Finding love isn’t easy. Websites, phone apps and bars provide plenty of opportunities to find “the one.” But sometimes there seems to be too many fish in the sea. And too often, the ones we do catch we end up throwing back.
But that’s not always the case. Long-term couples exist in the LGBT world and now, with 70% of America’s population living in marriage equality states, couples are able to seal their love with the government’s blessing.
Newlyweds are everywhere now, thanks to Florida’s embrace of marriage equality Jan. 6. But how do long-term couples manage to make it work for so long? It’s the perfect question to ponder during Valentine’s Day. And it seems there isn’t just one simple answer.
The officer and the enlisted man
Sarasota locals may recognize Jim Jablonski and Bart Coyle through LGBT organizations such as ALSO Youth and A League of Our Own. But, as impressive as their community involvement is, even more so is their 45-year story of love, life and adventure.
Jim and Bart met in Philadelphia on Nov. 15, 1969. Jim, who had been stationed in California with the U.S. Army, had just relocated to the city for employment. Being new to town, he decided to check out the gay bar scene. Jim took his cab driver’s suggestion and stopped at the best gay bar in town where he met Bart, who was out celebrating his 22nd birthday.
“I was getting ready to go out with some friends,” Bart remembers. “My mom came up to me and said, ‘Tonight you’re going to meet the person you’ll spend the rest of your life with.’ And that was the night I met Jim.”
Jim and Bart moved into an apartment together for three years and then decided to buy a house after briefly separating. They lived in their Philadelphia home, where they spent most weekends hosting house parties with other couples.
“We didn’t really do the bar scene because that can be a distraction in a relationship,” Bart says.
The couple cared for Bart’s mother in their home for the last 13 years of her life. About a year after her death, Jim had the idea to drive up and down the Florida coast to see if they would be interested in living here.
“We stopped in Sarasota for a day or two, and the next thing I know, we’re dealing with a realtor,” Bart recalls. “I said, ‘Well, Jim, let’s make a list of the pros and cons here,’ and he said, ‘Yeah, OK, but sign these papers.’ So we bought a house, put our Philadelphia house up for sale, and here we are 15 years later.”
Jim is now a realtor with Michael Saunders & Co. in downtown Sarasota, and Bart is a personal trainer at Michael’s 40+ Fitness. Jim said he never officially came out to anyone in the workplace, but he and Bart hosted numerous parties with business associates at their home and always went together to company events.
“No one even thought twice about it,” Jim says. “We are lucky because a lot of people [in the gay community] didn’t have the breaks that we had.”
Bart agreed that their relationship was never problematic among society: “Growing up in Philadelphia, I was always out and never really had a problem with it, even when I was 17 and first came out. And you’re talking about a long time ago.”
Bart and Jim got married in Massachusetts in September 2013, shortly after the portion of the Defense of Marriage Act prohibiting same-sex couples from marrying was ruled unconstitutional. Jim said once gay marriage was recognized federally, it made sense for them to become a married couple. Although the two could not receive state benefits, they were able to take advantage of federal benefits. Now that Florida recognizes gay marriage, their benefits have expanded astoundingly.
“It’s, like, 2,000 benefits, and I don’t even know what they all are!” Bart says with a laugh.
Bart witnessed his first gay marriage when he went to the March On Washington in the 1970s.
“I said, ‘You’re kidding me! That [gay marriage] is never going to happen!” Bart says. He said ever since it started becoming legal in several states, the floodgates have opened.
“We never gave it a thought that we would ever be married,” Jim adds. “Never in my wildest dreams did I think we could ever be really, really married like my parents were. The way I always felt is that we have each other, so we didn’t need the marriage certificate. Now we have each other and all the benefits—it’s like Christmas!”
Jim and Bart cited routine as one of the key ingredients to keeping their relationship alive. On Saturdays, their favorite activity is going to Costco.
“I like to watch him shop,” Bart says of his husband. “He’s the shopper in the relationship.”
Aside from their different shopping styles, Bart said he and Jim are very different people. For instance, he considers himself more of an introvert and Jim as more of an extrovert. But balance and routine have worked in their favor.
“A lot of people are looking for perfection,” Bart said. “I know for a fact that I’m not perfect, yet he puts up with my flaws and he has one or two that I put up with (laughing). And that’s part of the game.”
“It’s worth it,” Jim agrees. “We never argue. We just don’t. If we do, I guarantee in a half hour, it’s forgotten.”
And Bart admits that sometimes he’ll give Jim the silent treatment.
“What really makes our relationship work well is that, because he was an officer and I was an enlisted man, I know how to fold towels and iron shirts,” Bart says jokingly.
Let’s not forget the final ingredient in their relationship: a great sense of humor.
The rainbow-riding grandmothers
To admire a lasting relationship is to admire fortitude, togetherness, and a pursuit of common goals. For Carrie and Elisia Ross-Stone, these are traits they have in spades, and they’ve lasted for more than two decades.
“We were friends for nine years before we got together,” says Carrie. “We actually met more than once at these musical festivals, like the Michigan Womyn’s Music Festival, when they were still really small and only a few hundred people were going to them.”
Elisa was living in Florida and Carrie would vacation in Tampa Bay. So the two crossed paths regularly.
Carrie explains that she and Elisia were always in relationships with other people, so the idea of testing the romantic waters didn’t enter either of their minds for years.
“Then one day I was standing in my friend’s front yard in Gulfport and she came walking out of her apartment, which she was renting from a friend of mine, and this time neither of us was in a relationship so we started hanging out together more,” says Carrie. “Six months later, it was New Year’s Eve 1999, we were walking on the beach and when midnight rolled around we kissed, and we immediately felt like there might be something there. There were definite fireworks.”
Little did they know on that New Year’s Eve on the beach, that they were about to do something that would bring national attention to not only their relationship, but to the nationwide fight for marriage equality.
“In 1996, Bill Clinton signed the Defense of Marriage Act,” recalls Carrie. “I was doing wills and trusts at that time, and talking to a lot of gay and lesbian individuals about these legal issues, and inevitably the conversation about ‘Why can’t we get married?’ and ‘Why shouldn’t we try to get married?’ would come up.”
The Defense of Marriage Act effectively disqualified same-sex couples from being officially recognized as spouses in regards to federal laws, which in turn excluded them from receiving federal marriage benefits.
“Some couples in Hawaii decided to put it to the test, because there weren’t any laws explicitly saying that gay and lesbian couples couldn’t apply for a marriage license,” says Carrie. “The Supreme Court in Hawaii was debating whether or not to grant them the license when Congress freaked out and Clinton then went ahead and signed the Defense of Marriage Act. It really annoyed me that a Democratic president that I voted for to get elected would do something like that.
“But what irked me even more was that when I talked to most gay and lesbian individuals about it, they weren’t even aware he had done it, it kind of went under the radar.”
In 2004, they planned and organized a bike ride unlike any other—they began in their hometown of Tampa and rode to California, and stopped in towns and cities along their route.
“I felt like [this ride] was our way of introducing ourselves to people in parts of the country that said ‘Oh we know what gay and lesbian people look like.’” says Carrie. “And what they claimed gay and lesbians looked like were just stereotypes being perpetuated by the media, showing how we looked at a Pride Parade, as though straight people don’t look like that at football games or Mardi Gras.”
It was dubbed The Rainbow Ride Across America, and Carrie and Elisia gained momentum in their journey for equality with each passing city they visited.
“We wanted to try to show people, ‘This is us, we’re just living our lives.’” Carrie says. “We would talk to people. We gave presentations in front of progressive groups and LGBT groups. Honestly, I think the best progress we made were the times we were eating in a restaurant, talking to the waitress and the nearby tables, or at a laundromat, or a gas station.
“We had the most heartfelt and insightful conversations a lot of times with people who were not on our side. Maybe they didn’t change their minds, but they at least understood why we were doing what we were doing.”
After the Rainbow Ride, they started RainbowLaw.com, which offers free and affordable legal documents to protect legal rights. They also built their own adobe house in West Virginia by hand and are proud grandmothers.
Carrie says their attitudes and views on life and love are what help sustain them.
“I think a lot of it is that we understand that not everything is perfect all the time. If you’re in a rough patch, you can understand that’s all that it is—a rough patch,” she says. “You keep your eye on the prize. We built a house together, we set this goal and at the end of it we’re proud of what we did. Riding our bicycles across the country, we had a goal and we accomplished it. Now we have these memories, and photographs, and it’s all like throwing a pebble in a pond and it creates a few ripples. You never know what kind of impact it ends up having. We’re committed to seeing things through until the end, and I think that’s also how we feel about our relationship.”
25 years engaged
On Jan. 26, 2015, Carol Friday and Susan Stanford of Central Florida were finally legally married. This came after a 25-year-long engagement.
“We had exchanged rings before, but it was just symbolic,” says Carol. “But now it’s for real. We were waiting for Florida to catch up with the rest of the country so we could be married at home.”
The two met through mutual friends two and a half decades ago at a bar called The Phoenix. They were not set up on a blind date and their mutual friends didn’t plan for the women to become an item.
“It wasn’t on purpose,” Susan recalls. “We just said hello and there was an instant connection.”
And the two had the perfect conversation starter: each of their first names is the other’s middle name.
Within a few months, Susan moved into Carol’s home—and both of their families have been supportive throughout their relationship.
“My family has always been accepting of Carol,” Susan says. “My dad still says she’s like another daughter.”
Now that the couple are married, they say things won’t really change—except for the large number of legal protections that come with the marriage certificate.
The two plan to continue living with the formula that has worked so well for them over 25 years, and the main ingredient is kindness.
“Just be kind,” Susan says. “Think about what your partner needs and wants and be very patient.”
Carol agrees, but reminds couples to stay vigilant in their kindness.
“Yes, do that day in and day out,” she says, “and throw in a back rub once in awhile.”
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