A few years ago, I was sitting in a meeting at a client’s site in Atlanta. It was a big meeting, and people were there from all levels of the business, including a senior executive who was the highest-ranking member at the meeting (and the person who literally signed my check).
As the meeting was just about to start and the voices were dying down, this senior executive (who—it should be noted—was male) could be heard saying, “… and she was the one driving. You know how bad women drive!”
Cue the John Hughes, 80s movie scene where you hear the record scratch and there’s dead silence in the room; that was the feeling. Everyone stopped talking, clearly stunned by what they heard, and then … no one said anything. AWKWARD!
That moment—when no one said anything after the commentary about women drivers—is what we call “silent collusion.” It’s the practice of neither supporting nor defending the rights of others to be fully included in the workplace. Silent collusion basically says that if those of us in the space where the un-inclusive comment is said or the exclusionary action is being done remain silent and don’t act, then we are tacitly endorsing the comment or behavior. At that moment all of us in the room were “silently colluding” with the exec’s sexist comment; we were all supporting the idea that all women are crappy drivers by not refuting his asinine comment.
As a member of the LGBTQ+ community, opportunities like this present themselves all the time. Someone says something stereotypical or demeaning (maybe without realizing it) and we have one of two options: say nothing or say something. Saying nothing sends the message we agree; saying something can say we don’t. But how do you effectively speak up in those situations?
One of the strategies I share in my workshops uses the help of a dog named Sam. Sam is what’s called a Hungarian Puli Mop, or Mop Dog. You’ve seen pups like Sam before: he seriously looks like—if I attached a stick on his back—I could scrub my floors with his puppybutt. (Google “mop dog.”)
Sam can help us remember “The 6 Ways to Beat Silent Collusion.” By using his name and the slang name of his breed—mop [dog] + Sam = MOP+SAM (pronounced “mop sam”! … don’t pronounce the “+”) we can remember the six ways you can combat silent collusion. Yeah, it’s silly, but it helps people remember the six strategies, and it works.
So, trust me—or actually, trust Sam.
M—ME … The first “M” in MOP+SAM stands for “me.” Ask yourself, “is the un-inclusive statement something that impacts me personally?” If so, you can address the person from your own feelings and perspective; and your perception is your reality? Then you can then address the comment from the first person.
O—OUT … The next strategy, according to our friend Sam, is “O” and stands for “out.” While the comment may not be about “me,” you can call OUT any “absolutes,” stereotypes or gross generalizations you may hear someone say in order to beat silent collusion.
P—POINT … The next strategy is “P,” which stands for “point.” After the statement is said, point to a specific example that refutes the statement being said.
S—SAY … “S” is the next strategy, which stands for “say.” When we say “say,” we mean saying a non-word that at least indicates you don’t agree with what’s being said. Sounds like “Woah!” “Damn!” “Whaaaat?” or “Huh?” are some you can try here.
A—ASK … The next strategy is “A,” which stands for “ask.” This one is rather simple: ask the person exactly what they meant by their comment.
M—MOVE … Our final strategy in MOP+SAM is the second “M,” which stands for “move.” As a last resort, if you cannot or don’t feel comfortable speaking up, then physically remove yourself from the situation/conversation. The benefit is that your non-verbal movement will speak volumes that you don’t agree with what’s being said. The challenge is that—like our “SAY” strategy—it’s nothing more than acknowledging that you personally don’t agree with the statement being said; it doesn’t go far in addressing the statement.
Using MOP+SAM isn’t being the HR Police or being overly-sensitive, it’s just a way for us to be mindful of the words and the phrases used around us. Word choice matters, and helping people see that the words they’ve used have impact can make our conversations—and the world—just a little bit more inclusive. And who better than a sponge-on-a-stick and a fuzzy dog to help us do just that. Woof.
Dr. Steve Yacovelli is owner of TopDog Learning Group, LLC, a learning and development, leadership and diversity consulting practice in Orlando. He’s also the Chief Inclusion Officer of LGBTInclusivity.com, a consulting group focused on LGBTQ equality in the workplace. He’s currently writing a book, “PRIDE Leadership: Strategies for the LGBTQ+ Leader to be the King (or Queen) of their Jungle,” scheduled to “come out” later this spring.
