“We don’t talk about Bruno… no, no, no” has been playing in my house every day since it was released on streaming. My children have fallen in love with the endearing characters, the enchanting music and the colorful cinematography. Each kid anticipates their favorite part and bursts out into song on cue. It’s an orchestrated, theatrical experience which unfolds in our living room almost daily.
As a great film should, “Encanto” has sparked in-depth conversations in our household. Full of curiosity, my kiddos ask about family structures. We discuss the significance of the representation of Latino characters and their various shades of skin color and hair texture. Being in a multiracial, multiethnic and bilingual family who speak Spanglish, my kids can relate to the characters and can see themselves reflected on the screen. Other times, we explore their family dynamics, multigenerational trauma and why they don’t talk about Bruno.
Interestingly, our kiddos often ask my wife and I to share about us. When did we start dating? What was our wedding like? But their interest mostly focuses on how and why we started a family, and why was it so difficult?
Like a bedtime story, my wife and I take turns recollecting our love story. We chuckle and poke fun about how my wife asked me to see the indie film “Motorcycle Diaries” and I hesitantly said yes. Making reference to lesbian stereotypes, we joke that our U-Haul must have broken down because we dated several years before we thought about marriage. Clearly, this reference is over their heads but still amusing to us. I tell them about the injustices and our fight for marriage equality. For us, we loved each other so much that being legally recognized as a married couple was a priority. We laugh at “old” pictures of our two weddings — our more youthful look, our outdated hair and my big dress. Both kiddos get a kick out of seeing us before we were “momma” and “mami.”
Like so many same-sex couples before 2016, we embarked on the pilgrimage to Massachusetts to get legally married. Then, when back in Florida, we had our celebratory ceremony with cake, flowers and our supportive friends and family. We explain why “love wins” is a commonly used phrase, especially during Pride.
We tell them that we loved them before we even knew them. We started a family because momma and mami had an overflowing amount of love and wanted to share. We wanted them so badly that we tried so hard for such a long time to have them. Our family building journey was full of peaks and valleys. Our oldest knows he is conceived with an unknown donor. And that we needed the assistance of a loving and supportive doctor who asked momma, as the gestational carrier, to poke herself with lots of needles. Being they hate shots, they find this to be a colossal act of courage and bravery, which it was. We don’t normally get into how a shipping company, who will remain nameless, lost our sperm once in transit. That was a dark day spent on the line with countless customer service representatives, trying to explain what a giant, chrome cryo tank looks like. At that time, we pushed through our tears and frustration and kept repeating to ourselves, “this will be funny one day.” Thankfully, it’s hilarious now! What are the chances?!
Using photos to illustrate our tale, we show them the two sets of courtroom pictures. The days I legally became their parent. Since our oldest was born before marriage equality, I, as the non-bio and non-gestational carrier, had to adopt him via a second parent adoption. Not an easy feat in Florida 10 years ago. And, to fully protect our family and my parental rights, I adopted my second kiddo via stepparent adoption. I share with them how the judge kindly and gently asked me if I loved them, could I commit to each of them and take full responsibility for them for the rest of their lives? YES! A thousand times, yes!
As we talk about the countless compilations of families, they know their two-mom family had to take extra steps to ensure we were protected and recognized by the law because having both of our names on their birth certificates isn’t enough.
We discuss why in our family it’s essential to speak kindly to each other. Always treat each other with respect. When due, apologize and ask for forgiveness. Listen to others’ words, especially when it comes to their body. It is essential to be supportive and encouraging of each other. Be as kind to yourself as you are to others. And finally, love makes our family!
My hope, my wish, my desire is for my children to confidently know and most certainly feel they are loved, loved, unconditionally loved. When my wife and I share our love story, it’s actually our family story. Love is the bond that glues us together through our wins and our losses. Like Abuela finally realizes in “Encanto,” we are far from perfect but we built our familia foundation with love and my miracle is you!
Tatiana Quiroga is the Executive Director for Come Out With Pride. She is a proud mother, wife and LGBTQ advocate in Central Florida.
