I hate to bring this up friends. But, it looks like after Dec. 21 there will be no To-Maya. That means no more Starbucks, no more Honey Boo Boo and no more Grindr. Here are a few of my favorite party favors for an unforgettable end of the world soiree.
1.) Twinkies! Hoard them now. This classic snack cake was actually a recent victim of an ever-changing economy. Stock up on as many of them as you can and enjoy without guilt. I know I’ll miss ’em. It could be the last time any of us get any pleasure from a Twinkie.
2.) Create a survival bag with important items you can’t live without; the essentials like condoms, cologne and your Grey Gardens DVD. Let’s also hope that several of the items can be used as a weapon. Who knows if the coming apocalypse would cause a LGBT Hunger Games? Bears vs. Drag Queens, Otters vs. Lipstick Lesbians. May the odds be ever in your favor, darling. (I’m putting money on Tampa’s Amy DeMilo!)
3.) High calorie beer and sugary mixed drinks. Stop worrying about those six-pack abs and drink up! Maybe even put out a desert bar and chocolate fountain. No need to worry about how your jeans fit when there is no tomorrow.
4.) Maybe even find a machete or other blunt instrument in event of a zombie apocalypse. For once, you may actually have to beat them off with a stick at G Bar or the Parliament House. Can you imagine the dancers on the bar lurching toward you with a strange glint in their eyes, while they drag one leg behind them and moan in lust? Ok – bad example.
5.) Music! The Log Cabin Republicans may want to hear”Amazing Grace” or “I’ll Fly Away.” Set them “straight” with a few of my favorite apocalyptic hits. Favorites include: The Trammps’ “Disco Inferno,” REM’s “It’s The End of the World (As We Know it),” Prince’s “1999” and Creedence Clearwater Revival’s “Bad Moon Rising.”
6.) How about a decent pair of shoes? Throw out your Tom’s, pointy loafers, sandals and Converse All-Stars in favor of a pair of steel-toed combat or work boots. I’m sure plenty of you guys and gals have these in your closets. Start wearing them now. Head out into the woods, or even make a trip to Sawmill. Who knows? You just might find your significant otter.
7.) Lube! Sure, we all know that this amazing blend of Purified water, glycerin, propylene glycol, polyquaternium 15, methylparaben and propylparaben is a must-have! But if the end of the world is indeed at hand, we may need a tube of love goo to get us out of any number of post apocalyptic slippery situations.
8.) Rednecks! Head on over to Pasco County and make sure you can gather all the wonderfully colorful LGBT country folk you can find. These sweet and dentally challenged folks may not always be the first ones invited to the party, but they will be the first invitations I send out. By the way, Norman Reedus, who plays cross-bow efficient Daryl in The Walking Dead, is at the top of my guest list.
9.) P90X! It might be a good idea to have the option of a 90-day training program for those of us who avoid the gym like the plague. If there is a zombie outbreak, we just might need to make a run for it.
10.) A good attitude! Perhaps the best thing about a possible end of the world is that there will be zero time for shade and bitchery. The members of the community, who spend most of their time trying to judge everyone else, may just find themselves all alone in a brave new world. So, be sweet to each other and remember that when the final bell toils, we’re all in this together.
Matthew McGee is the Community Outreach Director at freeFall Theatre Company in St. Petersburg.
Read Watermark’s Guide to the End of the World!
