Well, I did write a song called â┚¬Å”Damn Liar.â┚¬Â [Laughs] And the film shows how I held back sharing â┚¬Å”Like Meâ┚¬Â with my producer, Rodney Crowell, because I hadn't told him I'm gay yet and it's clear in that song that I'm talking about a woman I'd loved. That's why we held my last album, Lifted Off the Ground, until I came out. I guess â┚¬Å”Like Meâ┚¬Â is my pro-gay anthem.
You made the decision to come out in 2007, but you didn't actually come out publicly until 2010. What was that three years like?
Things got much easier for me the day I decided to come out. I knew I was no longer going to be held hostage by anyone. I cleaned houseâ┚¬Â¦ and went maybe a year and a half with no managers. I moved to New York and worked on my book. I figured I'd get that out of the way and then start rebuilding my team.
I'll tell youâ┚¬Â¦ you think hiding the fact that you're gay for 35 years is something, try hiding the fact that you're about to come out. That's a big secret.
Did you ever vacillate? Ever change your mind and say, â┚¬ËœI can't do this?'
Not onceâ┚¬Â¦ and I'll tell you why. There was a night when I put a gun into my mouthâ┚¬â€Âit's in the bookâ┚¬â€Âand after I put the gun down I went upstairs and slept for a few hours. The next morning I was afraid to go back downstairs because I wasn't sure what I'd do. I got on my knees and I finally, truly, surrenderedâ┚¬Â¦ with a capital â┚¬Å”S.â┚¬ÂÂ
Up until then I had lost my spiritual compass. On some level I always knew I needed to come out, but I would say, â┚¬Å”You don't understand Nashville, God.â┚¬Â When I got on my knees that day I gave up. I quit trying to talk myself out of what I knew I needed to do, and what God was telling me I needed to do.
At that very moment, things got markedly easier for me.
What was it like leading up to the public coming?
At one time we counted up how many people were involved in the logistics leading up to my coming out. It was a big machineâ┚¬Â¦ something like 40 to 50 people. We're talking my management team, record publicists, book publicists, hair and makeup peopleâ┚¬Â¦
When it happened there was some cynicismâ┚¬Â¦ especially in Nashville. Some people said it was staged just to sell the book. They'll never understandâ┚¬â€Âand they'll never take the time to understandâ┚¬â€Âthe difference between what I experienced and a publicity stunt. Coming out is not exactly a great way to further your career in Nashville.
Those people don't see the good; they don't consider that it might help some young person in their town. One of the most gratifying things is that I now have parents who write and tell me that after reading my book they now understand their son or daughter better. If I can in any way close the gap in the understanding between a parent and child, or between siblings, how wonderful is that?
Ellen Degeneres paid a price for coming out initially, but then eventually found a way to a different kind of success. Do you think that will be the same for you?
After I was on her show Ellen spent a lot of time with me privately. She explained what the fallout was for her. She said, â┚¬Å”Be preparedâ┚¬Â¦ its coming. You're on a high right now because you just came out, but be prepared because you're probably going to crash and be depressed. And your opportunities as a country artist will dry up. But lean on the people closest to you and it will get better.â┚¬Â She, and Rosie, prepared me pretty well.
I have no regrets. I lost some fans. I knew it was coming. If people think I didn't have a plan for my life, then they don't know me.
Some look in from the outside and say, â┚¬ËœAll she does is [advocate] now.' I get tweets that say, â┚¬Å”Get back to making music.â┚¬Â Well, I've been making records for 17 years. My greatest years in country music may be behind meâ┚¬Â¦ maybe not. I'm writing a new recordâ┚¬Â¦ when I'll make it I don't know. I'm also finishing a screenplay.
The possibilities became endless for me when I came out. I think my greatest accomplishments are ahead of me.
More Information
WHAT: Out in the Open Film Festival
WHERE: The Abbey, Downtown Orlando
FILMS: Love Free or Die (documentary about Episcopal Bishop Gene Robinson)â┚¬â€ÂRed Carpet 7 p.m., Q&A with director Macky Alton 8 p.m., movie 9 p.m; Cloudburst (staring Olympia Dukakis and Brenda Fricker)â┚¬â€ÂShorts by local directors 6:30 p.m., movie 8 p.m.; Wish Me Awayâ┚¬â€ÂRed Carpet 7 p.m., movie 8 p.m., Q&A with Chely Wright 10 p.m.
TICKETS: ComeOutWithPride.org
