My girlfriend Marisa and I have been together for almost 20 years, and we have a great relationship. The problem is my family. My brother and his wife live in Jacksonville, and unless I go up there I almost never get to see them. They have declined every invitation to the meaningful events in my life since I moved to Orlando. They have three children, and Marisa and I never miss a baptism, birthday or award ceremony. My brother says he loves me, but “family comes first;” and as we have no children, they don’t feel obliged to participate in our events. My parents live up north, and they go where the grandkids are, so when they travel it’s always to my brother’s house. I love my family, but it’s really frustrating to have all of my invitations refused. Should I keep inviting them?
—Jilted Sister
Twisted Sister—
What you describe is, I believe, one of the discussed about aspects of contemporary gay life. Most gay people have a story almost exactly like yours, where gay members—even when fully out and accepted—get the short end of the attention/gift/consideration stick. In most cases, the slights are not intentional. Inertia is really to blame here. Your parents—no matter how accepting—will just naturally drift in the direction of their married offspring and grandchildren..
That’s unfortunate. However, that may mostly be about the bond between grandparent and grandchild. It seriously is wacky, bordering on the obsessive, in my experience. When their grandchildren are in the room, my parents couldn’t pick me out of a police lineup.
Your brother’s behavior is more difficult to excuse. He’s sort of a selfish prick. If this is news, I’d be surprised. Rarely is someone newly selfish. But surely you know your brother better than me.
The thing missing from your letter is whether or not you enjoy going to all your brother’s family functions. If you don’t, then don’t. But if you do enjoy it, go and have fun. As for the continued declined invitations, I’d ask him to one more thing and when he says no, which he will, inform him that you won’t be inviting him to anything again because it’s humiliating to continue to extend an invitation and have it turned down. He is your brother, after all, not some casual acquaintance.
He deserves the truth. And here comes the Truth, baby: stop worrying about everyone else’s feelings. They’re not so worried about yours.
Dear Truth,
I have a huge crush on this guy at work. He’s really hot, single and straight (as far as I know), but he asks me to go to lunch with him all the time. When we’re out of the office together, he’s really attentive and he flirts with me shamelessly. For example, the other day at lunch, it seemed like he was finding every excuse to touch me. He didn’t even flinch when our knees were touching under the table! But as soon as we get back in the office, he acts like I’m just another co-worker. I’m not really out at work, but I’m sure some people know that I’m gay. I’m really worried about what will happen if I say something to him, but I think I’ll go crazy if I don’t. Help!
—Office Max
Maxwell (Not So) Smart—
I could give you the porn answer, which would include brushed hands, an excuse to swim together, and then sexual tension that leads to a hot scene in the executive washroom. Unfortunately, my obligation is to give you actual advice. One of my least favorite things in the world is straight guys who enjoy the ego stroke of prick-teasing gay men. They don’t come along very often, but when they do, it can be a lot of fun to play along. The problem is that its 99% manipulation designed to make themselves feel studly. I’m not saying they’re not gettable, because no Kinsey 1 is flirting with a gay man—under any circumstances. But here comes the Truth, baby: it’s not worth the effort. Go find yourself a nice gay boy, preferably one who doesn’t work in your office.
Declining those who decline
