If you were to select five words that have been around you for the past year and a half, which ones come to mind? Pandemic, vaccines, masks, Dr. Fauci and probably distancing. It is interesting how many interpretations this last word has depending on the context.
There is no denying that this pandemic has left us depleted, tired and somewhat isolated. For some however, distancing themselves from people they didn’t want in their lives anymore resulted in a silver lining, yielding an opportunity to set what has been another buzzword I have heard many times recently: boundaries.
Of the many buzzwords we have heard during this pandemonium era most can relate with boundaries because, at least from the perspective of this global health crisis, boundaries look like the panacea for justifying and reclaiming space. For others though, boundaries can still feel like a foreign concept.
As someone who is a fan of boundaries — whether emotional, professional, political or romantic — I believe in the power of establishing your space and communicating to others what they can and cannot do. Those unfamiliar with them may feel rejected but those who understand the message will inevitably stand back and allow the space to be respected. I applaud those who are cognizant of the need for those social lines.
We can read and write paper after paper about the psychology of boundaries but for the purpose of this column, where we always try to lift up LGBTQ voices, I would like to invite the readers to reflect upon the trend — especially among our familial circles — to use psychological boundaries to push us aside, thus avoiding having any contact or conversations about who we are and what we represent. Clearly marked spaces between individuals, when properly executed, can promote advantageous results for both parties, encourage friendly conversations and sustain the ever-desired cordiality amongst family and friends. But what happens when individuals hide themselves behind barriers to make us invisible? Isn’t that a way to psychologically weaponize boundaries?
I recently read a description put forth by Elizabeth Earnshaw, licensed marriage and family therapist, in which she described boundaries not as a way to keep people out but rather they are meant to make it easier for people to get close. The behavioral science behind boundaries does not represent a complete disregard for anyone’s responsibility. Whether it is in a relationship, workplace or family circle, we all play a pivotal role in establishing and maintaining a civilized society.
In various conversations with individuals in situations where their LGBTQ families are excluded from social or family events, they mention those unwilling to deal with the subject to implore the use of boundaries to protect themselves. As a mental health ally, it is important that you consult with a professional to not only understand the dynamics of boundaries but how to implement them and carry them successfully.
One of the conversations I had, which exemplified boundaries being weaponized, was with this acquaintance of mine whose same-sex partner’s mother refuses to have family gatherings where they are both present. The partner who is not directly related to the family is constantly in touch with their partner’s sisters, who seem to claim their support and allyship, but what baffles the acquaintance’s mind is how silent they remain whenever the matriarch stands on her two feet and shuns any idea of the entire family coming together. For this person, who is a lauded health professional, being LGBTQ seems to be the only aspect of their life that matters to others. Not their work, kind nature, professionalism or how much they love each other. This immediately brings to my mind the topic of how internalized homophobia is still so strong in many individuals — not excluding LGBTQ — but even more hurtful among those calling themselves “allies”; but that is a topic for another time.
There are many variants of this scenario in other family circles and social spaces, but what keeps my brain questioning is how does a matriarch or patriarch get so emboldened to create such a caustic environment for an entire family?
In conversations with friends and in my personal experiences, I have found there are two players that are certain in dynamics like these: emotional manipulators/abusers and the enablers. One feeds on the other until there is nothing else left on the table. Interestingly, while in some cases there is more than one member of the familial circle against the LGBTQ individual being present, most of the time it is only one individual and a bunch of enablers around who have fallen powerless and remain silent. That right there is the real emotional abuse: feeding on the powerless, enabling behavior of those who have probably struggled as well with various other patterns of abuse. Some feel so powerless that they use boundaries to never speak of the subject ever again, and like Father Desmond Tutu once said, “If you remain neutral in situations of injustice, you have chosen the side of the oppressor.”
Injustices can happen closer than you think; they may silently be happening in your workplace or within your friends and family circles, and we must not stand silent. Those who rescind their power to others still have a voice, and it is up to us to speak up, denounce what is not right, say what is acceptable and what can be changed, even within our own boundaries. That power never subsides.
