There are two things that I’m terrible at — pronouncing people’s names, no matter how simple they may be to say, and remembering how long ago things in my life happened. The latter of which I’m certain I got from my mother who whenever she tells a story, starts it with “The other day…” even if the other day was 17 years ago.
While it seems like just the other day, I recently became aware that it has been 10 years since the summer of 2011. That summer was of great significance to me. Besides the fact that it began with Lady Gaga releasing her “Born This Way” album, it was also the summer of my first journalism class at Valencia College with whom would become my professional mentor, Ken Carpenter. From the start of that class to this very day, I adapted the mantra: “What Would Ken Do?” And while our time together was short, Ken passed away from cancer five years later, I not only learned a great deal on how to be a good journalist but also how to be a descent, compassionate human being.
This summer I celebrate another 10-year anniversary. I’m not sure anniversary is the word most people would use but I do as it has become something that I celebrate as a turning point in my life.
This summer I celebrate 10 years since I found out I am living with HIV.
When I first found out, getting the news from the Orlando Immunology Center after signing up to be a part of an HIV vaccine study, it felt like the worst news I could receive. I was someone who knew all about the virus, having two people in my life who are long-term survivors — my uncle and a former partner — and I felt embarrassed that I had let myself become infected.
Some of the first people I told after telling my parents were Ken and Shay, the student editor of the Valencia Voice newspaper. I had missed classes after finding out and I broke down to both of them. What I thought was going to be an awkward conversation turned out to be honest compassion, hugs and offers to help me with whatever I needed. Compassion and understanding would come from the rest of the college newsroom. The more acceptance I was given the more comfortable I felt to be open with my status.
Now that’s not to say that there weren’t any negatives in my positive diagnosis. As a hypochondriac, the news sent my anxiety through the roof and brought on full-fledged panic attacks. Within the first three months I had visited the emergency room dozens of times, thinking a heart attack was imminent.
My mental health suffered as well. I blamed myself being gay as the reason I was now HIV-positive, I pushed friends away and started to put weight on, gaining roughly 100 pounds within the last decade thinking I could hide behind an overweight frame as men wouldn’t find me attractive. I fell into a very dark place, all while putting on a bright, optimistic front so people would think I was ok. I went to support groups and saw therapists, always being told that I’m doing so well handling this. Then back home to eat my feelings and push the world away.
Two things happened that helped me reverse course, first I got on medication for anxiety and depression. Never be afraid to ask for help and if that help is taking medications for a mental health issue, do it and don’t see it as you aren’t strong enough to fight it. Realizing what tools you need to beat it is you being strong. Second, some of the friends I tried to push away, refused to go. They kept coming around, they kept checking in and they kept letting me know they were here for me.
Not long after, I came to Watermark and found a family and community that accepted me just as I am, who not only embraced all of me but celebrated it. So on this 10-year anniversary of a diagnosis that led me on a journey to become stronger and more accepting of myself, I thank all of those who have been positive influences in my life and who never gave up on me.
That leads me into this next issue where we explore gender euphoria and being able to not only accept one’s self but celebrate it. We gathered transgender and nonbinary members of the Central Florida and Tampa Bay community and had a pair of photo shoots to celebrate them living their authentic selves and asked what gender euphoria means to them. We showcase our models with the help of two amazing photo studios — Orlando’s Wall Crawl and Tampa’s Snap House. If you love the scenes in these photos then you owe it to yourself to head down to one of these studios and have a photo shoot of your own.
In this issue, we also chat with gay filmmaker Todd Stephens about his new film “Swan Song” and Tampa Bay drag sensation Daphne Ferraro.
