Youth is wasted on the young. I’ve heard that a lot but the more I age the more I find it true for me. That’s not to say my youth was a waste, I was a bit of an overachiever.
As a child and into my teen years I felt I had to be the best at everything. There is a direct correlation between my coming to terms with being gay and the amount of work I did to be at the top of my game. I was afraid that when people found out who I really was, they may not like me.
By the time I entered my junior year of high school I racked up a pretty high grade point average. I imagine I could have gone to any college I wanted. Locally I had my eye on Rollins College, but all I knew is that I did not want to attend the same college my brother was going to.
He and I were not that close in my later years of high school. I had decided he wouldn’t accept me being gay, so I distanced myself.
My brother had accepted a scholarship to play baseball at Mars Hill College in North Carolina. My parents were pretty determined for me to follow in his footsteps.
After many attempts on their part, I finally decided to go with my parents to visit him. What happened when I got there can only be described as the town’s plan to pretend they liked the Farmers in “Funny Farm.”
The landscape was something I had never seen before and was quite breathtaking. My parents suggested we walk around the campus. As I walked up to the administration building, I saw a sign welcoming me by name.
They offered me a tour of the theater, where I met one of the professors and we talked for hours. It seemed the whole day had been orchestrated to make me fall in love with the place, and it worked. Much to the surprise of every adult I knew, this anti-religious-institution city boy was about to head to the mountains for a Southern Baptist college.
Mars Hill College was the only school I applied for and I was accepted with a full tuition scholarship. I entered the program as a theater education major.
I struck up a friendship with the professor I had talked to so long that first day I visited the campus. C. Robert was more than a teacher and a mentor, I really felt we were friends. We would talk for hours and hours, and I was often jeered by my other friends because they knew when I made my way to his office I would disappear for hours. He was an amazing man who helped shape my confidence and my future.
I had big plans while I was in college. We talked about me having a stage managing career. There was another opportunity for me to walk right out of Mars Hill and into a local high school as a teacher. It seemed my path was planned.
The summer of my sophomore to junior year I met someone and fell in love for the first time. I was a bit of a romantic and believed we would be in love forever. C. Robert knew otherwise and encouraged me to simply enjoy what I had and not put too much pressure on it. I did not follow his advice.
By the end of that summer my love had moved on to college in another state and I was devastated when he ended our long-distance affair. It wasn’t kind and affected me for a long time. Clearly running from this pain, I changed my major from theater education to theater and graduated a year early.
I know this was not the path C. Robert wanted for me and I felt as if I lost his respect in doing so. I was too embarrassed to have this conversation with him. I spent my whole life trying to be the best and I couldn’t face those I felt I had failed. Twenty-eight years later I made my way back to Mars Hill as part of my three-year anniversary with my husband.
I tracked down C. Robert to see if we could catch up. I often describe how crazy this phenomenon is where two people can experience the same events in very different ways. Well, that was us. He remembered our time with fondness and even used my name in a book he wrote, which is a huge honor coming from someone so well respected.
When I say youth is wasted on the young, I mean me and the wasted twenty-eight years I lost with a dear friend. I mean my inability to appreciate the beauty and subtlety of my time at Mars Hill, a place and lifestyle I ran from so fast and now long to experience so much more often.
I have no regrets. I love the way my life turned out. Without all of my experiences I wouldn’t be who I am today. I am just glad I was able to rekindle an important friendship with an amazing man. Thank you, C. Robert.
