Listen, I am here to save you. We need to take back our country and make it great again. I don’t know who has taken it, or where they have taken it to, but it’s been taken somewhere by someone. When something is taken, we need someone to bring it back. Justin Timberlake brought sexy back, and I am convinced that Donald J. Trump can bring our country back. Come in closer and smelly my liquor whispers.
Why Trump? Donald Trump knows how hard it has been for us over the last eight years living under a Kenyan-born Muslim president. He knows how it is to make the hard decisions every day. What Ivy League schools should I send my children to? What car should I have the driver use today to take me to the spa? Who broke my blender? Life is tough.
On top of all of this, I have to wonder what President Obama is really doing for people like me. For instance, the other day my maid was telling me that her daughter was ill, and she couldn’t afford the medication. I told her that President Obama is the reason she cannot afford health care, because he is the reason for everything that gives me a headache. For someone who loves illegal immigrants so much, he sure doesn’t care about my maid. Donald Trump does, though. He is willing to pay to send her home to get the medications she needs. I am referring to my maid’s daughter, of course. I would never let the maid leave. Then who the hell would clean? Just send the kid the drugs and leave me alone.
What I’m trying to say – hold up, let me take a nip – is Obama has done nothing for any of us. He has made us more vulnerable as a country. Sure, gay people can get married in the military on the backs of pink unicorns now, but how does that make us safer? Every time a gay soldier gets married, a broken bell rings, a queer starts to wear wings (again) and the terrorists win. That’s a fact. Michele Bachmann told me so.
Before you accuse me of being homophobic, you are totally wrong about everything. You’re always wrong. I am a proud friend of LGBTCBY community. I think anyone should be allowed to love anyone they choose. I just don’t want to know about it. There is only one place where homosexual relationships should be discussed, and that is in a hair salon.KEEP IT IN THE HAIR SALON! I am very open-minded about things. My hairdresser is named Rafael. He’s gay and Mexican. I am the wall.
Speaking of hair salons, what I’m trying to say is that I want to bring more people to Donald Trump. You simply must support him in order for America to succeed. Donald Trump will protect us from Chinese terrorists. Obama won’t, and he hasn’t. He wants to take away our guns. I think he already took mine away, actually. I used to have two very nice semi-automatic handguns in my home, but I have no idea where they are now. I’m pretty sure Obama or Hillary snuck into my home and took them when I was in a blackout. Trump would not let that happen. Blackouts are sacred.
Sure, people like other Republican candidates. Maybe they like Ted Cruz. Um, he’s Canadian. American is apple pie, not poutine. There are people who like Marco Rubio. Yeah, he’s a spicy little piece of ass with an awkward hairline, but he won’t protect us like Donald Trump. Ben Carson is a nice guy, I’m sure, but you shouldn’t vote for someone just because they are black. Liberals did that the last two elections, and look at the mess we are in now. Carly Fiorina seems like a nice man, but his track record of business at Hewlett Packard is a disaster. I would never vote for Chris Christie; he’s fat. Jeb Bush would probably be my second choice, even though Trump tells me that I shouldn’t like him. If you think about it, America is really is on life support right now. If there is anyone out there that won’t let Hillary or Obama pull the plug on her that would be JEB! Oh, Terri. I never knew you.
But I digress. I am reaching out to you, the LGBQTCBYAV community, in hopes that you will join me in supporting Donald Trump for President.
I know you want lower taxes so you can have more money to spend on clothing for your pets, tank tops and gay foam parties. I look forward to speaking with you more and more over the next few months to bring you to the Trump table. Frankly, I don’t care whom you vote for as long as you make Florida a red state again. I want it to be as red as a sunburnt British tourist eating a cherry popsicle. Also, I look good in a red dress. I am meeting next with a group called the Log Cabin Republicans. I’m not sure what they do (construction?), but I think it has something to do with pancake syrup. I wouldn’t know. I don’t eat carbs. I am looking forward to having a glass of Chardonnay with their wives.I think that is enough for now, I have nothing else to say. Plus, this bottle of gin is empty. Goodnight and God bless American.
Poor Rich White Lady is a personal imaginary friend of Orlando comedian and satirist Jeff Jones. She drinks a bit.
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