If there’s anything that we love about the public drawing and quartering of the Republican Party presidential bench during this frightful election cycle, it’s that there are tiers of candidates, that there is, indeed, a Varsity and a Junior Varsity contingent, and the lower down you get on the success scale, it doesn’t get any more absurd – it just stays absurd. Juniors are as good as seniors, a Santorum is as good as a blowjob and Lindsey Graham is still happening. Beyond the greenroom issues which made us fall out of our hot tub and into our home theater today, the real issue is whether any of the four folks being cut off constantly on CNBC in the not-ready-for-prime-time-let-me-try-to-get-a-word-in-edgewise. ”
We already have too many government mandates,” tiny man Bobby Jindal says. “FLAT TAX!” Oh, shut up. So, for now, we have Graham, George Pataki, Jindal and Santorum. Someone smells an orgy. No one smells a president. We’ll liveblog the serious ones (cough), later. For now, we’ll just waste our time and gawk.
6:50 p.m.: Becky Quick likes to keep it quick. CUT TO THE CHASE. Time is money, someone at CNBC said once.
6:52 p.m.: Jindal says that socialism is bad, mmmmkay?
6:53 p.m.: Pataki just had his Ziggy Stardust suicide moment on the issue of climate change.
6:55 p.m.: Santorum has perfect 20/20 vision. His “20/20” vision, however, involves something called being “revenue neutral.” And he just invoked Oikos yogurt.
6:58 p.m.: Graham is tugging heart strings about Social Security benefits and how they helped his family. Graham is a socialist.
7 p.m.: Jindal wants to sell higher education like a shiny car for rich people. The class system is alive and well.
7:05 p.m.: Jindal has BRICKLAYER! Pataki uses UBER AND TWEETS! Graham uses FOX NEWS.
7:08 p.m.: “The day that should be a national holiday” is the day after Obama is President. Also, a champion of the middle class. Lindsey’s closet is full of crocodile tears.
7:10 p.m.: Santorum is “bipartisan.” Oh wait, he’s just flexible.
7:12 p.m.: ROUND ONE IS OVER, APROPOS OF NOTHING.
8:02 p.m.: This whole preshow thing has been nauseating. The blond is drunk. REALLY DRUNK.
8:12 p.m.: “The field gathers” equals Donald Trump’s hair in a rhetorical windstorm.
8:13 p.m.: ENTITLEMENT. WE FORGOT ENTITLEMENT ON OUR REPUBLICAN DEBATE BINGO CARD. (ALSO, PLANNED PARENTHOOD).
8:15 p.m.: They’re heeeeeeeeeeeeere.
8:17 p.m.: Biggest weakness? Kacich doesn’t care about your question!!!! Deportations, tax schemes. HE’S MAD AS HELL AND HE CAN’T TAKE IT ANYMORE!!!
8:19 p.m.: Huckabee is going on and on about “playing by the rules.” Jeb Bush is “impatient.” Also, saying all the wrong things. Marco Rubio says that his weakness is his optimism. Terrible. Donald Trump “trusts too much and never forgives.”
8:21 p.m.: Ben Carson: “Reagan’s 11th commandment.” Yeah, that’s a thing.
8:22 p.m.: Fiorina’s hair. Cruz is living in opposite debate and says his strength and passion are his weaknesses.
8:22 p.m.: Socialist, isolationist, pessimist — Chris Christie. Also, “take it to the bank.” He’s frightening.
8:24 p.m.: Trump is a “comic show,” the questioner alleges. Trump blows up about it and then flies into the Great Wall of China immigration thing.
8:27 p.m.: DOES ANYONE UNDERSTAND BEN CARSON AT ALL? HE IS MAKING NO SENSE.
8:29 p.m.: Kasich is talking about chickens in pots and IMAGINATION!!!! He should probably stop with the pointy fingers and nonsense rambling “fantasy” stuff.
8:31 p.m.: Trump trump cards with a “fracking” jab at Kasich. Then a Lehman Brothers attack. And then the poll numbers. “You know what, you can have him.” Somebody will be in a ditch later tonight in New Jersey.
8:35 p.m.: Three pages. I think they were talking about tax reform, not tax forms, dear.
8:37 p.m.: Rubio is speaking tongues. Or, speaking in speeches. The whole hate his job thing has come back to bite him. Now he’s comparing himself to Bob Graham, John Kerry and Barack Obama. LAMESTREAM MEDIA DOUBLE STANDARD OMG.
8:40 p.m.: serious catfight between Jeb and Marco right now. THEY’RE FIGHTING OVER JOHN MCCAIN. It’s kind of like a Republican rap-off. “I’m not running against Gov. Bush.” The crowd is going wild. I’m dying.
8:42 p.m.: Fiorina is doing everything she can to dispell the truth that she killed HP.
8:46 p.m: Ted Cruz is going fucking insane. He’s also invoking Russian history. Annnnnd hating on the moderators.
8:49 p.m.: Did Rand Paul just advocate for people not really being government people when they are government people?
8:50 p.m.: Christie … well, just being Christie.
8:51 p.m.: Huckabee is making “mugging” comparisons and screaming a lot about morality.
8:53 p.m: I am almost the same age as Ted Cruz? This is so unfair.
8:55 p.m.: distracted by Patton Oswalt tweet on ticker. Hilarious. He is now Judy Garland.
9 p.m.: “Bankruptcy is a broken promise,” question lady Quick posits. “Everybody is bankrupt,” or something, says Trump.
9:02 p.m.: CRAMER IS HERE! WHY IS CRAMER HERE?
9:04 p.m.: What is this whole John Fogerty, warm kiss moment?
9:12 p.m.: Looks like Kasich might be sobering up a little, but maybe not enough to balance a budget.
9:14 p.m.: Can’t even with Ted Cruz. Now Fiorina is veering into calling out Hillary Clinton for being anti-woman via some economic puppetry that doesn’t exist. Who are these people?
9:16 p.m.: OMG BEN CARSON IS DOING THE GAY QUESTION AND P.C. CULTURE AND EVERYTHING ELSE THAT IS NOT AN ANSWER TO THE ORIGINAL QUESTION. He’s also surprisingly paranoid. And he’s also a spokesmodel for supplements. The crowd is eerily pro-Carson.
9:24 p.m.: Trump says “you people write this stuff,” and everyone hates the media out loud. Oh, and “you better get rid of the SuperPacs,” mostly because he paid for his own campaign out of pocket.
9:26 p.m.: “The Democrats have their own Super Pac: the mainstream media,” Marco Rubio says. IT IS ON.
9:28 p.m.: RAND PAUL FED STUFF INCOME INEQUALITY. IT’S THE GOVERNMENT’S FAULT.
9:34 p.m.: OOOOOH, Bush mentions Clinton and Sanders and then threatened financial apocalypse. Rubio, meanwhile, is talking about his funhouse mirror tax plan; also, going after reporter for looking up actual facts. He’s basically the world’s biggest brat tonight.
9:38 p.m.: NOW COMES THE WEED TALK!!! Kasich hates drugs. Kasich appears to be on something from Big Pharma, though.
9:46 p.m.: “Guns” just gave us our third Bingo at the Watermark Magical Catchphrase Bingo party.
9:47 p.m.: Trump wants GUNS ON RESORTS.
9:51 p.m.: So if you’re Carly Fiorina, you want to run the federal government while hating the federal government. This woman talks in holes.
9:54 p.m.: IT’S MAYHEM! Fantasy Sports and gambling!!!! Bush is 7-0 in his Fantasy Sports League. Insider trading correlation doesn’t make a lot of sense, but certainly, oh no, never should the government be involved in Fantasy Football. IT’S BILLIONS OF DOLLARS IN GAMBLING. In New Jersey, gambling’s not a problem. FAHGEDDABOUTIT.
9:59 p.m.: I’m confused as to whether Rand Paul wants me to have kids or not to have kids. I can’t have kids, though.
10:03 p.m.: We’re into closing statements, Scout.
10:06 p.m.: Kasich is STILL mad as hell!!! He will meet you out back for a drink when all this is over.
10:09 p.m.: Increase Medicare to even the blessings of aging, OK?
10:12 p.m.: Rand Paul: small government for small people.
10:13 p.m.: When Chris Christie is “deadly serious,” I am like Sopranos scared. Ted Cruz is a crazyperson. Carly Fiorina has at one time made “results.” We can’t qualify them. She’s “Hillary Clinton’s worst nightmare.” Oh, dear. Delusions! Fainting couches!
10:16 p.m.: So, Ben Carson is not worth talking about anymore because it doesn’t seem like sanity anymore. Now Donald Trump is being terrible and fighting about how he saved this debate by making it two hours. Moderators disagree. The crowd hates the media. Rubio, well, Rubio is talking about being an immigrant kid who hates immigrants. Jeb Bush just said “cynical… divider in chief.” Huckabee is blaming the media, too. He is an honest man trying to save us from the “charred remains” of our future. This is the worst television ever. Ever. Ever. Ever.
10:20 p.m.: OK, THIS IS OVER. I AM OUT. THANKS FOR PLAYING BINGO WITH US! WE ALL LOST AND WON AT THE SAME TIME! You can read some fact checking PBS here. Guess what! Everybody lied.
