My boyfriend Tom and I have been together for nine years, and we have had an open relationship for the last three. Last year Tom met a great guy named Brett who has become a good friend and frequent play partner. Brett, Tom and I get along extremely well, and we hang out together all the time. Here’s the problem: I’ve grown to love Brett, and want to open my relationship with Tom to include Brett as a permanent third partner. Tom is against the idea, even though he’s the one who introduced us. I still love Tom very much, but now I also love Brett and don’t want him to desert us. What should I do?
—Three’s a Crowd
Dear Chrissy Snow—
Any faithful reader of the Truth has heard this all before: Open relationships can be a lot of fun, but if you want to magnify any cracks in your relationship, the first thing you should do is open your union to sex with others. Few relationships in the Truth’s worldview have been able to navigate that sexual landscape in a way that doesn’t end in heartbreak and break-ups.
The ones I’ve seen that work typically only use the odd three-way to break up the monotony. Having a regular third partner can create some awkward situations, as you’re now discovering. Your feeling that Brett will “desert” you shows that you’re not seeing this situation clearly. A man can’t desert you if he never had you.
You have a lover. Decide whether or not you want to stay in that relationship and act accordingly. Given Brett’s proximity and involvement, not only do I think you should stop the three-way action, you should also consider Brett out-of-bounds in general. Here comes the Truth, baby: the three of you have made a mess. Your relationship with Tom is salvageable but only if you want it to be. Brett should be out of the question.
Dear Truth,
I’ve been cross-dressing on and off since I was a child. I’ve tried to stop many times, but I always return to it. I’m now married to a wonderful woman whom I adore and who loves me dearly. I never told my wife about my cross-dressing because I felt she would stop loving me and would leave me. The other day she caught me dressed in women’s clothes. She hasn’t talked to me since. I’m devastated and depressed. I’m terrified at the thought of losing my wife—I love her with all my heart! My worst fear seems to be coming true. What should I do?
—Man in a Dress
Dear RuPaul—
Officially, cross-dressing and homosexuality are only related in people’s minds, not in brain function or social or sexual circumstance. As any viewer of the Jerry Springer Show would know, most cross-dressers are heterosexual, not the Truth’s usual bailiwick. But I’m nothing if not versatile.
While it’s understandable you were embarrassed to share your secret, you were probably wrong to not disclose your fetish to the person you chosen to spend your life with before things developed to marriage. Clearly this is something that is quite deep-seated and most therapists would tell you that you will probably always have desires to cross-dress.
The good news is that there are many couples in your situation, and a lot of them find a way to have a happy, productive relationship with the cross-dressing partner. If the issue is more that you are gay or bi-curious, my answer would be different.
But if you’re a heterosexual cross-dresser, you can find support groups and voluminous information about others who are going through what you, and perhaps even more importantly, your wife, are going through.
