Dear Truth,
My friend, Mitch, is very sarcastic, sometimes even rude, and he doesn’t realize it. Mitch is really funny, but sometimes he can be a little mean, especially when he drinks. I’ve met his whole family, and they are just as caustic as Mitch—it’s how they express love and affection. His friends and I are used to it, and we all pick on each other when we’re together, but I usually end up apologizing for Mitch when he meets new people.
It’s embarrassing for both of us; only he doesn’t even know it. I’ve tried talking to Mitch about his behavior, but he gets defensive when I mention it—he says I’m too sensitive and I don’t have a sense of humor. What do you say?
–Ashamed in Orlando
Orlando Ash—
I say that you don’t have a sit-down conversation with him again about it, but provide a show and tell. The next time you’re in a situation with Mitch where he becomes overly aggressive or insulting, let him know immediately what the effect was. Statements like, “That person now thinks you’re an asshole,” and, “That situation made me uncomfortable,” might be the cause and effect he needs to be shown the results of his actions. Use language about how he behaves makes people feel. “That person thought you were making fun of them or talking down to them.”
Obviously, Mitch’s upbringing left some gaps in his ability to interact in polite society. You know underneath he is a good person, so I wouldn’t dump him as a friend as a result of his rough edges. But consistent reminders that his behavior causes you discomfort, at the time that discomfort happens, will not only show him the light, it will make you feel better.
Dear Truth,
My friends, Cara and Stefanie, recently broke up after four years together. I am good friends with both of them (I have known Cara for almost 10 years), and I made it clear that I wouldn’t choose a side and would remain friends with both of them. Of course, they each have approached me to tell me “their” side of the story. I have listened, but remained neutral. Surprisingly, Stefanie seems to understand my predicament, but Cara says that my neutrality “makes me an asshole” because I’m not being supportive.
She insists that I will end up losing both of them as friends because of my “non-commitment.” What should I do?
–Torn Between Friends
Dear TBF—
Let me say in the strongest of terms that Cara is just plain wrong. When a couple breaks up, mutual friends are automatically and immediately put into an awkward situation. It is incumbent on the former couple to be respectful not only to the feelings of the mutual friends, but also of their former love’s right to maintain friendships.
You were right to listen, that’s what friends do. You can even use your unique perspective to provide your point of view, without taking sides. Since you know both of them, you can even provide advice, as long as said advice does not disparage or engage the other person. But this situation is between them and there it needs to stay.
For Cara to be so aggressively campaigning for you to take sides (calling a friend an “asshole” is never acceptable, by the way) says nothing good about her character or ethics. At the very least, she’s been incredibly childish and selfish. The good news is that often those mutual friends are the very conduit for two former lovers to become friends themselves. That takes time, and four years seems more than long enough for that to happen if it was going to, so maybe in this case that won’t happen.
But here comes the Truth, baby: You’ve done all the right things. If Cara continues to harangue you about your friendship with Stefanie, it’s her friendship I’m not sure is worth the trouble.
