Working on the cover story for this issue of Watermark, I was reminded of my own journey toward the acceptance of my sexuality. Like so many, I was told that gay people “choose” who they are because of a blatant disrespect for God.
Even though in my heart I knew that was a ridiculous claim, the message was preached so often that eventually, I believed it. In middle school, when I first noticed other young men-and those hunky men on television-I kept telling myself to quit “choosing” to fantasize about these icons of masculinity. For a short period in college, I ignored my feelings and focused my energy on a Christian campus group. I hoped that activity would help distract me from the men on campus long enough to find that “nice girl” who would steal my attention and my heart.
Of course, that never happened and I found myself crushing on an older, male member of that same Christian group.
The young man on our cover, Gabe Alves, fought the same battle I did, but to an extreme. And former Exodus International leader Alan Chambers, who editorial assistant Susan Clary interviewed within these pages, still fights that battle.
I truly believe that Chambers chooses the way he lives-with a wife and two children.
Call it what you want-choice, free will-but there is a choice involved in living as a gay person. But that choice has nothing to do with our sexuality.
I remember exactly where I was when I decided to follow through on my feelings. Mind you, I didn’t say I remember when I chose to be gay, but I know exactly when I chose to act on the attraction I had for other men.
I was in college, but spending the weekend with my parents, who were visiting the campus. As they were sleeping in their hotel bed, just a few feet from mine, I struggled to fall asleep. For weeks I had battled the attraction I had for other young men on campus and not acting on those feelings distracted me from sleep, from class-from everything, really.
As I tried to get comfortable that night, I held an internal argument with myself-a ‘should I or shouldn’t I’ scenario that finally resulted in me choosing to let my natural attraction guide me to the experiences I craved.
The gut-wrenching internal dialogue resulted in some much-needed sound sleep. Once my parents left the campus on that following Sunday afternoon, I gave myself a pep talk and found avenues for meeting men for more-than-platonic relationships. (Remember the chat program MIRC?) Within a month I met, face to face, with an attractive man only a few years older than I was.
I don’t know if it was chemistry or pent up frustration, but even the minor contact we had that first night felt right-freeing, even-and I knew I made the right choice to act on my impulses. Eventually, he and I dated, and soon called each other boyfriends. It was my first same-sex relationship and while I was happy I finally followed through on my attractions, I never told my family or my old high school friends about that relationship until years later-long after we split.
It’s easy to condemn or mock those who continue to battle their own sexuality. Watching or reading about their struggle is frustrating to many of us. But just because we have found peace doesn’t mean others will-or even can.
Our interview with Chambers intrigued me. He tells us he has an attraction to other men but he refuses to act on his natural impulse. In fact, he compares his attractions to those that his wife has toward other men. Just because she sees a handsome man, he explains, doesn’t mean she’s going to have sex with him. He uses the same logic in describing his own sexuality.
Human sexuality is a journey for all of us. Some of us just take different-and sometimes longer-paths to feeling comfortable with it.
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