BENGHAZI! EMAILS! WALL STREET! SOCIALISIM! PRETENDING THAT THERE ARE MORE THAN TWO CANDIDATES! HERE COMES THE DEMOCRATIC CANDIDATE SHOWDOWN DEBATE!!!!!!!111!!!
Tonight, just like Donald Trump’s hair, we’ll be liveblogging the Democratic stakes as Hillary and Bernie come to blows for what seems to be the first time. Though Sanders is winning the public relations game with Obama-sized rallies, Clinton is still ruling the polls (Sanders is scoring a HUGE one percent among non-white voters according to CNN). Starting at 8:30 p.m., in the depths of Anderson Cooper’s swimming-pool eyes, we will be opining on the backs and the forths of political theater; we’ll also be monitoring the outfield for comments from Martin O’Malley (the cutest), Jim Webb (meh) and Lincoln Chafee (that middle part!). Come play along if you will. It’s going to be fun, fun, fun.
8:07 p.m.: There’s a whole lot of pre-gaming going on and “HILLARY CLINTON ARRIVING AT ANY MINUTE,” reads the chyron. OMG, YOU GUYS.
8:22 p.m.: Exactly who is waiting for the lady Trump interview, CNN?
8:28 p.m.: #axelrodshair
8:29 p.m.: There’s an Obama video in which we think on schools and energy and justice and equality. Obama is still fired up and ready to go for Dems. This feels like dancing with the scars.
8:32 p.m.: Democrats are late sometimes.
8:35 p.m.: Citi feels like it’s making lives better, when it’s really stealing people’s money. Suffragette looks like a good movie, though (also, really plays to the Hillary crowd).
8:37 p.m.: Apparently, we’re not showing the other three candidates in this boxing match.
8:39 p.m.: Trump’s hair has already been mentioned. This is VEGAS!
8:40 p.m.: This may be the worst format for a debate ever. It’s like Kurt Loder is moderating and it’s 1992.
8:41 p.m.: First, O’Malley waves at a stranger and then Sheryl Crow performs the national anthem? I’m grabbing a drink.
8:45 p.m.: Can I just liveblog all the terrible commercials? #knowbdo
8:48 p.m.: GROUNDRULES! Is Don Lemon getting a little thick?
8:49 p.m.: Chafee is chafing. He’s had no scandals, but your high ethical standards are boring in that way that your hair is boring.
8:50 p.m.: Jim Webb is a Republican. Let’s just say it.
8:51 p.m.: Martin O’Malley is selling you a car.
8:55 p.m.: Is Sen. Sanders our Occupy candidate? Nothing wrong with that. Asking for a friend.
8:56 p.m.: Sanders hates billionaires; we all hate billionaires; etc.
8:57 p.m.: Clinton’s intro is, well, weak at first. But now she’s going all STEM on children and talking about minimum wage and workers and taxes and I wish I was her speech writer.
9 p.m.: Hillary just won the debate. LGBT COMMUNITY, PEOPLE.
9:01 p.m.: Anderson Cooper just called Hillary to task over her politicized positions, because, you know, politics. “Political expediency” is an issue. Being “moderate” is an issue. Clinton doesn’t “take a backseat” to anyone, etc. She’s actually doing a great job. “I’m a progressive, but I’m a progressive that likes to get things done.”
9:07 p.m.: “You’ve only been a Democrat for two years.” Cooper on Chafee. Good lord. Just skip this guy.
9:08 p.m.: Also, can we please skip O’Malley?
9:10 p.m.: Ladies and gentlemen, O’Malley or the Wire. The Wire.
9:11 p.m.: Ooooooooooh, weird racism talk with Webb. Not voting for Webb.
9:12 p.m.: SANDERS LOVES THE GUNZ.
9:13 p.m.: Now Sanders is talking about “mental health” and gun control. In other words, Sanders is doing something terrible.
9:15 p.m.: HRC is totally shutting down the Sanders and the NRA.
9:18 p.m.: Wow, O’Malley just shut down Sanders and Hillary laughed.
9:23 p.m.: How is it that Sanders can be so unbelievable when this is his stage?
9:27 p.m.: Shut up, Webb. Also, Hillary is coming up with all the right comebacks. Oh, look, Webb is back. He’s been trying to get into this conversation for 10 minutes. Poor dear.
9:33 p.m.: PTSD is alive and well.
9:38 p.m.: Bernie Sanders is not a young man, and he hated the Viet Nam war. Bernie Sanders is growing more boring by the moment. This debate is actually great and terrible at the same time.
9:41 p.m.: Is Webb even a sane person?
9:48 p.m.: “The American people are sick and tired of hearing about your damn emails,” says Sanders, before going into Citizen’s United.
9:50 p.m.: Do you want to respond re:emails/benghazi, Clinton is asked? “NO.” Winning moment of the debate.
9:53 p.m.: O’Malley is a cardboard cutout of a candidate for some strange place I don’t want to live.
9:55 p.m.: Thanks, Webb, for saying “the situation of African-Americans.” You just got sooooo much more convincing.
9:57 p.m.: Oooooh, we’re calling the Clintons rich, now.
10:04 p.m.: So want to post “1999” right now but Prince hates YouTube.
10:07 p.m.: Jim Webb needs to shut up. Chafee couldn’t quite figure out how to vote because his dad died. Let the comedy begin.
10:11 p.m.: Hillary on Social Security: “I will focus on people who need it the most” = women.
10:15 p.m.: Is O’Malley the new Edwards? Is Webb ridiculous? Are these real people? Also, all of the indentations of Adam’s apples are getting worse as the night goes on. #powder.
10:29 p.m.: Sorry, it all sounded like a lot of noise until Anderson brought up weed. Only 30 more minutes!
10:35 p.m.: Hillary’s knockout punch, her dinner party dance, gets savaged by the ’70s sitcom that is Bernie Sanders.
10:43 p.m.: “We should not be paralyzed!” Hillz on choice, etc.
10:53 p.m.: I CAN’T EVEN WITH HILLARY. ALSO, WEBB IS SERIOUSLY HAVING ISSUES.
10:54 p.m.: This closing statement dismount is terrifying. Webb likes to work through unpopular issues. So, yeah, having issues.
10:59 p.m.: Who wants to go on a date with O’Malley? <——–
11:01 p.m.: Hillary is MIDDLE CLASSING. “If you work hard and you do your part … America’s best days are ahead.”
11:02 p.m.: annnnnnnnnnnnnnnd, that’s all. THANKS FOR PLAYING! GOODNIGHT!
