If we were a bunch of Pagan Romans marking their end of year holiday celebrations, we’d wish each other a “Happy Saturnalia”, get drunk, smoke a bunch of weed and have a huge orgy.
Since I can’t possibly imagine any of you celebrating like that (OK, well maybe one or two of you) we are left with the specter of shlepping our gay appareled buns to dreaded holiday family gatherings.
Regardless of what holiday you are celebrating, this time of year can be incredibly stressful as we venture into the strange land of straight people, especially when they are family members.
I find that the most stressful thing for me is the culture shock. I have to remind myself that Springfield, Ohio, is about as different from my home here in Gulfport as Baghdad is to Washington, D.C. There won’t be any people walking a goat on a leash in Springfield: no lesbian drum circles on the beach; no LGBTQ Resource Center under a huge rainbow flag in the public library in Springfield. If someone talks about their “partner,” I have to remember they are probably talking about a business relationship. And if I want to walk up Main Street in Springfield holding my boyfriend’s hand – something that is so common in Gulfport and St. Petersburg it doesn’t even merit a second look – I’d better be ready to get a beat down.
For many of us a trip to the family homestead means we have to travel to the tundra. Remember when you are packing that you are in essence packing for a polar expedition. The last time I went to Ohio for the holidays it was a balmy 82 degrees when I got on the plane in Tampa. It was 4 degrees when I got off the plane in Columbus – 4 whole degrees. Do you remember what 4 degrees does? It freezes the snot in my nose and, as I’m breathing out of my mouth, the steam freezes on my face turning my mustache into a blond iceberg, which makes me look like a character out of Dr. Zhivago. Welcome home. Ho, Ho, Ho.
A word of advice to you shoe queens. Go out and buy yourself a stylish-but-warm set of hiking boots. They are they only footwear you’re going to need. Even if you have to get dressed up to go to church or temple, you’ll note that the ever-practical northerners you’ll be sitting with are wearing the same thing. You aren’t going to want to wear your Pradas in that slushy mess up there anyway. You’ll fit right in.
If you happen to be thinking of coming out of the closet to your entire family by dropping the news at a holiday dinner, I have one word to say to you: don’t. You don’t want an entire legion to pounce on you. Your only ally might be old spinster Aunt Ida, and her “family friend,” who she’s lived with for 30 years (wink wink). Do you really want to drop the G-bomb on the family right after Uncle Ernie has just spent the last 20 minutes extolling the virtues of Donald Trump, and why he’d be a great president?
On the other end of the spectrum we have a real change this year in that some of us will be traveling home with our newly legitimately and legally married spouses for the first time. This should be a joyous time, and for some families it will be. Others may have some challenges. What is your response going to be when your mother suggests that you and your “friend” will be sleeping in separate bedrooms? I would argue that this is where we make our stand. That kind of suggestion was insulting and demeaning when you might have been bringing your “boyfriend” or “partner” home, but married is married and that kind of nonsense shouldn’t be acceptable. You probably know your own family best, though. If you think there might be a problem, get a hotel room close by so that where people sleep becomes a non-issue.
I’d also suggest renting a car while you are there so you can escape. I always sneak away to “go visit a fraternity brother in Columbus” while I’m there. Springfield is about an hour from Columbus, which does have a pretty lively gay community and an amazing 42 gay bars. My fraternity brother is gay, too, and we have a blast catching up, plus I get an evening to recharge before I have to go back into the straight family soup.
If nothing else, you’re going to come back to the New Year with a greater appreciation of the subtropical paradise we live in and how wonderful it is to live in gay friendly cities like Sarasota, Gulfport, St. Petersburg, Tampa and Orlando. Happy trails friends and have a festive Saturnalia.
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